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Strangers on the Streets

by Jashael


DEMO AUDIO (LYRIC VIDEO):
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y1XXGKGyatk

Verse I:
I think I’ve come undone
When you gave me the sun
But it set down the eastern seas
Made of crimson tears
Which your heart refused to hear

Verse II:
I couldn’t push you back (no, dear)
Not when fate pulled you in (to me)
So how do we get out of this little mess
Without our best ever growing dim?

Chorus I:
Well, let us just move on
I knew from the start it would be bittersweet
Pray don’t care when I’m gone
I’m just a piece in your life that shouldn’t fit
And what would you say if I once more became a stranger on the streets?

Verse III:
We’re pretty young souls (or fools)
Who are yet to know everything about falling in love 
Oh, how tough it is
Pain is a way it breathes

Verse IV:
‘Coz it sure does hurt
(Wish I’d listened to her
My friend’s wise words 
Stepped into the future)
To realize I don’t belong here
(She said to leave you be 
But I chose to believe 
That we wouldn’t bleed)
Thinkin’ it’d be better if we’d never met, my dear
Thought we’d save each other from this world
So sad it turns out we only made it drearier

Chorus II:
Well, let us just grow on 
I knew from the start it would be bittersweet
Pray be fleeting and be gone
‘Coz you’re a piece of my life that fondly fits
And what would I say if you once more became a stranger on the streets?

Bridge:
I’d say: “Excuse me:
I think I know you from somewhere.
Those brown eyes are too familiar, sir.
Maybe twenty, or thirty years ago? Do you know?”

I mayn’t forget you
So I shan’t ever see you

Verse V:
‘Coz when you smile or walk away
Unlikely either way you will have disremembered our happy days
We’ll tuck in a flower case, forever lock away, with the wish it fades

Chorus III:
Let’s part ways peacefully
Our story holds a truth and is bittersweet
I’m not your enemy
Simply not the one to make you complete
So what do you say, let’s be again strangers—
This must be the end, let’s just be again strangers— 
This is the end; let’s just pretend we’re strangers on the streets.


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Sat Aug 10, 2013 12:53 pm
Caerulean wrote a review...



Jash! :D

To be honest, I'm actually intimidated by you. xD You know, being a much less experienced singer and songwriter and as a writer too, haha. You have such a way with words!

This one in particular, if I may say so, felt like a free-verse that just has a rhyming scheme, especially having listened to the song. My brain was like, "Ooh, what is this? It's so deep~" xD But after simply reading the lyrics, it made much more sense. But still so deep. lol xD

Your writing's so beautiful that it feels as if the story is so real, like you actually experienced it and expressed it into a song. I mean, many love songs out there have situations/stories that were only visualized/imagined, but yours feels really real. :)

Anyway, I've read some of niteowl's review and here are my thoughts:
- She said that "this sounded really crowded" which I 'noticed' too, but not actively. Like I said, this felt like a free-verse poem and a very spontaneous one at that, but I had no issue with it. Perhaps, though, as a listener, it's so spontaneous that it's not easy to catch up with the words. But in your song, I found your spontaneity beautiful. :) (You might have to consider that sometime though.)
- She also nitpicked about the 'mayn't' and the 'shan't'. I agree that these words/abbreviations are, for lack of a better word, archaic. But knowing how you're so deep and artsy with words, I paid it no mind at all, though I've never really seen or heard 'mayn't' being used before, haha. Still, personally, I've 'played' with these kinds of words and abbreviations in my head a few times and I find it really interesting. :) In the end, it does no harm for me, really.

I don't really have much of a review, (I didn't really think I could write this for this long) but I hope this helps. :D I really enjoyed your song.

Never stop writing! :D




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Thu Jun 20, 2013 7:47 am
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darkangel_05 wrote a review...



You have a very beautiful voice! :) Wow. Okay so, I enjoyed reading your lyrics. I love the way they are written... sort of like a story that has a beautiful flow in it. Anyway, you managed to gave it a start, a middle, and an end, and that's what I like most about it.

I love these lines:

Thinkin’ it’d be better if we’d never met, my dear
Thought we’d save each other from this world
So sad it turns out we only made it drearier

They stood out for me, I don't know why. Maybe I could relate to them.

The only thing I could suggest is perhaps label the choruses or set them apart from the verses (I had a little trouble reading it at first). That's it. Great job!

Keep up the awesomeness!




Jashael says...


Oh! Okay! I'll do that now. Thanks : )



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Thu Jun 20, 2013 12:51 am
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niteowl wrote a review...



Hi Jash! Overall, I love this. It's beautifully worded and it was really cool to hear it on the video (which was really well-done). I wish I could put my lyrics to music like that. I have some small comments though.

I think I’ve come undone
When you gave me the sun


I think the past tense (I came undone) makes more sense to match "You gave me the sun". Otherwise, great opener.

Made of crimson tears
Which your heart refused to hear


This might just be me, but "crimson tears" is one of those phrases which screams "bad cutting poem" to me. Obviously you're doing something different with it, which I like, but I'm still not crazy about that phrase in general.

So how do we get out of this little mess
Without our best ever growing dim?


Our best what? Our best light? That would make more sense to me.

We’re pretty young souls (or fools)


It seems like you're talking about the past here, so should it be "we were"?

(Wish I’d listened to her
My friend’s wise words
Stepped into the future)
To realize I don’t belong here
(She said to leave you be
But I chose to believe
That we wouldn’t bleed)


This is more of an audio critique, but this sounded really crowded on the video. Backup vocals can be cool if they're done well, but I couldn't really understand any of it. Not sure how to fix it, except maybe cut some or switch it to primary vocals.

I mayn’t forget you
So I shan’t ever see you


Um...mayn't? I don't feel like that belongs in a 21st century song. Hearing it didn't change my opinion. Shan't is less weird-sounding, but see if you can't use modern contractions. Perhaps "I might not forget you/So I shouldn't see you"?

So...those are my nitpicks, but overall, this is a lovely song and frankly, I wouldn't mind this being overplayed on the radio. :P Great job and keep writing! :)




Jashael says...


Ooooh! Thanks a bunch for the review! =D



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Wed Jun 19, 2013 11:19 pm
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Elizabeth1 wrote a review...



This is just a small review. I really enjoyed your writing. You're a great writer and this was really beautiful. I love it when I can imagine what is going on and you did a great job with creating imagery. Your word choice was fantastic and it really created strong imagery to create this beautiful flow. I look forward to read more of your stuff




Jashael says...


Thank you very much! :]



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Wed Jun 19, 2013 9:39 pm
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SailerGirl says...



Wow. That was beautiful. You might want you use synonyms for stranger(s). And in the 4th stanza 'pretty young souls'- very young souls? Awesome though!!
Keep writing :-)!




Jashael says...


Thank you! : )




We understand how dangerous a mask can be. We all become what we pretend to be.
— Patrick Rothfuss, The Name of the Wind