Mom

This was slightly heartbreaking.

I know that this is very true and I amazed someone could hit the mark so well in such a short poem. I really only have one major nitpick. The ending. I love it dearly, but have you tried to reformat it? The white space is lacking and I know that it is just as important to have it as not to.

Cold rivers

And fallen leaves

White coated walls

And honey bees

All paint a picture of your hair

And your eyes

All write me a letter

'Dear broken girl,'

It says,

'She is everywhere,
everywhere but with you,
and though your heart may burn
when the colors are too vibrant, or
when the picture is too clear,
we just want you to know that
she did love you.
She loved you like the man
sending a post card, enough
to think about you, but
not enough to stay.'"

I dunno, it might just be easier on the eyes, and can create even more emotions depending on the line breaks.

Keep writing and Have a happy review day!

the grey reality

Hey lovely,

I thought that this was really well done, and I really enjoyed it! It was very emotional, but I like that about it, it wasn't over dramatic. I thought that you had really good imagery, and yeah, you are a really good poet! I don't have anything bad to say about it, so thats good. YAY! I really hope that you keep writing poems, will definitely read them!

happy writing,

-kitty4111

Hello! Happy last few minutes of Review Day!
This is a touching poem, it gives out a lot of emotions. I think a lot of mums try to care, but they just never hit the mark. They end up leaving, fading away in the wind, as your poem said.

The only nitpick I have is how you wrote 'all' at the beginning of two lines. In the line with painting, you can just get rid of the all. I don't think it's necessary. In the writing a letter line, is the 'all' meant to be 'or'? I don't understand why you'd have 'all' there, it doesn't make sense.

Anyway, it's a good poem and I hope you write more!

Hello, Lovely! The name is Storm, and I'll be reviewing for you tonight. Happy Review Day from the Green Team! Before I start, I just wanted to say that your avatar is precious. Haha I'm not really sure what it is (it looks Australian), but it's so cute! xD Anyways. Without further ado, let's get to the review.

Wow. Just wow. I'm... kind of speechless. This is honestly beautiful and heartbreaking all at the same time, and I just love this. Your use of the different senses, with the tactile approach with the "cold rivers" bit, the visual with "fallen leaves, white coated walls," and the aural with "and honey bees" because I can just hear them humming softly to themselves. I like how you described each thing about her briefly, enough to give the reader an idea of what to imagine but not quite enough to shove it in their brain, yelling, "This is what it's supposed to be like!" A lot is left up to the person. I like that.

I must admit that I'm not really sure what white coated walls (which, by the way, is actually supposed to be "white-coated walls) have to do with a person's hair, but you wrote it in such a beautiful manner that I hardly can care.

The last line speaks multitudes. I receive such a strong sense of suffering, tears, and wondering just from the confession about the speaker's mother. It's quite gorgeous in a delicate sort of way. Thank you so much for sharing this lovely piece, Lovely! (See what I did there?) I hope to see you around. Let me know if you have any questions, and as always: Write on!

---Storm

Wow! It's so emotional.I love how you portrayed the mother as the earth.It was beautiful.It was abit heartbreaking.It had a heartbeat all its own.You might want to make it a tad longer.It felt rushed.You never want you readers to fell cheated at the end.You could add some vivid sentences to add to the overall essences of the poem.You keep up the great work.

lovelysayhi

Okay, this was really well done.

I like how the format changes so rapidly near the end. It makes it look like an actual letter and is a wise choice in this case.

I don't see any spelling errors in the poem, and it flows so nicely.

We'll done. Keep it up!

lovelysayhi

Okay, this was really well done.

I like how the format changes so rapidly near the end. It makes it look like an actual letter and is a wise choice in this case.

I don't see any spelling errors in the poem, and it flows so nicely.

We'll done. Keep it up!

I usually don't read poetry. But your poetry was so touching. You're a good poet. Keep it up.

Jack here for a quick review.

I am not the best at telling what good poetry is, but this was great! It had emotion and it was really sweet. You have a good talent here!

Though I didn't get the part at the end, it feels like it is going from a poetry to a short story. Personally I would chose one or the other, but it is up to you. But either way it was still a good read. Maybe just split it up a bit.

It says,

When you say this I think it ruins the flow, it is just so flat. I think it should be fixed up to something else nicer to read, maybe but it says in front of 'Dear broken girl,' you could even change it says to it reads. Up to you!

I just also got to say I really liked the last sentence it really topped of the story, so good job!!

Anyway overall this was great, and I wouldn't be surprised if this got in the literary spotlight or something. I also plan to take a look at your other poems, I hope they are as good as these!


Jack

Hi!

I enjoyed reading this poem, but I am a little confused as to why you used a paragraph at the end instead of continuing to write in verse. I think it would have worked better that way. I love your use of similes in this! Keep up the great work!

(If you have any questions let me know )

xoxo,
Rascalover

First I just want to say that I can relate to this poem so much. I think you did a great job with your line spacing and word choice as well. I also like what you did at the end of you peace. It flowed so effortful together. The only thing that I am confused about is why you had put all. I would like to know why so if you could please let me know I would highly appreciate it.

Young Writer,
Lily