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by cm57105


"The land is ours." Sam yelled, spit flying out of his open mouth. His pudgy face was red as a beet root, a vein on his forehead threatening to burst. Kafel, trying not to smirk, put a hand on Sam's shoulder to steady him.
"Sir, I sincerely doubt that. We've owned this land for the past seventy years. What makes you think we'll give it to you now?" Kafel shot a glance behind him, looking towards his elders for support. They kept their eyes down, as if ashamed at the teenage boy for sticking up for the land they'd owned for generations. Sam shifted his weighty boy from side to side, putting his hat back on.
He was dressed in an awful salmon colored tie, with a grey pinstriped suit. The buttons threatened to burst, as they where obviously meant for a slimmer man.
Kalef remember when he'd first moved down here, with Aunt Di and Uncle Pete, to join the community when their previous doctors had quit. Aunt Di and Uncle Pete where both surgeons and Kalef was seven. Kalef was fifteen now, almost an elder.
"Alright, how 'bout a deal?" Sam seemed to have calmed down a bit, so when he said this he gave Kalef a pat on the shoulder. Kalef shrugged it off. Sam had been nothing but rude since he'd got here. Ridiculing there homes and making the local school a laughing stock. They had paper, quills, desks. Why did they need all that fancy stuff? It wasn't just that, it was the fact that a lot of villages were a lot worse off, they didn't even have schools, or clothes or bread. .
"Why do you want this land anyway? It's in the middle of no where." Kalef asked him.
"I'll tell you what kid, of you haven't already guessed, your more of an imbecile that I thought. We're going to make this bush land the middle of everywhere!" He laughed, snorting as he did so. The two goons behind him did too. Where they bodyguards? They looked like they didn't know one end of a knife from the other.
"Look, kid. I'm not going to do anything bad to your home. I'm just going to buy part of it off you. You'll get money. Money equals good stuff." Sam had definitely recovered from his moment of rage, he was treating Kalef like a child. The goons behind him flexed their muscles threateningly, giving him sneers.
"Go somewhere else." Randy said from behind him. Those words where seconded by a the growing bunch of people gathering around Sam. Sam wasn't flustered though, nodding a the goons.
Before he knew it, Kalef was being held up against the rough stone of the kitchen wall. The goon who held him had tiny ears, comically ill proportioned . Kalef decided to call him Tinker bell. The other goon, who Kalef had christened Pimple, held Randy up on the opposite wall. The clearing was silent.
Sam paced the area, sneering at the cowering bunch of villagers pressed against their big oak.
"This is our land!" He roared, his face once again becoming red. "If I hear one more word from your pups I'm going to let my friends here" he pointed to his goons "teach these kids the meaning of punishment." Not a word was said. It was so quiet, you could hear the soft burrow of a rabbit, the nestling of a bird and the chirping of the crickets.
Kalef soaked in the sounds of his home, his environment, the place where he belonged. If he was going to die here, at the hands of Tinker Bell and Pimply, he at least wanted to hear those sounds. Sam smiled warmly, clasping his hands together.
"Where is your leader? So that we can strike a deal." Sam said. The quiet was interrupted suddenly by the sounds of hooves. Everyone turned towards the entry to the clearly. Out trotted a handsome mahogany Appaloosa, with an equally handsome man riding atop. He had sharp cheekbones, silky black hair and silver eyes. Lean and muscular, he frowned down on Sam. Sam flushed.
"Ranger Ian, at your service." The Ranger said, addressing the whole crowd. He gave Kalef a wink. Who was he? Apparently Sam was just as flabbergasted, he struggled for words. His goons looked at each other and nodded, once, twice.
"I'm hear on orders from Todd, the regular leader of the town. Any problems here, sir?" Ian said, smiling down at Sam.
"How 'bout you get off that damn horse so that we can talk like men?" Sam sneered. Ian shrugged, slipping quietly off the Appaloosa. But it was a mistake. As soon as he had landed on the ground, Pimple slipped a revolver into his hand, shooting at Ian's head.
All hell broke loose as the bullet struck home. Ian slumped to the ground, his honest face lifeless. Tinker bell let go of Kalef. The Appaloosa reared his hooves, smashing skulls to pulp. Red mess, brains, everything smeared the ground as the goons and the Appaloosa let loose. Pimple slitted throats, Tinker Bell lived up to his name, spinning in a deadly dance of knives. Sam stood in the middle of the chaos, wearing a smirk. Kalef charged.
Nothing could touch him. Not the horse, the goons or anything. His fingernails clawed down Sam's face, leaving bloody streaks. He flicked his knife out of his back pocket and slammed into into Sam's skull. He crumpled to the ground, blood pouring from his eyes, nose and mouth.

To be continued...


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20 Reviews


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Wed Jul 24, 2013 9:10 pm
ScribbleBug wrote a review...



Hi! Scribble here! The dialogue in this piece was really good! There are some problems with this piece though. First off, I wasn't sure where this was talking place. Was this a real place, fantasy, what. There isn't enough detail for me to imagine the place, you know what I mean? Anyway, on to nitpicking.

'"The land is ours." Sam yelled, spit flying out of his open mouth.'

Okay, after 'ours', you need to replace the period with a comma, or turn it into an exclamation mark. I personally think that
"The land is ours!" would fit better than "Then land is ours," because with the comma, it seems like hes just stating the land is his, not yelling it out in anger.

"They kept their eyes down, as if ashamed at the teenage boy for sticking up for the land they'd owned for generations. Sam shifted his weighty boy from side to side, putting his hat back on."

The 'at' needs to be replaced by an 'of'. Boy is obviously a typo. Did you mean body? And if so, I think it may flow better if you said "shifted his weight from side to side," or "shifted his immense weight," but that's my opinion.

"The buttons threatened to burst, as they where obviously meant for a slimmer man."

Where need to be were.

"Kalef remember when he'd first moved down here, with Aunt Di and Uncle Pete, to join the community when their previous doctors had quit. Aunt Di and Uncle Pete where both surgeons and Kalef was seven."

This last part makes no sense. It isn't bad, I just think you need to revise it a bit. Also, you can get rid of the commas before and after "with Aunt Di and Uncle Pete".

"Ridiculing there homes and making the local school a laughing stock. They had paper, quills, desks. Why did they need all that fancy stuff?"

'there' needs to be 'thier'. I do that all the time too.

"Sam had been nothing but rude since he'd got here. Ridiculing there homes and making the local school a laughing stock."

When you break the sentence after 'here', you turn the next sentence into a fragment. You should change the period to a comma.


"It wasn't just that, it was the fact that a lot of villages were a lot worse off, they didn't even have schools, or clothes or bread. ."

I think that second period was a mistake.

"The goon who held him had tiny ears, comically ill proportioned . Kalef decided to call him Tinker bell."

No space after proportioned, and capital B in 'bell'

"The Appaloosa reared his hooves, smashing skulls to pulp."

Skulls, plural? I thought only the Ranger Ian was on the ground.
Speaking of the Ranger Ian, who is he? I don't feel as though you cleared it up very well. It felt like that character was, not unnecessary, so to say, but just not explained at all.

Lots of good potential, just some grammatical and detail issues. Hope it helped!
~SB~




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Mon May 27, 2013 3:46 am
Frayer wrote a review...



K so Imma review this!

I love historical stories. It's nice to relive old times every now and then.

The imagery in this story was outstanding.

I could picture every character perfectly and even catch some of their personalities with the imagery alone.

Overall nice job. My review probably doesn't have any great points because I am just getting back into writing and am a little rusty.

Either way please keep up the great work and continue to write short stories.

I love to spend my day reading creative stories like this. Have a nice day!
-Frayer




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303 Reviews


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Sun May 26, 2013 1:50 am
StoneHeart wrote a review...



Hey CM, Black here for a Review Day Review!

So, first off: O.o. This was well written, with good action, lots of violence, and adequate grammar and pacing! You did a good job. The violence was very nicely done. I could 'feel' the action (Just the way I, or any other reader, should!). If you had any weak spots it was in your description and grammar, both important parts of your writing, but luckily, not essential parts.

I'll try to knead out what mistakes and problems I could find, but you must remember that at the end of the day you can't count on reviewers. Okay, that sounded a bit harsh. My point was that if you want to improve your writing you have to do it yourself. I'd advise you to get yourself a grammar checker, and then make a habit of reading your work out loud to yourself before you post it. Reading out loud really helps to find mistakes! Try it!

So first off, we're going to start with your Description problems:

The problem with your descriptions is really simple: You don't have enough information. You don't feed your readers enough information for them to be able to understand what all is going on. I mean, I have no idea what this story world is like, where this piece of action takes place, and what type of a world they are in. Is it the old west? Or is it present times? Or is it some fantasy world? It's usually a very good idea to clear things like this up BEFORE you really get into the action of the story.

You have to remember, your readers want to live the story. There is a limit to how much information you should give them. Too much is too much. But there is a minimum. If you try to give them the absolute minimum then you will, and your poor readers will not be able to follow your story. You, my friend, are sadly close to the absolute minimum.

Next, I'm going to get into it with Grammar:

"The land is ours." Sam yelled, spit flying out of his open mouth.

I’d advise you to get a more intimidating name for the bad guy here! But besides that, the comma should be a semi-colon.

"Sir, I sincerely doubt that. We've owned this land for the past seventy years. What makes you think we'll give it to you now?"

Okay, so I’ll assume that Sam doesn’t actually own the land. You make it sound like Kafel doubts it. You need to change this piece of dialogue to fit what you actually mean.

They kept their eyes down, as if ashamed at the teenage boy for sticking up for the land they'd owned for generations. Sam shifted his weighty boy from side to side, putting his hat back on.

Usually people are ashamed of people, not at them. Also, I think you’re talking about Sam’s body, and not his boy . . . 

The buttons threatened to burst, as they where obviously meant for a slimmer man.

All the threatening is getting rather old (Metaphorically speaking). Also, you should use ‘were’, and not ‘where’ right there (Don’t worry, I do it myself ALL the time).

Kalef remember when he'd first moved down here, with Aunt Di and Uncle Pete, to join the community when their previous doctors had quit. Aunt Di and Uncle Pete where both surgeons and Kalef was seven.

That should be ‘remembered’, and not ‘remember’. Also, the last sentence in this paragraph is really awkward. You need to sit down, think about exactly what you want to say, and then re-write it.

Ridiculing there homes and making the local school a laughing stock. They had paper, quills, desks. Why did they need all that fancy stuff?

That ‘there’ should be ‘their’, and there should be no period after ‘desks’ (It should be a comma).

It wasn't just that, it was the fact that a lot of villages were a lot worse off, they didn't even have schools, or clothes or bread. .

Just a quick comment about ellipses here: there are two types of ellipses and two ways to write them. Here they are. Type 1, way 1: ‘txt … txt’ (No spaces between the 3 periods – Note capitalization and spacing). Type 2, way 1: ‘txt….Txt’ (Again note capitalization and spacing). Type 1, way 2: ‘txt . . . txt’ (With spacing between the periods – Note capitalization and spacing). Type 2, way 2: ‘txt. . . .Txt’ (again note capitalization and spacing).

"Why do you want this land anyway? It's in the middle of no where." Kalef asked him.

‘no where’ should be one word: ‘nowhere’.

"I'll tell you what kid, of you haven't already guessed, your more of an imbecile that I thought.

That ‘your’ should be ‘you’re’.

ill proportioned . Kalef decided to call him Tinker bell.

Big ‘b’ on that ‘bell’, no space after ‘proportioned’, and ‘ill proportioned’ should have a hyphen: ‘ill-proportioned’.

Now note that I did not have a lot of time here and didn’t get all your mistakes, so remember that it’s up to you to take care of the rest!

Overall nice work! Work on the grammar and description, and you’ll be on the highroad to better writing. And most importantly: Keep writing. You gotta remember that writers advance through practice, practice, practice, and more practice!


~Black~




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Sat May 25, 2013 2:50 pm
SocialSuicide107 wrote a review...



Wow, this is awesome. At first I was kind of scared to read it because you said it was random and I thought the plot of the story would be confusing. It was actually very easy to follow and I enjoyed reading it. I'm not so great with grammar and such myself, but I did notice a typo or two. Nothing too bad. But like I said this was a really cool piece and hope you continue with it. Let me know if you do!(:





"Everything you can imagine is real."
— Pablo Picasso