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When skies ignite in beauty

by arianaSarroyo


Deep into the cloudless night
 
There comes a luminous kingdom,
 
Defined by fluorescent magic
 
Stars begin to expand
 
Skies ignite in beauty
 
And everlasting light

All that is blighted illuminates 
 
When the heavens come alive
 
With nature's brilliance
 
 
 


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Sun Mar 24, 2013 4:28 pm
dogs wrote a review...



Hello there Ariana! Dogs here with your review today :). Well this is a lovely poem you got here, I like the idea of it and it really leaves a lot of room for creativity with the topic you choose. I think this is an excellent stepping stone for a wonderful piece, but it's just missing some pieces right now.

Things seem to go a little astray when you say "stars begin to expand" because you just brought up the "florescent kingdom," I would much rather see you explore the visual aspect of this kingdom. That's the one piece that you're really missing here, you need to push the visuals to such a point that the reader really feels like he or she is immersed in your poem. So, an easy and effective way to drag the reader into your poem is to add in the five senses. Touch, taste, smell, hearing, and vision. Describe what the kingdom looks like, maybe add in a bit about its smell and is their noise come out of it? Is there a chorus of celestial angels teeming out of the halls? Push that idea a little more, really describe the kingdom and pain a picture in the readers head.

After you've set up what the kingdom looks like, than add in the bit about the stars, how the kingdom makes the stars expand and "ignite in beauty." Explore that realm a little bit of what it looks like and how the light really illuminates the horrors of the world.

The last piece that your missing here is that you say that the light illuminates the horrors of the world, but what else does it do? Does it just illuminate and expose it, or does it destroy those horrors? What is the purpose of this amazing kingdom? Answers these questions and you'll be on the right track. All and all a good starting point, but needs a little more fleshing out. Let me know if you ever need a review. Keep up the good work!

TuckEr EllsworTh :smt032




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Sun Mar 24, 2013 11:13 am
AUnicornNamedJay wrote a review...



HELLO, my name is JAY! :D
I Love this poem! :D I think that it was beautifully written because it was short and precise and you got really to the point of it! :D Lol. The amount of description is just enough to give the reader (That's me. :D) enough detail about what is going on and what you are trying to tell me. I loved it thought it was good, and thanks for allowing me to read this! :)

kk BYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! :D

-Jay.xx.




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Sun Mar 24, 2013 10:44 am
guineapiggirl wrote a review...



HI, guineapiggirl here to review!
YOu've used soem really nice words to describe the northern lights in this poem and you've painted quite a nice picture.
HOwever, there's nothing really to this poem apart from a wishy-washy description. It fails to grab or even reach after with weakly grasping fingers my interest, if you see what I mean. It is a bit boring. There's no insight in it, all you are saying is that the sky is pretty and you're basically just telling us what a picture of the northern lights could.
My other issue with this poem is that you ahve absolutely no grammar at the end of your lines. I'd show you how it should be grammared but it's unclear because it's all just separate lines with no connectives between them. Basically, poems should grammatically be just like prose so that if it was all in a block paragraph it would be grammatically correct. Message me if you've any questions aobut that.
In conclusion, work on the grammar of this poem and also work on adding more interest and insight to it, because the description of what it looks like is boring at the moment and not enough.




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Sun Mar 24, 2013 8:59 am
Animal wrote a review...



Animal is here to save the world review...

Should we begin?

I like how you have wrote such a broad theme in such a small poem. I love fantasy and this is just the thing I love.

I want you to write rhyming poems as it adds beauty. That's my personal opinion...

Also, some punctuation will not hurt.

No spelling mistakes. Checked
When I review other people work. I quote a para that needs improvement or that is very good. But here is a different case. There is none that requires improvement and none that I like because I like each line.

But I will, though-

With nature's brilliance

This was a great ending. I didn't want to quote it because I love each and every line. Quoting a single line would be discrimination. :D

-Ani




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Sun Mar 24, 2013 8:49 am
CandidDreamer says...



I love poems that paint a beautiful picture. I also love beautiful things, and that is what I see when I read this.




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Sun Mar 24, 2013 7:21 am
Hannah wrote a review...



Hmm. I'm not sure I can see where you were trying to go with this poem. We suddenly can see stars? It seems very very shallow. What did you want me to walk away from this reading with? Why did you write it yourself? What inspired you? When you were thinking about what inspired this poem, did you think, "wow, what florescent magic?"

I guess the biggest problems with this poem, for me, are the lack of depth, and the lack of precision in words. You try to use these bigger, seemingly lush words, but when you don't use them in a place that gives them their full advantage, they come off sounding silly and unnecessary. A luminous kingdom? What would be different if you wrote "a kingdom in light"? There we are, still seeing a lit-up kingdom, without the weirdness of the big "luminous" working in all the wrong ways.

Now, that's not to say it's all trash. I like the idea that everything

blighted


illuminates, not just everything, because that gives a specific image of broken and hurt and bad things rather than just the world all lit up. That's a specificity that brings a kind of spice and character to this poem, and I think in future edits, you should consider this a strong point.

PM me if you have any questions or comments about your poem, please.
Good luck and keep writing! I hope I helped some~





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