DEMO AUDIO (LYRIC VIDEO):
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y1XXGKGyatk
Verse I:
I think I’ve come undone
When you gave me the sun
But it set down the eastern seas
Made of crimson tears
Which your heart refused to hear
Verse II:
I couldn’t push you back (no, dear)
Not when fate pulled you in (to me)
So how do we get out of this little mess
Without our best ever growing dim?
Chorus I:
Well, let us just move on
I knew from the start it would be bittersweet
Pray don’t care when I’m gone
I’m just a piece in your life that shouldn’t fit
And what would you say if I once more became a stranger on the streets?
Verse III:
We’re pretty young souls (or fools)
Who are yet to know everything about falling in love
Oh, how tough it is
Pain is a way it breathes
Verse IV:
‘Coz it sure does hurt
(Wish I’d listened to her
My friend’s wise words
Stepped into the future)
To realize I don’t belong here
(She said to leave you be
But I chose to believe
That we wouldn’t bleed)
Thinkin’ it’d be better if we’d never met, my dear
Thought we’d save each other from this world
So sad it turns out we only made it drearier
Chorus II:
Well, let us just grow on
I knew from the start it would be bittersweet
Pray be fleeting and be gone
‘Coz you’re a piece of my life that fondly fits
And what would I say if you once more became a stranger on the streets?
Bridge:
I’d say: “Excuse me:
I think I know you from somewhere.
Those brown eyes are too familiar, sir.
Maybe twenty, or thirty years ago? Do you know?”
I mayn’t forget you
So I shan’t ever see you
Verse V:
‘Coz when you smile or walk away
Unlikely either way you will have disremembered our happy days
We’ll tuck in a flower case, forever lock away, with the wish it fades
Chorus III:
Let’s part ways peacefully
Our story holds a truth and is bittersweet
I’m not your enemy
Simply not the one to make you complete
So what do you say, let’s be again strangers—
This must be the end, let’s just be again strangers—
This is the end; let’s just pretend we’re strangers on the streets.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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137,507 Literary Works • 672,040 Reviews
Hello my love <3
) but I don't actually remember reading or listening to this one which is a pleasant surprise! It's also really great to see how much your voice has grown and developed over the years!
RevMo 2020 means I need to review some lyrics, but also need to review work for someone who's been on the site for 10+ years and of course I thought of you!
I've of course listened to both DC Writer and Picture Frame (as I'm in the music video
Anyway, a short review for this one because it looks pretty good to me so far!
So for me the two slightly different tenses in these two lines stops it flowing so well. I would either change the first line to 'I think I came undone' (this would be my personal preference) or the second one to 'Now you've given me the sun'.
That's some lovely imagery!
Not quite sure what you mean here - our best what?
Not sure mayn't is a word
That's all I've got really! I loved this and it was great to come across your older work that I haven't seen before. Missing you!
Icy <3
Jash!
(You might have to consider that sometime though.)
In the end, it does no harm for me, really.
I really enjoyed your song.
To be honest, I'm actually intimidated by you. xD You know, being a much less experienced singer and songwriter and as a writer too, haha. You have such a way with words!
This one in particular, if I may say so, felt like a free-verse that just has a rhyming scheme, especially having listened to the song. My brain was like, "Ooh, what is this? It's so deep~" xD But after simply reading the lyrics, it made much more sense. But still so deep. lol xD
Your writing's so beautiful that it feels as if the story is so real, like you actually experienced it and expressed it into a song. I mean, many love songs out there have situations/stories that were only visualized/imagined, but yours feels really real.
Anyway, I've read some of niteowl's review and here are my thoughts:
- She said that "this sounded really crowded" which I 'noticed' too, but not actively. Like I said, this felt like a free-verse poem and a very spontaneous one at that, but I had no issue with it. Perhaps, though, as a listener, it's so spontaneous that it's not easy to catch up with the words. But in your song, I found your spontaneity beautiful.
- She also nitpicked about the 'mayn't' and the 'shan't'. I agree that these words/abbreviations are, for lack of a better word, archaic. But knowing how you're so deep and artsy with words, I paid it no mind at all, though I've never really seen or heard 'mayn't' being used before, haha. Still, personally, I've 'played' with these kinds of words and abbreviations in my head a few times and I find it really interesting.
I don't really have much of a review, (I didn't really think I could write this for this long) but I hope this helps.
Never stop writing!
You have a very beautiful voice!
Wow. Okay so, I enjoyed reading your lyrics. I love the way they are written... sort of like a story that has a beautiful flow in it. Anyway, you managed to gave it a start, a middle, and an end, and that's what I like most about it.
I love these lines:
Thinkin’ it’d be better if we’d never met, my dear
Thought we’d save each other from this world
So sad it turns out we only made it drearier
They stood out for me, I don't know why. Maybe I could relate to them.
The only thing I could suggest is perhaps label the choruses or set them apart from the verses (I had a little trouble reading it at first). That's it. Great job!
Keep up the awesomeness!
Oh! Okay! I'll do that now. Thanks : )
Hi Jash! Overall, I love this. It's beautifully worded and it was really cool to hear it on the video (which was really well-done). I wish I could put my lyrics to music like that. I have some small comments though.
I think the past tense (I came undone) makes more sense to match "You gave me the sun". Otherwise, great opener.
This might just be me, but "crimson tears" is one of those phrases which screams "bad cutting poem" to me. Obviously you're doing something different with it, which I like, but I'm still not crazy about that phrase in general.
Our best what? Our best light? That would make more sense to me.
It seems like you're talking about the past here, so should it be "we were"?
This is more of an audio critique, but this sounded really crowded on the video. Backup vocals can be cool if they're done well, but I couldn't really understand any of it. Not sure how to fix it, except maybe cut some or switch it to primary vocals.
Um...mayn't? I don't feel like that belongs in a 21st century song. Hearing it didn't change my opinion. Shan't is less weird-sounding, but see if you can't use modern contractions. Perhaps "I might not forget you/So I shouldn't see you"?
So...those are my nitpicks, but overall, this is a lovely song and frankly, I wouldn't mind this being overplayed on the radio.
Ooooh! Thanks a bunch for the review! =D
This is just a small review. I really enjoyed your writing. You're a great writer and this was really beautiful. I love it when I can imagine what is going on and you did a great job with creating imagery. Your word choice was fantastic and it really created strong imagery to create this beautiful flow. I look forward to read more of your stuff
Thank you very much! :]
Wow. That was beautiful. You might want you use synonyms for stranger(s). And in the 4th stanza 'pretty young souls'- very young souls? Awesome though!!
!
Keep writing
Thank you! : )