Come with me

This is the best among all your poems
It's beautiful and i like it that u wrote about nature
I like 4th stanza it beautiful.
your idea of lucid dreaming in the last
stanza is brilliant.
The poem sounds more like a dream.

Hey there arianaSarroyo,

I'm going to start this by saying that I really liked this, it was cute, and you could tell what it was trying to express.

That and I loved the verse: On the wings of elation
We'll turn this dream into reality
Make it ours, just for you and me

Your wording was good, as well as the flow of everything together.

There was just two things, that are really small that you should fix.

The first one is a typo, and I just felt that you would like to fix it.
The line: Turn this dream into a new reality
Has a double space as you can see, and if it were me, I would have liked it if someone told me so I could fix it.

The second thing is that while I was singing this, to see how it sounded, I felt that the line: We'll turn this dream into reality
would flow just a tad bit better if it was broken up into two lines.

It would make the verse look like this:
On the wings of elation
We'll turn this dream
Into reality
Make it ours, just for you and me

You obviously don't need to change anything. Most of what I said is just what I would have done.

Thanks for sharing this pretty song.

-LifeUnknown

Hi there!

I just stopped by to tell you that I really like your lyrics. It's short, sweet, and to the point. It's almost written like a poem, which I like. All lyrics are are poems anyway, right? The words you chose to use are perfect in my opinion. I also really like the idea you are trying to get across. It's sweet.

Won't you come with me now
While you're deep in sleep
Together we'll see how to
Turn this dream into a new reality

On the whole I can say that I see a nice flow broken every now and then by the wrong words. On to the review now :

NITPICKS:

Come with me
And you will see
We can sail for the stars
And shoot for the trees

We'll soar through the skies
Then swim like fish in the sea
Reach the sun and the clouds
Just effortlessly

On the wings of elation
We'll turn this dream into reality
Make it ours, just for you and me

We'll dance in the rain and whiz[strikeout]z[/strikeout] through space,
Walk on the moon and reach the sun
Then make it to heaven to hear the angels sing
Arms interlocked, we can face anything

Won't you come with me now
While you're deep in sleep
Together we'll see how to
Turn this dream into a new reality

"We'll turn this dream into reality "

Together we'll see how to
Turn this dream into a new reality

Hey Riana!

Shady here with a review for you this fine evening.

I like this. It's a good, hopeful, carefree poem, and I like the morale behind it-- very light hearted, and a good read.

My only complaint is...

We'll dance in the rain and whizz through space,
Walk on the moon and reach the sun

Hey there! It's nice to meet a lucid dreamer (if you are of course) on this site. However, I like your poem so much because it's all familiar to me. Feeling love inside a lucid dream can cause a dream collapse but it's one of the best feelings ever.

"We'll dance in the rain and whizz through space,
Walk on the moon and reach the sun
Then make it to heaven to hear the angels sing
Arms interlocked, we can face anything "

This is one of my favorite stanzas in your poem. I like the way how you invite another dreamer to take a journey with you, when you reach the astral state of consciousness it is POSSIBLE to do that. I'm sorry if this review isn't really about poem (if you feel that way) but I just have to say it's amazing piece of art and I hope I'll read more from you. Be not afraid to send a message or something. Keep writing!

Howdy Ariana! Dogs here with your review today. Well this is yet another lovely piece you have, the rhyming scheme really works for the theme of your writing here because it gives your piece a little more skippy and happier edge. However, what this review is going to focus on is how to get your lines smoother for the rhyme, just to have it concise and flow smoothly. Let's dive in now shall we?

"And shoot for the trees"

The biggest red flag you'll encounter in writing is when you start repeating phrases and simple words. It happens to everyone, but the repetition of "for the" in this line and the one before hurts the flow of your writing a little bit. I'd suggest saying: "and shoot to the trees" instead. Or say "sail to the stars" instead if you'd rather. Whatever works best for you.

"Then swim like fish in the sea"

Here I would suggest trying to cut out as many words as possible, so perhaps say something more like: "Swimming like fish in the sea."

Now in that second stanza I'm not sure how much I like that you changed the rhyming scheme so quickly. I think that it might have worked better if you chose to do a stronger rhyme other than "clouds" and "skies." I would suggest in your writing, explore one writing style in terms of rhyming, and than maybe once or twice throw in a different rhyming scheme, but for the most part keep it the same the entire time. Also, you need to make that last line longer if you want it to flow smoothly. Especially in rhyming poetry it's essential to have the lines relatively shortish, and all about the same length.

Now that third stanza is quite odd because you switched to three lines instead of four, perhaps add in a rhyme with "elation" and a whole nother line just to make it run a little smoother.

Now the imagery in the fourth stanza is wonderful, but you run into trouble with how long each line is. Try omitting all useless words and say something like: "Let's dance in the rain, whiz through space." Also, on that same note "space" and "sun" don't rhyme at all and it really sounds odd. If this is suppose to be a free verse poem with random rhyming, try to make the rhyming less the focus and than throw it in occasionally when you want a point to make a focus, because rhyming immediately sticks more in the readers head.

I like the ending, it's cute and effective. All and all a good piece but just needs some work on the rhyming stuff you got going. As always I love reading your writing, let me know if you ever need a review. Keep up the good work!

TuckEr EllsworTh

Thank you for your comment

Hello, I love this!
1) I LOVE stuff about lusid dreaming
2) This is just like the story I'm writing
It is really sweet and I love your choose of words!!! That's all... Keep writing