THREE FOR THREE!~
Alright, so in this one I'm going to focus on the lyrical aspect of the poem. The pace is awkward to try to sing. I tried. It almost feels like it's supposed to be a rock concert, monotone and shouted, but the words are gentle and sweet. I guess the reason is because I am having a hard time finding a beat through the poem.
To begin with the beat is stress, unstressed, but retaliation kind of breaks that up and then it flips, unstressed, stressed, and that just breaks things up too awkwardly from the start. Try to remain consistent with what you start on.
Further down near the middle, we have oh the, well both of them are unstressed in how I understand them, so that makes me even more confused. Singing it, as it is a lyrical poem and thus should be able to be sung, is difficult.
As for your punctuation, I'll stop eating at you about it, but I don't like the use of ~~ although you do have better sentence structure in this one and it does make it a lot easier to read.
I would suggest stretching your legs, try other types of poetry, such as structured things like sonnets and villanelles. I feel like it could really help you play with line breaks and give you a new place to play with your poetry. I hope to see how you improve.
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