Asenath:Tears on the Sand Chapter 10

Timmy heeeere :3

I notice when reading this that you say they partied for three days. o.o I am assuming they slept during that time? heehee You mention the sun rising and they're sitting at their dais, but you don't ever mention them going to to the dais, so I dunno. I thought that a bit odd, and a bit funneh, too.

While this chapter doesn't go about much, really - just the dinner and the party and the people there - it perhaps has the most emotion of any of them. And while that is a good thing, you also need to remember that emotion can be, well, emotional. I would actually tone down the emotion throughout this a bit, and insert more action, more dialogue - more of everything else, and tone down her emotions to a more containable level. Normally, I tell people that they're not showing enough emotion through their characters, and that they need to bring it out more... but with you and this chapter especially, I would say you need to tone it down a bit. Don't tone down the level of her feelings, or how she feels - that is perfect. But sometimes her emotions get to a point where it becomes annoying, just because there is so much of it floating around on a permanent basis. I do see the change in her as we go through this novel, though. When we started on this, she was seeking men to look at her as they did in the beginning, loving their attention and their adoration. Now she is the opposite, worrying that she was the cause of someone's horrid change for the worse - which, while being better than what she had been thinking the first time I saw Feneku, isn't entirely accurate.... Which is a good thing. She is now concerned about what she may have done to hurt people, and that is such an immense difference from how we began already. And to think the character change hasn't rubbed me the wrong way at all as I have gone through this. I have had no flags that she was changing too fast, that I even noticed the change - but it was there, slowly moving in that direction the entire time. Very nice. :3

His wife also went deathly white which soon morphed into bright red.

Comma after white

The whole thing with the Captain? I loved it. You didn't tell the reason why he acted so weird, and didn't let on any hints at all. Which is perfect. It successfully snagged my attention and keeps me wondering for the next chapters. And having an explanation right there would have been reaaally forced and a dumb place, too. So you did perfect in that part, and I am looking forward to an explanation in the following chapters. Yes, he has a story to tell. :3

And then we get to the ending part with Feneku, and where she rushes into the garden. While I liked the part in the garden, I didn't like it. How that works, I have no idea. But the amount of internal dialogue seemed rather excessive, and almost cheating. heehee Because whenever there is an emotional part where we need to see inside the character, you always give us the direct way - which only sometimes works. In first person, it would work every single time perfectly (if you're doing a second draft, you could experiment with first person), but with third person, doing it as often and as much as you do (like those full blocks of paragraph) doesn't work very well. I think you could tweak that and take out quite a bit of that internal dialogue, and make it more indirect. And, more action during those parts. Wipe a tear away. Walk around the garden. Smell a flower. Something, anything, mixes those parts up and gives us something other than just her thoughts.

His eyebrows furrowed. “Alright. But you have a story to tell me later.”

Something tells me he isn't the sort of person to just forget this kind of stuff. ^.^ He is going to put the two-and-two together and connect the dots, putting her present mood as a direct result of meeting Feneku. And he is going to want an explanation.

That's all from me on this chapter. Onto the next. Ten four
~Darth Timmyjake

Hi! Cricket here for a review!

Well from this chapter, we now see that they both know that they have something to tell each other. For Zaphenath-paneah it will be easy. He seems like the kind of guy that wants to have a peaceful relationship with his wife, but also wants to make sure she does what is right. Sounds like a good husband actually.


But she on the other hand, was welcoming his attentions at first, but has now gone back to her old ways of being generally unloving. When the chapter first started she had seemed a tiny bit cold, in her general way of speaking, but later on she warmed up! She was acting happy, and I liked the happy Ansenath... She was sweet, laughing, and seemed like a fun person to be around. Well, she switched that around quick. Now she's the spoiled rotten brat again.

One thing I would caution you about, is to make sure you don't have her get these inclinations to be constantly changing moods. She is heartless one moment, and then the next she's the sweetest thing! And then the same thing happens, next go around! I'd suggest cutting one or two of those out and just try and expand a little further on one or two mood changes. Well not exactly mood changes, but rather you could call them, sudden changes of heart. Either way, she's just going back and forth, and she just can't seem to make up her mind, on what she's going to be like. xD

but he was so courteous and well liked that by the second day

Comma after "that"

the captain’s face turned pale. His wife also went deathly white which soon morphed into bright red. She gave Asenath a glare of deep anger, resentment, and guilt.

There is like a golden opportunity to add some in-depth description of the captain and his wife. Instead of just saying that they turned pale or white, try to go a little more into their facial features and expressions. Will help build up the scene and what is going on with Zaphenath-paneah and the captain as well.

The feast was a buzz of music and activity. On the morning of the third day, Zaphenath-paneah and Asenath sat at a table on top of the dais.

Well my only concern here, would be that the first sentence doesn't relate or add anything to the next two sentences. It says one thing, and then you go into something entirely different. What I'd suggest is you, taking that first sentence, make it an entirely new paragraph and expanding on it a bit, and then maybe expand on the last two sentences if you really wanted to.

Zaphenath-paneah looked at his cowering wife and then at the gruff man.

What I would have liked to see here, would be maybe her moving closer to her husband, rather than just cowering. Might enhance the drama in the scene, and also show Fulkan that she isn't his for the taking now and belongs to someone else. Or just something like that. Her sticking closer to her husband, might also make us feel that he really does have a reason for speaking up so abruptly to Fulkan.

He hugged Asenath, but she did not melt into his arms like before. She sat stiffly.

Alright, here is just an example of telling and not showing. You could have gone a little bit more in-depth with this and created a really vivid picture for us. Instead of saying "hugged" try and expand more on that and use some cool imagery. And "she sat stiffly" could have been changed to something along the lines of describing her entire body and the way it was. Like her arms hanging lifeless or maybe talk about the feel of her body was tightening. Just something so we get a good visual of it all.

OK! And I think that's done!

What I'm mainly curious about the captain, and also the confrontation that's going to be taking place between Asenath and her new husband. I know now that she knows that he doesn't believe in the Egyptian gods, and I'm rather curious to see how she takes that in, in the future.

I guess I'm just mainly concerned about the consistency of her character throughout. Try and make sure you don't have her switch back and forth, too often.

Keep writing!

~Cricket

Happy Review Day!

For three days, the wine flowed, and the marriage feast went on.

It would flow (no, not the wine, the sentence) better if you removed that second comma.

Asenath felt something welling up in her that she had not felt in years. Pure happiness. She looked at Zaphenath-paneah, this gracious and strong man, and smiled.

Awwwwww! <3
Ughh! Why did Fenuku have to come back? He ruined the romance!!! Oh well, it can't be helped... But the whole guard incident was interesting. I'm curious to see what that is about.
It seems like both husband and wife have a story to tell.
Great job!!! You are a splendid writer. Again, please excuse this very short review. I don't have much more to say since your writing is so flawless.

Sorry it took me awhile to get to this review. It has been a crazy busy weekend! So let's dive right in, shall we?

Later, during a rare moment of privacy, Asenath whispered to her husband, “What was all that with the captain of the guard?”

He took her hand and gently kissed her forehead. “I will tell you the story later. Don’t worry about it.”

So far from what I've read you haven't allowed him the chance to tell this story. I am curious what happened with the captain of the guard. Tell us the story!

Zaphenath-paneah looked at his cowering wife and then at the gruff man. “Don’t speak that way to my wife. How do you know her?”

This seemed like an uncharacteristic statement from Joseph. He seems like he could diffuse any tense situation without making it awkward. This response from him, I don't know, it rubbed me wrong. I wouldn't make him so confrontational but he isn't my character, so that is up to you.


One other thing that I noticed about this chapter is that there are only two parts that were remotely interesting. The uncomfortable scene with the captain of the guard and when they run into Fenuku. The rest seems unnecessary, although I love historical party scenes because it is a great moment to share with us how people used to celebrate. I am sure there are traditions that you could include so that this doesn't seem like just meaningless filler.

That being said, be careful you don't overwhelm us with too much details. Give us only enough so that we feel as if we are guests at the party as well. But not too much that we get bored and skip over big chunks of description to get back to the action. I continue to struggle with finding the right balance. It is tricky, so don't be discouraged.

I hope this has been helpful and if you need more assistance or have any questions, don't hesitate to pm me.

Hey! I haven't seen you around for a while!

Anyways, I didn't see any grammar errors... and my only nitpick is in the last line. I think the 'sure' is out of place in this story. Asenath has, for the most part, spoken and thought with a very formal tone, but here she resorts to teenage sarcasm. Maybe use 'of course' instead?

And... now for my biggest complaint. Rather than wording the majority of this chapter as though it was just a blurred memory, make the actions really happen, and put them closer together chronologically. Avoid the 'has'. It is your enemy for the time being, and implies less action. Instead of mentioning the frightened captain with "Only one strange occurrence had happened," lead directly into it, like it is happening right now, and like what you did with Fenuku.

As for story line, I'm still not sure where you're taking this. But I can't say anything because I'm just lollygagging with one of my current pieces too! It was nice to see a softer side of Asenath too, but I'm glad she's still her usual, bitter self.

Last comment: excellent use of poetic devices! This one especially:

He hugged Asenath, but she did not melt into his arms like before.

caught my eye. Beautiful verb choice there. I love it.

And now, my review is at its end, and I must bid you adieu!
I look forward to seeing the next installment! -Buggie.