Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Poetry » Dramatic


The Caffeine

by sbitonti


Her pale, trembling hands grasped the coffee mug,
as if it was the savior of her soul
Her vein pumped to the erratic rhythm
of her heart
in escape
of worse things
found in her head.


The coffee traveled along the vessels
that fueled her heart even faster, heavier

and turned her mind into something
darker, sicker.

Yet she sipped and sipped
because the coffee also made her mind smarter
She would think quicker, deeper

and her heart continued to race.

Another mug now
because her mind had stopped thinking
and she was left with the remains:
crashed, somber, shallow, bitter.

Her fingers jerked when picking up another cup
This wasn't an addiction, this was a need
She needed her mind to keep going, to keep working
jumping from one idea to another

so quickly that she would not be able to form
a solid thought.

Her shaky hand now picked up a pen
and her imagination turned it into a quill.
She sat down to write prose,
her pulse beating faster still.

She returned to the kitchen
A new pot of coffee had just brewed.
She poured herself another cup
but never drank it.

The tingle in her fingertips had jolted to her arms
and the jerking movement of her arms brought a sharp pain to her chest
and her chest pain shot straight to her heart
and now her head held perfect, permanent clarity.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
123 Reviews


Points: 2762
Reviews: 123

Donate
Sun Jul 28, 2013 9:00 pm
FatCowsSis wrote a review...



Hey Sbintonti,

Sorry if I spelled that wrong...Okay, so love the poem, mainly because I love coffee! I love the idea that you put the italics in there! It made the poem stand out a little. The idea of what caffiene "does to you" is clearly shown here. Some people will probably consider this harsh and unnecesairy, but I think it's perfect. And reasonable. Perfectly reasonable. Loved the idea, and the way you put it on paper! Loved it! Keep writing!

-FCS




User avatar
110 Reviews


Points: 240
Reviews: 110

Donate
Sat Jul 20, 2013 7:33 pm
ImHero wrote a review...



It is ImHero here completing the obligation of the review above me thread! But I can’t say this was not a pleasure to read. The poem obviously has an original rhythm and content. It displays a higher knowledge of rhythm, not lyrical rhythm, but a logical rhythm based on wisdom and voice.

Part 1 – Rhythm

When I read it I don’t necessarily agree with all the line breaks in the first stanza but know many people who would think it to compliment you as a writer and your originality. Although, when adding many line breaks you sacrifice lyrical value to your piece. In the poem saying a few words and abruptly stopping and saying another few words adds anticipation and makes the reader think but sadly, makes the poem reflect an unnatural approach, and I’ll say it again takes away rhythm. I just hope as a writer you are considering the tradeoffs of such an approach.

Just looking at the poem I can tell you are not a perfectionist, don’t follow many of the fundamental concepts of poetry; but it makes your poems stand out. For example, the stanzas usually have four lines but when you need to cram more in you decide to expand the stanza in which you are talking about, which is probably the second best approach. The first best approach being restructralizing to keep the integrity of the rhythm. See I believe the structural concept of the same number line stanza’s because when done right it can add so much lyrical flow to your poem, but if done wrong it can take away content.

In the end, this poem is refreshing both rhythmically and contextually. Yes it is not perfect but it never tries to be. I believe the lack of trying to be perfect makes it natural and priceless.

Part 2 – content

So I went on about the rhythm and would like to talk about the content, that is the nitty gritty of what the poem is talking about and what purpose does it serve.

The ambiguity in this case is captivating; it hints with a heart attack or something but there is no certainty in it. I think it is a good approach as it leaves the reader thinking and wanting more. The human brain must rationalize everything and attempt to explain everything so a poem that is both questionable as to what happened and also serves a purpose or commentary on the way people live their life is a priceless gem.

I hope you keep writing.

Your hero,
ImHero




sbitonti says...


Thank you! I have never approached writing poetry before, which is why I treasure this review so very much! I would love to learn more about the principles of poetry, as I have not been introduced to them before. I do think I should go back and revise the original/Italics in order to improve the flow of the poem, as you suggested. This poem is raw in nature, definitely. I am new at this, but I am intrigued to learn a more traditional style to implement among other pieces. Thank you for your advice!! :)



User avatar
45 Reviews


Points: 2602
Reviews: 45

Donate
Tue Jul 02, 2013 2:56 am
KLovelace wrote a review...



Whoa o.o This poem has such amazing imagery. That's the most important comment cx
And I actually really loved the contrasting sides of addiction, and how you used the italics and regular font to emphasize that.
The only suggestion I could make for future works is to maybe have alternating lines of italics verses regular, or a pattern to how you use the two. However, I can also see how the caffeine in the poem would make it sort of random and crazy anyway.




sbitonti says...


Thank you! I totally what you get by lack of a pattern, I actually only dibble dabble in poetry and have had trouble created a solid rhythm. I can only hope to practice more and have my poems become more structured. Thank you again!



User avatar
93 Reviews


Points: 302
Reviews: 93

Donate
Mon Jul 01, 2013 10:32 pm
Nightlyowl wrote a review...



O.O
Wow... That was... a terrible thought! Haha I drink a cup of coffee every morning and that leaves me with one hell of an image. Anyways! Onto the review

While I really enjoyed it. I don't understand why some words are italicized and others aren't. Usually italicized words mean that it's inner thoughts and such, and are easy to see are thoughts, however this doesn't do any of that. I'd say get rid of the italics. So yea... great piece! Keep writing!

5 owls out of 5
~Nightlyowl




sbitonti says...


Hi thank you! I was going to include it in the description but they have a character limit. My purpose for the italics lay behind the theme of addiction: A person will convince themselves it is good for them (hence, the italicized thoughts) when it actually damages them. So, the central theme would be: two sides of an addiction. And don't worry about your coffee drinking, I drink a lot too! Don't worry, It's hard to imagine taking it to such an extreme, but then again, hopefully this poem achieves that. Thank you again for the review!




The capacity of human beings to bore one another seems to be vastly greater than that of any other animal.
— H. L. Mencken