Hey guys!!
I wrote this poem randomly after school, as we were studying God in R.E/R.S
If we could speak to God,
What would we say?
Would we complain about the starving children
Who die everyday?
Would we thank him
For all the love that he's shared?
Or simply say look;
I don't think you've cared
Maybe we'd say,
Cause' of you, the stars shine so bright
Even though
You've lead us to fight
All these fights, these conflicts
You're to blame
So it's you who should burn in hell
With fiery flame
This is my first poem in a really long time, so comments would be helpful!!
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Wow, this was very bold. God is a very sensitive topic, so it's rather shocking (although not a bad thing) to see such a blunt take on the idea that there is a greater, more powerful being up There.
I really couldn't find much to nitpick or edit.
Cause'
The apostrophe should be at the beginning, not the end.
I usually don't comment on punctuation in these types of things (poetry), but here:
Even though <<I think it would really help the flow to add a comma.
You've lead us to fight
Although others though this too short, I think the length added to the effect of the last lines. I really enjoyed this. It was creative, interesting, and an altogether great read.
Overall rating: 9/10
Like the others before me who commented on your poem, I found it quick, and straight to the point. The beginning was sweet, yet predictable the questions that someone may ask. The rhythum was good in the beginning and middle, but stumbled a bit near the end. "Burn in fiery ___" I'd have added a little "a" in there, but still- nontheless, it was great! And honestly, I enjoyed it, wonderfully done
This poem is simple enough and the words used are, well, very elementary. But it makes you silent; makes you think after reading it. It has a certain impact and appeal. And I like how you started with such innocent and guileless questions, making the last lines more shocking than they really are. Kudos. And
Keep Writing!
Heya Tam
I'm here to review as requested. Just to warn you, I'm not the best when it comes to poetry critiques.
Overall
I'm not actually going to have much to say about this poem, mainly because it's rather short. I will try my best to help you improve on it though and tell you what I think. What I liked best about this poem is actually the idea behind it. It kind of reminded me of one of my favourite songs; Him, by Lilly Allen. I like the message that you were portraying here. It's as if you were saying that God isn't all that he's cracked up to be. What you were saying actually had a good point behind it, I really liked it. When it comes to your grammar, it was pretty good. Any errors that you did make, I fixed for you. When it comes to your spelling, like usual, I didn't find a single mistake. Back to your grammar though, I noticed that you capitalized the beginning of every line. Remember, you only need a capital letter at the beginning of a line if the line before it ended with a period. Not many poets know that actually. I suppose you can capitalize the beginning of every line if you want, it's just more technically correct if you don't. The grammar in the poem is exactly the same as the grammar in a story or any other piece of writing for that matter.
My main critique for this is imagery. I have to say, there isn't really much imagery in this. I personally love a lot of imagery in a poem, it makes it more interesting to read. I also think that it brings out the true creativity in a writer when they include lots of imagery and descriptions in a poem. What I mean by this is that you don't have any real metaphors, simile's, personifications or anything like that in this poem. Don't get me wrong, there was some imagery in this, just not enough. I know that you have great potential, tam, I just want to see that potential shine through! Considering this poem, at the moment, is only made up of couplets, you could easily make it a bit longer and add in some nice descriptions. Don't be afraid to be descriptive. If you can think of a nice descriptive line, or an effective simile, write it down. There are lots of ways you could create good imagery in a poem like this. Describe how war and hatred is taking over society, how children are smoking, drinking e.t.c. Don't just say it though, describe it and show it to us. Do you understand what I mean?
I don't really have much else to say now... I'm really not too good at poetry critiques. To be honest, I'm finding this poem quite hard to critique. That's a good thing though, I think.
Keep writing,
xoxo Rhian
Yea, i really loved this! It covered a lot of points people have about God without getting too long or extensive about it, which i really liked
. This subject always makes people think, and you did a really good job on it. Keep it up and keep writing!
Hai.
Spoiler
This was an interesting take on God's effect on our world. I didn't hate it, but it could be vastly improved. Keep working. Let me know if you have any questions.
I really liked this. It makes you think; which is always a good thing.
Sorry, I don't write poetry, so I can't give you very helpful tips on how to write, but I thought you should know that I enjoyed reading it and I think you definitely should keep writing and practicing! :]
-Kate
Wow! This was a great poem! I really liked the expression and feeling in it. It's short and quick, but it's amazing how much you squeezed in! I can't wait to read more!
~Star