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Young Writers Society



The Unknown Planet: Chapter 1.

by Jonathan


Chapter 1: James Fennimore Cooper.

That cold day I came home later than I normally did I walked slowly up the front porch stars and knocked on the door “hello” he said slightly louder than he had intended it to be.

I received no answer from inside the house “I’m home” he yelled again and a minute later he decided that they had gone off on a walk with Magnus there German shepherd.

I stepped in and shut the door with a little crunch and walked across the hard cement floor and sat my back pack down on the couch I guessed that my mom would probably tell me to get it of when she got home but I would do it later.

I walked back and forth for a quite a bit of time thinking about my life and how almost everything in it had gone wrong at lest it seemed like it to me at that point and I thought of how my grandpa had died recently and how nothing seemed to happen.

After a bit I was getting more and more warred about his parents if they had gone for a while they would have told him but maybe it was a last minute thing.

Since I was getting hungry I walked over to the kitchen and looked around and found some meat loaf and some corn on a plate after I ate I went up too my bed and lay down but I could not get to sleep.

Then at about ten o’clock I woke up to here someone knocking on the door I walked down and opened the door but no one was there but I saw a police car come to a stop at the drive way and a police man stepped out with a stern look on his thin face he walked up to me and said “are you a Cooper”.

“Yes sir” I answered he seemed troubled and that meant something had happened I looked up and guessed what he was going to say.

“Son your mother is dead and your father isn’t going to make it, I am sorry” He said and he looked down at his shoes.

A wave of pain and grief washed over me and I began to sob uncontrollably.

“Would you like to go and say good bye to your dad before he is gone” he asked.

I nodded and flowed him to his car sobbing he opened the door for me and I looked at the house and saw a dark shape slip in to it.

When we got there they had taken my dad to the hospital and when I came near the seen I saw Magnus was dead with a built through her head.

A minute after a man that looked like a medic came up to me and said “are you Mr. Cooper”.

“Yes” I said still looking at the pool of blood “Your father might make it” he answered “but don’t get your hopes up”.

I looked up at him and said “why didn’t the man how came to pick me up tell me that?” I was almost mad at him for telling me but then I thought it through and it made me happy to know that my dad might survive.

He looked at me almost offended and said ”the reason he didn’t tell you was because he didn’t know ether he was the first here and then he just drove off without telling anyone were he had gone too and he just recently came back with you” he finished and added “would you like to see your dad”.

I nodded and he started walking over to the hospital so I followed him and on the way he said “one reason he is still alive is because the hospital is just a little walk away”.

When we got up to the place where my father had been put and while we walked along we saw a person coming towered us with something on a trolley he was pushing in front of himself it had a piece of plastic to cover it and when he came up close I saw that it was my dad on the trolley and he was dead.

I stopped the trolley and pulled of the piece of plastic but the man said “Stop that now boy!” but he stopped as I said in a trembling voice “he’s my father” the man looked at the medic with me and he nodded.

The man turned abruptly and left me and the trolley and a minute later came back with another man and a bloody piece of paper in his hand he came up and handed me the paper and said “Mr. Cooper this is yours from your father”.

I looked down at the piece of paper but my eyes just went over it and they filled with tears at the thought of his father then I focused my eyes on it and read.

Son I am not going to make it. all of my land and houses are yours everything me and your mother owned I have a list of them in the base mint sell them if you wish you are the best of sons and pleas follow in my footsteps and become a Christian and come up to us I am going I can feel it good bye son.

Forever love your father and mother.

I didn’t move I just kept looking at the paper and sobbed then I heard a clatter and turned to see my Aunt come running up crying as she came when she got there she looked at me and the trolley and stepped up and hugged me.

Much later at about 1 o’clock I got back home and I was still sobbing and the street lamps were on so it was as bright as day and I saw a trail of blood going into the house I didn’t pay much attention to it and opened the door and for a moment I saw a wickedly grinning face and blood all over it and then it was gone and I heard some noise so I stepped in quickly and turned on the light to see a bone and a bunch of blood all over the place I after a minute or two of inspecting it decided that I could wait until morning until I did anything about it.

I was feeling so terrible that I almost wished I would die or that my life would change and that I would have the life of some other person because my life was terrible but sense I was so tired from staying up late I went almost strait to sleep it seemed only a second later and ­­ I woke up not a minute later, but instead of being in my house as I expected I was out in the middle of a place with green light coming through the tops of some giant trees far above although there was a small light spot on the grass.

So almost instantly I thought I was dreaming, I stood up but in doing this I smashed my head against a branch and the solid contact of my scull to the hard wood was an intense ray of pain going to my brain that made me sit down hard I gave a yelp of pain and my hand went to my head and I began feeling around and felt a large lump that had swelled out, but the branch had at least done something besides hitting me on the head it had pretty much told me that I was not in a dream and that it was real life I was in.

This time before I stood up I looked up and saw that it had been a large branch from a giant tree that I had hit my head against.

The tree had a large number of branches near the bottom.

But it looked like it had been sniped in half by some kind of sharp thing I was not sure but I could not see the other half, this made me hope that there were other people because if you find a peace of tree missing you could probably guess that people had taken it.

One reason I thought this was because at that time on earth it was a time when there was absolutely no wood that had not been used and besides what kind of animal would take such a huge hunk of wood.

I learned not to long afterward what animal did tack and wood like that.

After a moment I got up with a grown and walked to the huge trunk of the tree then I leaned against it because all at once almost every muscle in my body went stiff, but a minute later I had forgotten my stiffness and was looking in fascination at the huge tree the trunk it was so huge that it must have been a million years old I was thinking if I could cut it down I could see how many rings it had.

But my thoughts were abruptly ended as a bush about 25 yards away moved slightly a moment later and with my eyes fixed on it I bent down and picked up a stick to defend myself with although if I had thought even a little bit I would have known that a stick wouldn’t have done me any good against just about anything, then my though went back to the tree and an idea popped into my head.

I turned and ran behind the huge tree trunk and peered fearfully out from behind it and saw a giant figure was moving from behind it with something long glittering on it.


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11 Reviews


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Reviews: 11

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Fri May 10, 2013 12:33 am
Dakushau wrote a review...



Hello Jordin.

That cold day I came home later than I normally did. I walked slowly up the front porch stairs and knocked on the door “hello” I said slightly louder than I had intended it to be.

I received no answer from inside the house “I’m home” I yelled again and a minute later I decided that they had gone off on a walk with Magnus their German shepherd.

You need to add your punctuation! You also need to seperate the sentences so there not all jumbled into one huge paragraph long sentence. Also you keep changing from first-person to third-person.

You have a lot of spelling errors. I'm not even going to point them all out 'cause there all over the place. I would suggest you copy it into, or write it in, a word document so you can avoid the spelling errors.

Honestly I think this could use some work. From the cop coming to the house to you going home it didn't feel believeable to me. Also, he see's a blood trail going into the house and a bloody face and still goes in? Really?

I think everyone else who reviewed pointed out and suggested some good things and I suggest taking them into consideration.

Remember to never stop writing. The more you write the more practice you'll get, and the more practice you get the better your writing will be.

Keep Writing!
~Dakushau




jordin says...


OK thanks Dark.



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Fri Apr 05, 2013 11:02 pm
EatSleepRead1120 wrote a review...



Hi there! I'm here for a review! :)

First of all though, I didn't know you were 12! I'm so happy to know that there is someone else my age here! Yay for you! :)

Second, I agree with everyone below me.

I like the story very much. Very interesting! How dare you end with a cliffhanger... Just kidding. :) Good job!

Everyone below me already said everything I wanted to say... sorry this is a short review...

Anyways, keep writing please! You're a good writer, I promise!
~Renee




jordin says...


Thanks Renee.

There is something that I wanted to tell you about it is a order of knights called the knights of the green room there is only one more place for a knight so...



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41 Reviews


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Sun Mar 31, 2013 10:09 pm
Supermeggs12 says...



I'd suggest proofreading since you seem to have many errors. You also switch povs, which is a major writing no no. You as a writer show much potential. Just beware of run on sentences and things like that. I wish you well, and happy Easter!




jordin says...


Thanks and you to red Supermeggs12.



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Sun Mar 31, 2013 10:05 pm
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Craz wrote a review...



Cray cray here with reviews for the red team!

"I walked back and forth for a quite a bit of time thinking about my life and how almost everything in it had gone wrong at lest it seemed like it to me at that point and I thought of how my grandpa had died recently and how nothing seemed to happen."
- Okay, this is way too brief to just mention his grandpa's death and then move on. Its blindsiding the readers because that sounds like a very big deal, and your just completely ignoring it.

"After a bit I was getting more and more warred about his parents if they had gone for a while they would have told him but maybe it was a last minute thing."
- You can't do multiple persons. Your writing in first person, so you got to watch out for 'he, him, and her' 's.

“Would you like to go and say good bye to your dad before he is gone” he asked."
- Finish your sentences when someone is talking with a period, question mark, or a exclamation point.

"Much later at about 1 o’clock I got back home and I was still sobbing and the street lamps were on so it was as bright as day and I saw a trail of blood going into the house I didn’t pay much attention to it and opened the door and for a moment I saw a wickedly grinning face and blood all over it and then it was gone and I heard some noise so I stepped in quickly and turned on the light to see a bone and a bunch of blood all over the place I after a minute or two of inspecting it decided that I could wait until morning until I did anything about it."
- Not only is this a freakishly long run- on sentence, but it doesn't even make sense. Even if my parents were killed horribly, I would still freak out when I see a grinning face covered in blood and bloody BONES on the floor. I would even be MORE freaked out after my parents would have died, and not just go to bed.

There are so many spelling errors, I'm just going to skip the part where I point each error out. There are also only about four commas used in this whole chapter, and you seem to have a horrible habit of trying to stuff all of this information in one sentence. I'm not 'feeling' the pain this guy is in at all, because your writing in a factual diction, and not at all using the wordage you can here. EX: would be like similes, irony, metaphors, onomatopoeia's, and etc.
I think that the idea of this story is good and dramatic, but you write about stuff that doesn't have any relevance to the plot. You used about a good nine paragraphs writing about a tree and why its branches were clipped. In the beginning you stated what he was doing around the house and that he walked around aimlessly. If you wanted to write about these things, then you should fill the spaces with his thoughts.

Okay, now I'm done chewing your story out. :P




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Sun Mar 31, 2013 1:42 am
LadyPurple wrote a review...



Hi! I'm LP here for your reviewing needs!
That cold day I came home later than I normally did I walked slowly up the front porch stars and knocked on the door “hello” he said slightly louder than he had intended it to be.
We'll talk about this part. With new dialogue you should start a new line. Like so:
That cold day I came home later than I normally did I walked slowly up the front porch stars and knocked on the door
“hello” he said slightly louder than he had intended it to be.
Another thing, you didn't capitalize 'hello'! Nor did you use punctuation. In this case you would use a comma because of the fact that what follows this dialogue is "he said". Let me give an example:
"Hello," he said.
You can use a period if you want. But it'd look this way:
"Hello." His voice was awfully loud.
probably tell me to get it of when she got
'Off'. Get it off .
I think ShadowVyper down there has some good stuff in there that I won't repeat.
Keep writing!
~LP




jordin says...


OK thanks LadyPurple.

But how should I re write it?

I am sorry about the punctuation.



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Sun Mar 31, 2013 12:13 am
Shady wrote a review...



Hey Jordin!

Fellow Green Teamer! :D

Your friendly captain here with a review for you this fine evening.

That cold day I came home later than I normally did. I walked slowly up the front porch stars and knocked on the door “hello” he said slightly louder than he had intended it to be.
~ Dude, you need punctuation. Also, who is 'he'? You've got to pick whether you're writing in first or third person.

I received no answer from inside the house “I’m home” [/b]he[/b] yelled again and a minute later he decided that they had gone off on a walk with Magnus their German shepherd.
~ Seriously. Pick. Also, note spelling change.

Alright, rather than a line-by-line, as is my typical forte, I'll just give general feedback.

1) Your spelling is atrocious. I spotted well over a dozen mistakes. Run your work through a word processor before you submit it.

2) You need punctuation. Your thoughts flow together, making it hard to keep everything straight. Punctuate.

3) Find a more concrete idea. Even reaching the end of your story, I felt no attachment to your main character, nor did I find the interaction between the cop and your MC believable.

I recommend starting with action. My suggestion? Start with your MC running away from the hospital, and then run into the giant. The action will get people hooked-- and if you state he's running from the hospital, but not that his parents died, people will want to know why he was at the hospital. The bit about him being home wasn't interesting or engaging-- nix the meatloaf, add the mystery of leaving a hospital. Reveal him becoming an orphan in a later chapter.

Hope this helps!

~Shady 8)




jordin says...


Hmm Yeah sorry its not very good like almost every thing I have tried to write. :(



Dakushau says...


Don't tell yourself that. Writing, like everything else, takes practice. You'll only get better the more you practice, the more you try. When I look at some of the things I wrote last year I can tell I'm doing a whole lot better now, and I'm still learning. I think you can learn alot from reading books and observing how other writers write.



Shady says...


Hey jordin. I'd completely forgotten about this review, and just re-read it. I was a bit too harsh. I was in a bad mood, and was a more scathing than I meant to be. I didn't mean to discourage you. You've definitely got potential, which I intended to note, and forgot. >.>

You can totally be an awesome writer. You just need to clean your piece up a bit-- and all of the points I made were valid, if a bit...mean.

I hope you didn't take this personally. I really am an impassive reviewer-- I judge the piece, not the writer, and /everyone/ turns out so-so pieces every now and then. It just takes time and practice. You'll get it. c:




Do just once what others say you can't do, and you will never pay attention to their limitations again.
— James R. Cook