Young Writers Society

Arctic! Happy Revew Day! I'm here like you requested~

This is a really lovely poem to read! I can just feel the emotion behind each word. Although I'm not a poem expert, I still really enjoyed reading this.

Couple of things, though:

(1st stanza) Was all there was too life

Bad news strikes like
Lightning on the moon
"Impossible," I say
"Was this really true?"

The spark reminds me of transformers. Moving on this is a kind of under the desk sneaky type review hope that the eafywrb don't see and I'm not looking at rye keyobard.

The main thing is that you start with a fie line stanza then you go to four line consistanr stanzas. This is off putting to the reader as it is the starting paragraph. I really like some of the lines in the poem especially the one before the line about the woman but I forgot what it was because I can't go back and lok because it will be susisious. I know this is a pretty crappy review but too bad.

Hey Arctic! I'm a tad late for this one, but I'll try my best not to repeat anything. Also, I'm not a poet myself! I'll try to be as helpful as I can

I'll start with what I liked about this poem:
I think this was a very "light" poem. I didn't have to scratch my head a lot because of failing to understand a certain stanza or line. I liked the idea.

Bad news strikes like
Lightning on the moon
"Impossible," I say
"Was this really true?"

A beautiful and strong woman,
Who has sadly lost her king
Fighting for the right cause
Even though he couldn't win

It's weird that the spark
Comes and hits you when you're high

hey arctic monkey,
I really loved reading this poem and hope you keep writing poetry because you definitely have a spark for it!
Some advide i would give would just be to add another stanza or second poem to help build the background behind you and this woman or her and the king to show how they are relevant in creating the poem. For i am intrigued and want to know more.
You could also start your last stanza the same as the first, with "it's weird that the spark,
Hit far too quickly",
however this is only a suggestion just to help bring the poem to an end.
Thank you for taking the time to write this and read my review, see you soon bbs
Franz xxx

Hello ArcticMonkey,

EnchantedPanda here to review for you as requested!

Okay, I see what you mean when you said poetry wasn't your strongest points. For a beginner at poetry this is actually okay and you've definitely got some potential as a poet but this poem definitely has some obvious flaws. In this review I'll cover the key areas where you went wrong with this and give you some pointers on what I did like and where you were heading in the right direction.

The most obvious area that let you down in this was the forced feeling I got when I read this and i think that was definitely caused by your attempt at rhyming. First of all, let me make it clear to you that rhyming is never necessary and rarely makes a poem actually better to read unless you are an experienced poet and have had enough practice to pull it off. More often than not, if you can't pull it off completely it's better to steer clear of rhyming altogether until you've had more experience at writing poetry. In this case, I don't think you pulled it off properly, mostly because when I read this it feels like your entire writing is based around making those rhymes work and make sense with the poem. if you want some advice on how to rhyme properly I suggest you check out [url=http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/viewtopic.php?f=152&t=19834]this article here[url], it's a good guideline and it's got some useful pointers which might help you out a bit.

Another problem with this is the lack of flow, most likely caused by your rhyme scheme. When I read this it feels awkward and disjointed in places and it can be hard to read this smoothly. I would suggest trying to match up your syllable counts a bit, but another easy way to pinpoint major flow errors is to read this out loud. You'll know when you hit an awkward sounding part because it won't sound as flowing as the rest of the poem. Then it's just a simple matter of rewording and moving bits around until it sounds perfect.

The final key piece of advice I have to give to you is based around language. This is pretty simple vocabulary used here. That's not a major issue but it can help make this deeper and more powerful if you try and use language that inspires and exaggerates your ideas. I'm not saying go hunting through a theasaurous and replace every adjective and verb with a more complicated or advanced word. What I'm suggesting is trying to expand on simple language and build up layers to make this more emotive. Good language is the foundation of writing- and in fact the main quality of a good poem, meaning good language is the equivalent of a good poem and it is how we achieve impact through our writing. Have fun with your word choice, make it rich and raw- express yourself as much as you can through the power of of the written word.

My favorite part of this was probably the fourth stanza;

A beautiful and strong woman,
Who has sadly lost her king
Fighting for the right cause
Even though he couldn't win

Hey Arctic! Well this poem is a little rough around the edges to say the least, and I think that it's largely due to the restricting rhyme scheme. Not all poems have to rhyme, and in some case it just stifles what the writer is trying to say by forcing them to make sure that the pattern isn't broken. I felt as though the rhythm was off and the rhyming certainly didn't help; as a result, the poem loses its flow and fails to really "work" cohesively. Instead, it sounds like something that you might slap together for a school project and call it good.

It's lack in depth and imagery also makes it difficult to really fall in love with. Poetry should play to image and emotion, so be sure to expand your vocabulary a little or at least bring this alive with a little metaphor. Without it, it simply falls flat.

This was a pretty harsh review, but in all honesty this wasn't a bad poem - it just wasn't anything new. Try to think outside of the box and read up on your poetry, and keep practicing! I can tell there's a glimmer of potential there, so just try to really, really make each work you write your own.

Keep writing, and best wishes. xxx

Hello! Kameron, and I'll do my best to work with what you have because it is a good piece but maybe a tad confusing at first?

Well, I do admit that my poems are definitely not perfect themselves, but yours could use as much work as anyones,including my own. Your comparison could be touched up with the 'lightning on the moon' part. I mean, it is a beautiful comparison but does it make much sense? I do not know much about such things, but maybe give a different comparison such as...
'Tragedy striking in time,
Fast like Death overdue'
Or something like that .I love the poem,expressing agony of maybe war? Yes, it seems like that. I enjoy the King & Queen part, and it explains the entire thing in a way that is understandable to a number of people

Now, I do not think I see any typos, which is more then I may say for myself ;D A little confusion at the end, is that question meant for us or is it part of the poem? As I think about it, the question seems more for the audience but still, doubt you know? Well, I do enjoy the poem and feel like it doesn't need much work but it could also be put into other things such as stories or a longer poem.

I do not think about Free verse, Haiku, or anything as that so much but I do wonder if that was the thing you are looking for. Keeping that out of the way,I like the poem all its own. Keep writing, and if you need anymore reviews, just contact me!