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137,435 Literary Works • 672,020 Reviews
Hey Sayshi! Black here for a quick Review Day Review!
Ok, I'm impressed. Really though, you did a great job here! Your style is really cool and smooth. Your wording is exquisite, not to complicated and not too simple. Your theme/idea is a bit shallow and simple, but it's well portrayed and very well written! Your grammar is very nice, though I think you could really use a bit less punctuation! Your rhyming is EXTREMELY nice! I've been reading all these pieces of poetry today without rhyming, and now comparing them to this, they feel so bland.
But you do have a couple mistakes I'm afraid. Your rhyming and flow both have some pretty nasty mistakes that make this piece really jolt hard. You have some areas where you use far too many comma's for proper flowing. And you have a very common habit of capitalizing words that don't need to be capitalized. There's a simple rule to fix this problem: If there's a period before the word then capitalize the first letter of that word (As long as its not like, a noun).
Okay, so I'm going to make this a pretty quick review, but I do not plan to leave you without going into some depth about your problems with rhyming and flow. So, here goes with a few examples of your general problem, and some solutions! (Remember however: It's up to you to generalize and fix the problem! Don't count on me alone!).
Okay, you really need to be careful to not make a new stanza just because it 'feels right'. You make a new stanza in poetry just like you make a new stanza in normal writing. Because it belongs there. This here stanza that I too this quote from could, and indeed, should, be put into the following piece, I do believe. Also, 'Without knowledge there is no season' doesn't make any sense . . . at all.
I'd advise you to review this second line here. It feels terribly awkward right now. I may of course be wrong and its perfectly okay, but I might note right now that using too many 'and's in rhyming poetry is usually very messy
I would cut that first comma and 'the' out. Try it, see if it helps it read any better. Your repeating of 'the ties' feels wrong.
Turning that first comma into a period and following 'remember' with another period, would, I think, really help you here. Try it. Use what works!
This ending feels very incomplete and awkward. Think about it. Read it out loud to yourself. Tell me if you see what I see. . . . If you do, then you might want to see about A: adding more, or B: changing what you have here.
Okay, I think that covers most of your problem, though you would probably do quite well to generalize a bit and work off of that! Anyway! Good luck, and very nice work! I really enjoyed it!
Keep writing – Do so and I guarantee your improvement!
~Black~
Hello, dear! I decided one of your poems should be the first thing I review on review day
I really like some of what you're saying here, but the without rhyme there's no reason statement is a little too over-used for my liking. I think it would have worked if you'd given a more unique spin to it and not had the repetition of rhyme so close by, but it's not quite there at the moment.
What I'd maybe suggest as a general piece of advice is to try being less wordy. The great thing about poetry is that you can move words around and skip others out - it has a different flow to prose and often shorter is better. Why not try something like:
Things were supposed to get better in time;
a life with reason, the reason of rhyme.
It's just a quick example of how you could play with your words a bit more
The last line of this stanza is too long and doesn't fit the flow of the others. You just about get away with the second and the third stretches out because of 'reaction' but then the last line goes on forever and it's breaking your flow. When you use a structured rhyme pattern in a poem, you have to keep your rhythm in line as well.
I'm not sure about the last line here, but the other three I like. I think with the last it's the 'just' which is drawing it out too much. If you drop that, then you'll have the flow spot on.
This is your strongest stanza so far, good work!
I think you need to start thinking about your imagery now. You have your story and after a bit of tweaking, you'll have the rhyme and rhythm as well, but what about the imagery? It's all a little too generic and well known phrases like 'worth a shot'. Try thinking outside of the box. You don't necessarily have to say something different, but say it in a different way. For example, 'I know it's hard, but it's worth a shot' could become 'I know it's hard, but put the bullet in'.
I think the last stanza needs to flow better and that last line is especially awkward. It feels like the words are there because you need words and not because they're what you want to say.
Overall, I think you could do more with this, but it's a good start. Keep writing!
Heather xx
I'm still trying to understand the deeper meaning of poetry. I have a friend who loves poetry but when she shows it to me I don't understand. Then she explains it to me and I see the deeper meaning and how beautiful it really is. Or sometimes how it shows deep personal encounters. Or you just express your feelings. Could you please leave a short description for me?
Well, in this poem I am obviously expressing deep feelings for a person. In the beginning of the poem I am saying that I wanted things to get better in time, but it hasn't. Then I go on to say that it makes no sense to me, I don't understand why time isn't healing the relationship. The next stanza basically says that I am sorry for all that has happened, it's just that I like this person so much that I can't help the things that I have done.
"I can%u2019t stand the look in your eyes
You look sad, lost, looking for the ties
The ties to us and where we belong
Please, darling, lets just move along"
These lines were saying that I can tell that he feels the same way about me, but he is upset over everything that has gone on between the two of us. Not only that, but he is trying to find a way to help get past those things. The stanza after that goes along with the one I just showed you.
The last stanza pretty much just says that I miss him and that I can tell that he still feels the same way that he used to. So...I can tell that he still likes me. haha. Sorry if that confused you even more, I tried my best, that's why I write poetry because it's easier to explain it that way.
This was a great poem but the rhymes sometimes just didn't do it for me. It's probably just me though and it's a fantastic poem. I like the point you were trying to get across and it's very romantic. Keep up the great work and I hope to see more poems soon
~MindBlown
Thanks for the great review, I appreciate it.
I really liked your poem, but sometimes it felt like you had to force some of the rhymes, the last line especially. Take what I said with a grain of salt though because it really is a good poem.
I really like the way this poem flows! It's also extremely relate-able(my favorite kind of poems to read:)) I have to agree with Aley though that the first stanza could maybe be fixed up a little.. i did like it, however it was sporadic to me and didnt totally fit with the rest of the poem... however overall i did enjoy reading this!
Nice job and keep writing! -Heather
Thanks you so much.
This poem starts out kind of weird, and doesn't make much sense. There is reason without rhyme. There are seasons without knowledge. These types of inconsistency with reality make me doubt the validity of the speaker's sanity.
Overall I think the poem does a good job of hiding the rhyme scheme. I think the main thing is the first stanza really needs to be looked at again to make sure you know exactly what you want to say there. There are also times when you repeat things very close together, such as the third stanza with 'The ties,' and that was rather bothersome. I like to try to make sure that things are uniquely put no matter how typical the image is. If I can make a rose mean death, I will make a rose mean death, you know? For this poem, i feel like you didn't try to stretch out too far.
I would like to see the first stanza just reworked, or taken off, the rest of the poem seems more interconnected than the first stanza does with the other stanzas. Also, make sure you're using the punctuation for your sentences and things. It is really helpful for people who don't always like reading poetry to get a hang on it if they have typical punctuation.
Alrighty! Thanks a bunch.
Yet another lovely work by lovelysayshi! Keep it up. I really love it . I could feel exactly how the person in the poem is feeling and your rhyming is superb. Nice punctuation
very few trivial mistakes.
Keep it up!
~Speakerskat
Thank you! You have no idea how much this means to me.