Summer rain pours down,
So hard.
We used to run through it,
Crossing the street from the bar;
And find shelter from it to share a cigarette.
Six months go by and I still remember when we were blooming.
But oh, how we wilted so fast.
I still keep the petals.
The dead rose scent will never smell as sweet as you,
When you would lay your body next to mine.
The scent of your skin put me to bed.
You wrapped around me so tight I thought you'd never let me go.
Now I lie listening to this summer rain,
It will never sound as soothing as your breath on my neck.
I will never fall asleep these summer nights
Without remembering how it felt to be wrapped in your arms
As that first summer rain fell.
All the while we were blooming.
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137,484 Literary Works • 672,034 Reviews
Hi there Lacy! Here to review
Instantly, you start us off with a very telly first two lines. I don't even have an image in my mind, all I can wonder is how rain goes 'fast'. I've never heard of that before, and maybe that's why it's so odd to me. Hard, yes, in torrents, yes, but never 'fast'. Plus, it's not very colorful word choice either. If you picked someone off the streets and asked them to write a poem, you could expect something like this from that person. Not to say that your writing is terrible, quite the opposite. I've read your work before, and I know you could do much much better. So think about word choices, and try and be a little more colorful.
Here, you change from present to past tense, and it's rather abrupt. We already felt the rain on our backs, and now you're talking about what we used to do when it rained? It's better to keep one tense throughout, because otherwise the readers get confused as to whether we're remembering or experiencing.
Now this, this is really good. The metaphor is there, and it's quite nostalgic when you say that you still keep the petals. If you had started the poem off with this, I think you might have had a different, more mature poem.
These lines are a little repetitive. You're talking about skin and bodies, and I just feel like by the last two lines in the quote, I'm re-reading what I just read. I would, if I was you, consider changing combing and deleting the four lines together. The ones talking about skin being put together, and the same with the two about bodies.
This is the third time you've talked about summer nights! You don't need to keep repeating yourself. Think of different ways to say them.
Darling, you've got a great start. There are some lines that are chock full of promise, you just need to cultivate them to make them better, and make the ones that weren't so good flower. Keep up the fantastic work, and let me know if you have any questions!
--Spark
The connection of the loss of a person to the rain has been evocatively portrayed through the poem.
The line breaks need little bit more attention though. But the sadness of missing somebody and the way it is described carries it through.
And as far as my favourite line -
The dead rose scent will never smell as sweet as you,
When you would lay your body next to mine.
This is one of those poems that you enjoy reading aloud.
Thanks
Okay... So this is about somebody missing the other person, and when I rained during summer, it reminded them of it, of the good times. The times they ran for cover and shared a cigarette.
This was good, it fit well, although I would suggest that you read this and not listen to music, because I tried to do that and it started to sound like the song. Well this had a great format, and I hope that you write more in the future and I look forward to it.
With All Do Respect
Whole Some Reader.
HAHA That always happens to me when I read with music on!! Thank you though, you totally got it.
-Laci <3
When I read poetry, I try to decipher it, because it used to be really difficult for me to, so I break it down stanza by stanza. It really helps at times, because poetry is meant to say a lot in a few words...So, good job.
Hey, Runawaylove here to review your poem!
Welcome to YWS newbie
First of all this poem is written beautifully and it makes me feel nostalgic. I really like all the little details and imagery you used. I personally like poems that rhyme but this one is great. If you rhymed, the poem would seem more authentic. Well, that is my opinion. Many people prefer poems that rhyme and many people don't.
"Summer rain
Pours down
So fast."
These lines look a little weird to me. It interrupts the flow.
"But oh, how we wilted so fast.
I still keep the petals.
The dead rose scent will never smell as sweet
As you"
These are my favourite lines. Overall this was a good poem and I enjoyed reading it. Keep writing!
Thank You Runawaylove!!
I did have trouble with punctuating the first three lines. I originally had it go like this:
" Summer rain,
Pours down,
So fast."
But then i decided to change the punctuation... maybe I should change it back?
Anyway thank you for taking the time to read and review, means a lot to me as a newbie
-Laci <3
Hi there Laci! First off, welcome to YWS! I hope you're enjoying the site so far.
Overall, this is a beautiful piece filled with lovely imagery. Just some small comments
I think "we were blossoming" works at the end, but here I think "we blossomed" or "we bloomed" is more direct here and would flow better.
This is my favorite line.
Grammar point: I wasn't sure, but I looked it up and it should be lie, not lay. Plus lie sounds better. More info here
"sleep" should be "asleep". Also this line is really long. I'd consider breaking it up.
General note. You seem to punctuate at the end of every line, which feels really fragmented. On a poem this good, it really stands out (in a bad way). I generally suggest punctuating as you would in paragraph form unless you have a good reason not to.
Overall, this is a lovely piece aside from some minor points. Welcome again and keep writing!
Niteowl,
Thank you so much!! I completely agree with everything you suggested. I saw a review you did on another poem and it was everything I would have said so I really appreciate your input.
I like the word blooming more than blossoming. And thank you for pointing out those two grammatical errors. I do have trouble punctuating a bit with poetry. I find it hard to make sure my poems read correctly without it, but i agree that too much take away from it overall.
I went back in and made the changes I thought would improve it.
If you get a chance I'd like to hear what you think of the punctuation changes, I do need help in that department. Im really enjoying YWS so far.
-Laci <3
This is really lovely! I love the feeling that comes from this. It's very sweet and very sad. From the beginning it pulls the reader in. You made great use of sensory details and the poem has great structure and balance. I've gotten so tired off sappy, cliché poems. This is really refreshing. I don't have anything bad to say about this. Keep writing!
Thanks LittleFox!!! <3