Young Writers Society

Hey, yo, Bloodink (I got used to you with that name, so it's stuck)! Strangelove here on this PokeReview Day and I have a review for you!
Nothing like child predators to lighten up a poem. I liked this poem. I thought that it was good and fluent. I always enjoy your poems because they are sweet. You keep it simple and fluent. No big words or rhyme schemes to get caught up on.
Good stuff, the majority of the poem. I found really no problems about this. Kept it short and simple one liners. Also, the curiosity of the four year old. They don't know that they are going to get touched in the no-no squares. I could feel the innocence of the narrator.

One thing that I felt weird of (or how ever you word it):

If you go with him, she said

You’ll end up in trouble

If you go with him, she said

Then you’ll be a couple

Hey there! Scarlet here, as you know It's review day.

Which means...time to review!

Nitpicks first.

- Now what bothered me the most about this Is the lack of punctuation. You can't just add a few commas and think everything's gonna be okay. No worries though, I'll help you.

I really want some ice cream

On this hot and sunny day

I really want some ice cream,

on this hot and sunny day.

I really want some ice cream

But the van man ran away

I really want some ice cream,

but the van man ran away.

If you go with him, she said

You’ll end up in trouble

If you go with him, she said

Then you’ll be a couple

Hey.
So,now ,its me doing a review for you.
Well,I must say,its quite a simplistic beauty in terms with the what you call is "Reality" .
The use of the refrain creates quite an impact.And why? You are no less a child yourself,when you go about narrating why you couldnt get an ice-cream.(Was quite cute,you know? )

What could have been better :If you could have brought in some more of an element of shock into the last stanza,to give the readers a mild shock.The use of words there,could have been better,I feel.

But in a nutshell,it was really entertaining reading this piece.Keep writing!

Hey! Great efforts you have put in here.
I can see a pattern that is

I really want some ice cream

On this hot and sunny day

I really want some ice cream

But the van man ran away

You use the same word for ending the sentence in every first and third line of each stanza and you rhyme the second and the last.
Quite creative, I must say.

The ending was sort of funny.
A bit more efforts and this piece be great!

PS- I liked this part
He’s picking up the children

From the school just down the street

He’s picking up the children

Quite keen on young meat


KEEP WRITING!