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The Power of the Sea

by sbitonti


The pulsing ocean's tide

seems to gently tickle one's feet

Only to come back

with a Herculean wave to submerge one's head.

Much like Life itself,

presenting two sides:

One of lifting fulfillment

and one of crashing despair.

Ultimately she folds herself in two halves

Her knees are the ocean's break

And her tears slope down her face

like the ocean's tide.

She is the canvas

painting the body of water

Her veins carry the rhythm

in blue color.

She is the sandbar

In the midst of memories

She is shallow

in the wake of nothingness.

The waves envelop her

when she seeks warmth in it's embrace

She runs from the frigid water

Self-hatred has thrown upon her.

Her story ends

when the sand has become scorching

and her sadness has become a rash

Inside, her soul is burning.

The wave,

in it's depth and purity

opens it's arms

to someone who has always been searching

for an escape.

For the ocean can be comforting

as well as cruel

to take away life

and leave no message behind.

So the ocean acted just,

and the girl thought she could once again trust

as she walked into the only open embrace

she could find.


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53 Reviews


Points: 82
Reviews: 53

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Thu Jul 25, 2013 9:04 pm
Killyouwithwords wrote a review...



Hi, I hope you don't mind if I review your poem, which by the way was excellent :) There was beautiful imagery, and the line: "much like life itself" made the subject of the poem very clear. Good job ! There were a few spelling errors, but I won't mention them as they were small enough not to take any meaning from the poem. There were a couple lines that needed tweaking, but the only one that kind of stood out at me was: “ with a Herculean wave to submerged one's head." It just didn't fit. I see how it goes with the previous verse of how the sand tickles one's feet but you don't exactly need match them up. Maybe change it to something along the lines of: with a Herculean wave,
to submerge one's hopes and dreams.
Other than that it was a great poem, and most people would be jealous of your obvious talent if they read this. I hope to read more of your work!




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103 Reviews


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Thu Jul 25, 2013 7:19 pm
TinyDancer wrote a review...



Hey there, this piece is really beautiful! It's so touching and I can really feel the emotion you put into it. I love the imagery and comparing a person to the sea is so lovely. For me, the poem really starts here: "Ultimately she folds herself in two halves" and everything before that can just be erased. I know it's not easy to just delete lines out of a poem but some weaker ones often weaken our stronger ones and so they have to go. I feel like your poem really picks up at the aforementioned line. Someone once told me not to write preambles in poetry, and the stuff before that line feels a little preamble-y I guess. Other than that, you just had a few little grammar mistakes. I won't point them out unless you'd like me to since I think you'd catch them with a fine toothed comb when you write your final draft. I really got into this piece so much that if I weren't writing this review and trying to find things to pick out, I wouldn't have even caught them because your tone and voice was just so captivating it was hard to focus on the iffy parts :). You also had good subtle rhyme throughout. I don't like sing-songy poetry and this piece rhymed a bit without getting all Dr. Seuss. So good balance there! Keep up the great work :)

~Tiny




sbitonti says...


Thank you very much! This poem was supposed to be separated into stanzas, but the program isn't really letting me. Guess I'll keep it the way it is, maybe it adds more to the flow of the poem, who knows? Thanks for the suggestion on cutting out the introduction-y part, I do think it would be beneficiary and help the poem get more to the point. Thanks again! :)



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160 Reviews


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Wed Jul 24, 2013 8:42 pm
Rurouni says...



Hmm...

This poem as pretty good.

I want more description...

We first know about the sea, then the beach etc.

I like it, just maybe a little more. It's almost sorta dry, like it needs more to give it some life.

I would like to see this improve..

Thanks,

SW




sbitonti says...


Working on it, thank you!



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Wed Jul 24, 2013 7:12 pm
Deanie wrote a review...



Hello there sbitonti,

This poem was okay. It was neat, with a nice layout and it had good symbolism there. You tied together the beach and things about the beach really well. And it told a little bit of the story, about how something constantly pulled her close and kept pushing her away as well. And then in the end the ocean was all that cleared her mind - so it showed how they needed each other.

Nice and all.

Don't take this the wrong way, but personally I found the poem pretty simple and a bit cliché. Not something I would remember but something that I will enjoy reading and then forget it. I think you need to make it more unique and memorable. Maybe make the story a bit more exciting and different than a simple love story? Or if you like this story then maybe use more creative language to embellish this poem. Detailed metaphors and similes, more poetry tools can help this poem seem more exciting.

But don't get me wrong, this poem is already good on it's own. But it's nice to have a poem that's a bit harder to forget, less simple and more intriguing. It's good but can be better.

Deanie x




sbitonti says...


I totally agree! Thank you so much for your input. I definitely want to go back and revise it. Actually, I did try to make the poem more meaning full as I wanted this to metaphorically represent life and it's struggles (the constant pushing away, pulling in). In the end of the poem, it is implied she drowns/commits suicide. I think I should go back and make it clearer. Thank you so much for your review!



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Fri Jul 05, 2013 10:38 pm
deleted12 says...



Hi Deleted12 here for a quick review! I really enjoyed this poem! My favorite part was where it said: ''The sand scotched her toes'' and then,
''And they walked into the only open imbrace
they could find''

It was really cool how it was about the sea.

You wrote it in a way that really made it seem like the sea really has a personality..! ;)

So...nice job! :D




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Thu Jul 04, 2013 3:44 pm
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skorlir wrote a review...



Mind the edges; take with salt.

I occasionally glimpse spirit and beauty in this poem, but restrained by bland structure and the occasional egregious line. That is to say: this has potential, and you may choose to exploit that in order to create a better poem.

How the tide
reached her soul,
pulled her towards
when she needed strength
and pushed her away
when she needed it the most.


"pulled her towards." I cannot tell you the exact grammatical term for the error in this line, but the heart of it is thus: there is no object. You are attempting to carry the object of the line above, but your structure does not allow that. As it is, what she is being pulled towards is impossible to say. Consider different word choice; such as "Pulled her inwards".

How the wave
engulfed her head
and let her resurface
only after receiving
a much needed
dose of reality.


"and let". That little fragment. One may not see it, but it is brimming with the evil possessing spirit of conjunctions. Consider rephrasing to avoid using conjunctions, here and elsewhere. For instance: "How the wave/engulfed her head/letting her resurface"... so forth.

And it is never a bad thing to shift into active voice. Try making "action" into "acting," wherever it is possible.

The last two lines: the words "receiving" and "needed" somehow make poetic complements, which means you should try to make sure they line up on the ends of their lines. To emphasize their interplay, try moving "needed" to the end of the last line. For instance: "a dose of reality/much needed", or something of the like. This suggestion will also help to diversify your sentence structure.

The sand scorched her toes
and the towel added a rash
The public showers were dirty
and the sunscreen left sticky residue
All of this proof
that exterior forces should not be trusted.


You lose your poetic force in the beginning of this stanza. The lines are too long, too separate from the following revelation. Most of this is caused by mild egregiousness; and there is no surer way to make curt and powerful lines from ones protracted than to remove egregious verbiage. The first line, for instance: "The sand scorched her toes." Since this is a poem, there is no need to be so particular. Not "the" sand, but just "sand" may suffice. "Sand scorched her toes." Even then, it becomes more poetic to simply change the line into a descriptive clause, like "sand-scorched toes." The same can be done with the next 3 lines.

And remove "that" in the last line. Just say "exterior forces should not be trusted."

But the water cleared her mind
and the ocean was just,
in taking away lives
from those who gave them away
and walked into the only open embrace
they could find.


"in taking away lives/from those who gave them away." The second line: redundancy ("away"), egregiousness ("from those who"), all confounding your basic point: the ocean takes only justly, from proffered lives lost living, and offers them embrace. Make it curt, powerful; remove those mildly egregious confounding agents and brace your work upon powerful punctuation and complex structure.

You have quite the poetic idea. Remove the scan lines over the picture; adjust your writing. You just need to refine, and add, and it will come together nicely.

Be forever hortatory,

~Skorlir




sbitonti says...


Thank you so much! This is just what I needed! I will go over it, you have some truly wonderful ideas and have taken my editing to a whole new level. Ahh, I knew something was missing, thank you for helping me and putting it all together!




"In my contact with people I find that, as a rule, it is only the little, narrow people who live for themselves, who never read good books, who do not travel, who never open up their souls in a way to permit them to come into contact with other souls -- with the great outside world."
— Booker T. Washington, Up From Slavery