Young Writers Society

Hi. I'm sorry it took so long to get a review DX

So first thing first, spelling/grammar errors I picked up on.
4th paragraph, read = red. "Fox, the boy she had fell in love with." <- this sounds awkward because of fell instead of fallen. Typically had and fell do not go together. It's she had fallen, or she fell. This is because of the en marker actually affix hopping from had. If you want a more in depth explanation of Affix Hopping, hit me up some time. The basics of it is that "-en" goes with "had." This makes had been, had seen, had fallen... It's not alone though, sometimes "ed" replaces it due to the word.
5th paragraph, there's no need for a comma first line after salty tears. They're the subject of the sentence. However, there is a need for a comma in the second sentence, before the and. For more about commas, check this out: Comma Guide

Overall, I feel like this is missing some things, but it has a lot of things going for it. I'll start outwith what it's missing just to leave you with the sweets at the end.

I know what Fox looks like, bloody, wound in his chest (two at the end), bright red hair, green eyes. I don't know what everyone else looks like. What are they wearing that she can carry around a knife long enough to stab him and not just make his life more miserable? How is she strong enough to stab him through the breast plate? These are some of the questions I have when I'm reading this. The main one, her strength, is key for description because it is not every person who can stab people through the chest. That actually takes a lot of force. She would need both hands to do it too. Why not just go for something cleaner like the neck? He's going to suffer bleeding out no matter what way she does it, unless she has some fire powers to seal his wound up with burning it shut. Still, it's a bad situation getting worse every minute, and you capture that nicely by not having that much description. She wouldn't be thinking about herself, she'd be just focusing on others, like the brat who shot her boy toy.

So, that's the next thing, what made him do it? What was his motivation for finally pulling the bow? I would really like to see more added on to the 10-5min before the shot actually took place, the twang of the bow being released, and then this as a dramatic climax. That's a personal thing though, I like my back-story to be in the story, and not through flashbacks, but in chronological order. With this story, you could easily fall into talking head syndrome with them yelling back and forth, or you could make it super dramatic with this strong robust female trying to stop Sam. Also, where's Dayles after she breaks free? Did he leave with Sam? I barely remembered there was someone restraining her, but there would have to be if she's strong enough to stab Fox through the breast plate deep enough to kill him. Ouch, by the way, bad enough he's already dying from bleeding out, but now he's stabbed in the heart DX. Talk about dark. Dayles seems like the type who would stick around and stop her from killing herself though. Something about that name (that is all we get about him by the way).

So overall, I think you have a good ending to a story, but I'd like to see more of the story. It's nice the way that you have little hints of what is going on, who was what, but I want to really feel the building action instead of showing up after the climax. Sure, this story is about following Juliette's footsteps, but I want to see how she got there. That's why that play was so long. It's the delicious betrayals, and exiling of their love which makes tragedy, seeing where they started and watching them fall. So now you've made them fall, let's see where they started.

This short story is amazing. The language is really emotive and it basically put me in tears. That is a real talent, cm57105, if you can do that someone just from a short story, imagine a real novel. I think there is real talent on this website, but I've never seen one like yours. In terms of grammar I think it is exceptional.
I was picturing this short story like a movie in my mind and I think it was amazing. I read this 3 times, that's how much I liked it.
""I love you." Fox croaked, laying his hand in hers. Eneta couldn't bring herself to say it, so she just squeezed his hand. "Do it now." He whispered. Eneta and Fox looked into each other's face one last time, then Fox took a deep breath, closing his eyes. Eneta screamed, clawing at her head.
With a strangled cry she sank the dagger into Fox's chest. Then with a tearful gulp, she turned it on herself."
I think this part of the story really got me choked up particularly, it took me to a complete alternate universe.
so well done
IvyLeonora

Let me first start off by saying I hate Romeo and Juliet death things, but this was an exception. It was tragic.
It was a really good story - especially for its length. I'm not saying shorter stories are bad or anything, let me be clear. I'm just saying this was short but you brought a story to life so effortlessly and did it in a great way. Props to you!!

This story was great, I absolutely loved it. I loved the romance and the flow of the story. The story sucked you in and forced you to keep reading with its pure awesomeness. I didn't like how they both died in the end but overall it was a great story.

I'm not really one for tragic love stories but this one called to me it said "read me, read me." so i did and it was great. there were some mistakes but it did not take away from the story and it moved me somehow. I felt deeply connected to the story and could really feel the characters and how they were feeling. I could feel the pain of loosing someone as strongly as if it were me.

I loved this story it was sweet and sad and it left me wanting more. I think it had potential as a really good story. It had character and meaning. I loved how it all fit together.

All in all very good story, Keep writing musiclover out

Very very nice story, and I do think you should enter it in a contest. I loved it!!!!!

You did a nice job of describing Fox, but you didn't describe Eneta.

Okay so now the errors:

You made a few sentence errors
"She could feel Dayle's restraining her...." Dayle's arms were restraining her?
"cruel to get him to him to hang on" you just mistyped this sentence.

Other than the errors, the story was very amazing. You detailing was awesome!

~NoOne

Hey there!

Happy Review Day!

I really enjoyed reading it. I must say that once I learned Fox and Eneta were lovers she was going to kill herself in the end. Putting that aside your emotions were well written, the character introduction simple. You explained just enough for us to understand the characters.

Fox, with his fiery read hair that had got him the nickname 'Fox'.

Salty tears, stung her lips as she knelt down next to the boy, feverishly trying to patch up the wound with moss.

Even that caused him pain though and he let out a soundless cry.

Fox placed his bloody hand in [ on ] the dagger in her belt, then pointed it at his heart. He moaned softly as another wave of nausea crashed over him

Here to review!

My name is Aquestioning, and I'm going to review this short story that you wrote (duh!) for you today! Exciting, isn't it? Well, maybe not that much, but hey, you get a review, my team gets points, and we're one step closer to our goal for Review Day. It's a win-win all around!

The arrow pierced Fox's chest, spreading blood like wildfire.

She could feel Dayle's restraining her, but Eneta ripped them off, running over to the boy.

Hey! You're my first review on review day!

So, since this is a short story, and since Dayle did not really get a part in this, (why not? Could Dayle have helped keep Fox alive?) I don't know if saying "Dayle" specifically would have made any difference in just saying "Someone's hands restraining her" but this is just some thought pointers. I guess it is good you put Dayle if you meant to connect but then I kept wondering what happened to Dayle and why he couldn't help and such. Or was he there to give the reader comfort that Eneta would be taken care of after Fox's death?

With that said, here I go:

"She could feel Dayle's hands restraining her, but Eneta ripped them off, running over to the boy."

"He screamed hoarsely, his voice echoing across the small clearing. The scream was followed by the metallic smell of blood." -- I would suggest changing it to something like this, because since you are saying echoing it doesn't work with smell, so somehow separating those two sentences would be good.

"Eneta screamed too, but her's was definitely not hoarse." -- Personally I don't see the point in emphasizing that her voice was not hoarse. Maybe there was a point in that, but it seemed a little like you were saying her voice wasn't hoarse because she was a girl.

"as Fox writhed in pain" I think this is what you meant? Or maybe what you could use.

I think that Sam was essential and even though I don't know what went down that caused Sam to think Fox was a thief and a criminal, it really helped me to understand what was going on a bit more. Also, I found it very fascinating that you decided to name your character Fox, and although you said later on it was because of a nickname, I still think it is interesting that it has a connection with the reason why he was killed. Fox's are usually thought of as cunning, and deceitful so it really hit home for me, and I thought that was smart.

"When she had caught him stealing from the kitchen" -- again this line really brings to light the Fox's persona. But it leaves a bit of a vague image of their relationship. I think that there needs to be a middle ground, because it jumped form "befriend" to "in love" rather quickly and it would have been nice to read a little more on what went on in between those two stages. With that said though personally I think you did a good job in writing it, for some reason that still connected me to the characters.

"feverishly trying to patch up the wound with moss." -- Is that the only way to patch up a wound? I don't know but this seemed a little bit strange to me, I am more used to people wrapping clothing around wounds to patch them up. And remember in the beginning of the story you wrote quote "The feathery shaft hadn't pierced very far into his chest," and yes, I know later on you wrote that Sam was thinking the blood loss would kill him, but how is it possible for there to be that much blood that she can't do first aid on him to save him.

I realize this is a drama, but I am suggesting you make the wound more dramatic than the reaction to it. That way your reader knows for sure that this is something really serious. It still doesn't have to be a wound that hits the organs or anything but, it should be a bit more serious. And be more medically descriptive, like if you had said that the arrow had hit an artery or a nerve there's a lot of blood stored up in those places which can cause a lot of blood loss. It just may help to add to the drama, and also the pain, at times I wondered if the pain too was being over-dramatized but I'm not sure about that.

"Even the birds sat silent as they watched the horrible spectacle."

I would change that too:

"Even birds paused in silence, as they watched the horrible spectacle." -- I am suggesting this because birds don't sit really, and saying "the" birds brings to mind a specific set of birds, in my opinion. Also I am not sure if this is needed all together, I think it is a bit random, and unfitting for the seriousness of this short story. But that's just my opinion and it could work. But I would suggest instead of talking about the birds that you bring Dayle into this! That way he can have a bigger part than just the person that pulls her back in the beginning.


"Fox placed his bloody hand in the dagger in her belt, then pointed it at his heart." -- When I read this, I was so surprised and sad. It seemed kind of strange he would want to kill himself instead of just die. I understand there was a lot of pain, but what if she had missed his heart slightly? That would have caused even more pain! And again, it seemed strange that with the wound he had he would want to have her stab him in the heart.

"His eyes pleaded with hers, the will to live gone."

"They would always remember each other, for the love and friendship the other had provided." -- I think this needs to dig deeper. Is that all they would remember each other for? I just feel like this is a bit of a "fit in" line where you just wanted to include them having a mutual glance. It would be so much more special if they had said something or if he had said "Please remember..." or if she had said "Don't forget...."

"She looked down at his pale, angelic face." -- if the guy had been writhing in pain and had given up to the point of not wanting to live, I don't think his face looked too angelic. I think that he looked tired, and weathered, and his face was all scrunched up. So, I think that sentence needs to be revised. Try to be more descriptive, you can still say he looks good, but just be a little more realistic.

"Eneta screamed, clawing at her head." -- Clawing at her head? I think this needs to be revised too, there are other things people could do in desperation and I think the clawing is a bit much and also a tad bit strange. I just feel like it doesn't fit the scene. I would suggest you instead say that she is gathering resolve to do the crazy thing she is about to do, for it is hard for her.

"Then with a tearful gulp, she turned it on herself." -- I actually like different descriptions like "strangled cry and tearful gulp" but for this sentence I would suggest changing tearful gulp to "fearful grip" or something like that. But this is my opinion and I just think it would add more focus on the fact that she turned it to herself.

So, overall this was really good. A couple of things need to be fixed here and there, and some ideas need to be rearranged I believe, but it is still good writing. And also the "Juliet" ending didn't really seem cliche, and I thought the way it was phrased "she turned it on herself" was good. The only thing I felt missing from the story was that connection between Her and Fox though, and of course the unused Dayle.

Anyways, Great job!

-- Dream big.