A blank stare is a good look on you
Then again, anything is.
That's the trouble with boys like you
You're not a dime a dozen,
You're more of a penny for your thoughts.
If I robbed every bank in the world
I still wouldn't have nearly enough pennies to figure you out.
Every cent you've collected over the years has bought you the confidence and Security to make sure no one ever will.
It must be a lonely world where you live
Surrounding yourself with walls of change
Adding to the collection day-by-day, year-after-year.
I'd pay any amount to see a true feeling of yours.
But you don't want my money; you want my spirit, my soul.
Once you take that and break it, you leave me empty and poor
You take who I once was with you as you go.
You keep no feelings of your own,
Just what you've collected from others and have claimed for yourself.
You've earned them
You never loved me or anyone else, and you never will.
Especially not yourself.
I wish I didn't bet all my money on you, thinking I could change that.
You left me broken; I feel nothing.
You took with you the person I was and will never,
Could never be again.
You did it all with a blank stare.
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137,435 Literary Works • 672,020 Reviews
I like this a lot, the title is pretty good and draws you in. The theme of the pennies this guy's acquired of time is really interesting, and theme is not overused or underdone, just the right amount.
It was mentioned before but this line :-
"Every cent you've collected over the years has bought you the confidence and Security to make sure no one ever will."
Is way too long, completely throws off the rhythm of the piece, and I don't think you need 'over the years' in this line either, it's just added information that isn't paramount within the poem, that might make it easier to shorten this line or separate it.
The last line is incredibly good and leaves a sour after taste, if you know what I mean? The way you describe this 'relationship' with this person makes it out like you've known each other forever but he only really crushed you with his blank stare which was a cool touch.
Enjoyed it, Hope this helps,
LMJ
Hey, HT here to review.
Wow, that is really good. If you don't mind, I'm so going to quote that to my friends. Verbally. Not on paper, a word app, or anything.
This line is really long compared to the rest of the poem. Also, with the way the post is structured it makes the stanza have five lines instead of your constant four. Now, it does fit into the work, but it should be broken up to keep with the number of lines in the stanzas and to have similar length to the rest of the poem.
You broke the stanza number again here.
I loved the ending by the way.
It went a totally different way then I expected it to. I thought that the first stanza sounded semi-positive, but looking back over it a second time I realize that it wasn't really like that. But, because I thought it was semi-positive, the first reading was a bit of a shock.
The guy sounds almost like Scrooge.
The content of this is rally good, and your language is excellent. I can see no grammar/spelling/punctuation mistakes, and therefore I bid you adieu.
Hi Laci, here to review your poem!
So, I'm just going to quickly start off my saying that reviewing poetry really isn't my strong point, however don't let that put you off my review because I'll try my best here to share my thoughts about this poem with you. I'll start off with the things I liked, and the main thing here is the penny for your thoughts metaphor. I think it was really clever to show you needed a lot of pennies, because this guy is really deep and hard to understand, well done! I also like how it kind of told a story, which I always like seeing in poetry.
I've underlined the 'you's' here because basically I think the repetition of them ruins the flow a bit. Generally in the whole poem 'you' was used a lot, and I know the poem is directly speaking to someone however because it's used so much it becomes slightly annoying and I think it would be better without so many because then the flow would work a bit more.
Again this is to do with the flow, and I think that the second line is really long and doesn't really fit in, length wise, with the rest.
Okay so I really like the ideas you have here, however it doesn't really sound like a poem and sounds more like some sort of monologue or speech. I think the reasons of this is just stuff like there aren't really many poetic techniques involved. For example, I've seen no real imagery here, and what is a poem without some imagery? You have started off with some, but I think the ones here are very obvious and just telling it how it is- but I'd like to perhaps see some more metaphors/similes to explain this guy. More metaphors like 'penny for your thoughts' because that's great, but some smaller ones here and there would be great too!
Secondly, okay so I'm not trying to say you need to use every poetic technique in the book for this poem to be good, although it's how I sound now. I think one more think I'd like to see is 'enjambment', and this is where a sentence continues onto another line. I think that would help this poem quite a bit, like in the 'long sentence' I talked about earlier, you could break it down a bit more and I think this would help the flow more.
Overall, I really enjoyed reading this poem, and the overall metaphor is great! Next steps would be to add some more imagery and perhaps take some more time to think about the flow and how it sounds. For me, I always read my poem out loud because I find that really helpful to pick out where it sounds a bit off. Anyways, I hope this review helped. Feel free to PM me with any questions you have or if you'd like another review on anything.
Keep writing!
~ArcticMonkey x
Yo, yo, yo! I'm not even black but I said yo three times!
Time for dis supa white review.
So... Major mother-frickin props on the first stanza. It's like deep fried corn-dog good.
Especially those last two lines.
You're not a dime a dozen,
You're more of a penny for your thoughts.
I can tell immediately that this guy is good looking, but also doesn't really care about anyone but himself. You could've just said that, but where's the originality there, eh? He's also rich. Which just makes the money reference that much better.
Unfortunately I think we went a little downhill on the second stanza.
It's just too cliche for my liking. Your first stanza (the one I likened to a delicious corn-dog) was supa original and basically mega fresh. This one takes the edge off. We already know he's worth pennies. I would probly nix the whole thing. It just isn't necessary.
Dat third stanza is gettin back to the money references. We got banks up in here. Pennies. Maybe you could work in a play about how he doesn't make any goddamn cents. That's also a little overused but it's too good of an opportunity to miss.
I think at this point it's evident that I've eaten something that has negatively imapcted my ability to review poetry. Hopefully you can glean something useful from this.
Rain-dizzle out.
Haha Thanks for your review, I agree about the second stanza. Got rid of it!! You're funny I like the way u dropped this sweet review right up in huurrr!!
-Laci<3
Simply put
You are amazing
<3