This Existence is Our Livelihood

that dreaded selfhood (pre-napo):
a. You Are All You Have
b. Acclimating to Taste

accepting authenticity, audaciously:
i. Light Sensitivity
ii. Stage Fright
iii. A Tree Falls in the Forest
iv. Silence=Death
v.
vi.
vii.

a. pre-napo

You Are All You Have
Eventually the realization must overtake you:
This existence is all you have

& you, yourself
Must accept your role in it
This existence, your life
Being all you have to bear
Everything to your name &
All you have to lose
(Or to gain)

It is a transient occurrence
(See: this moment, see: this life,
See: you)
A brief blip on the timeline
In the grand scheme of humanity
It is momentary, you

Must look closer to observe
Your self & watch
The expanse spread in front of you
(See: a plane, see: endless potential,
See: chances, choices, a time
To come into yourself)

& out of the possibility
You must lean foward, place hands
On the timeline, seize hold
Of your fate, your self
Moldable, movable only to you
For only you are as you are,
& you are all you have

b. pre-napo

Acclimating to Taste
You fear becoming yourself: a person
With limited appeal
A taste that takes getting used to
& you always were a picky eater
Maybe that's why you can't stand it,
The taste of your self

i.

Light Sensitivity
The sun rises & so do you
(See: a natural thing, occurring daily)
& as it fills the sky, glowing brightly
You stretch and shrink and shield yourself
So as not to get in the eyes of others
This: is your existence

You, as a star, etched of dust
Breathe in beauty & exhale sun rays
Covering your mouth & nose as you do so
You don't want to shine any spotlights
You don't want the attention on you

Other beings, sculpted of the same stardust
Glimmer & burst & sparkle
& you see them capture attention, awe
But you watch as some are dimmed forcibly
For being too eye-catching, too radiant
(See: inevitability, varied light sensitivity)
So: you cover your own glittering skin
You want to see everyone happy
& you will darken yourself to maintain it
(See: inattention to one's own needs, self-destruction)

You forget stars were made to sparkle
Suns designed as bringers of light
You were not meant to dim, to deflect
Your direct light is fine to fall on others
Who may shield their own eyes
As your energy is best unhidden
(See: a sun begetting life)

ii.

Stage Fright
You cannot stand to stand in front anymore
(This is why you left the stage:
Those bright lights illuminating
Each freckle lit up in a singular spotlight
On your face reflecting back into the crowd)
Filling their eyes: it terrifies you

You do not want to be witnessed
(Though it pains you to be ignored)
You do not want your heartbeat echoing
Filling the space & reverberating
Back into your own ears, your eyes
Are closed from your reflection
& the sounds are too blaring
(Though your whispers can never be heard)

& one day something will happen
Showing you as a person, a being of noise & light
& you might run from it
(Or you might glow brighter, speak more clearly)
Leading others to your lively body
& your proud pulse, refusing to skip a beat

(For how can you live
If your light does not reach the retina
& fill eyes to make you appear)
Without it you would not be sighted
& that absense is a fate worse than death:
To be, & never be seen
To be, & never be heard

iii.

A Tree Falls in the Forest
You collapse in the dark
New driver: you keep forgetting to turn the headlights on
You keep hearing sounds on the window
& worry of eyes watching you past the glass
(Eyes are on the road, all but your own)

(& without the music your thoughts grow too firm
& without the windows down nothing feels real)
But simultaneity is too much for you
You worry it's too much for others around:
To hear the things that comfort you
To see the parts that make up your whole

If a tree falls in the forest
But won't let anyone hear it
Did it ever even fall?
Was it rooted there to begin with?
(Is existence so limited?
Are we so insubstantial?)

You push up like a seed:
Sprouting through the soil, ground cracking apart
At your stem & you want to force it
Back into place, each speck untouched
You would rather have never grown
Than ever have upset the dirt

(& your shame widens as your trunk thickens
Trying to shrink, you fear for your branches
Stretching toward sunlight:
You hate to block the view)
But plants never ask permission to grow
They don't pick a place & time to be
They keep bursting through soil &
Dropping seeds across pathways unapologetically:
& it is this that lets us breathe

(A tree falls in the forest
& it will echo forever:
A memory in the minds of those who saw it
Even though its attempted silence)

iv.

Silence=Death
Staying quiet would be murder
(See: a denial of your self)
& how could you do such a thing
Refusing yourself would be a rebuttal of others
& you know the desperation
How those like you need the hope
Like they need the blood in their veins: pumping
(See: a will, see: a life force
See: the only means to exist)

Your story, a mirror of others
How could you deny them the chance to see it
& to see themselves reflected in you

You used to dream of having such an expression
A looking-glass showing not just your face
But something other, something beautiful
(See: a dream of selfhood more profound)
& through that mirror: a portal
Bringing understanding: if this manifestation of something
So similar to your self can be such a sight
Maybe you are worthy of existence too
(See: showing up, see: representation as reflection
See: a portrayal of those like you)

This blood is not a tainted thing
It is all that keeps us alive
(See: a necessary heartbeat)
Brokenness does not live within you
Neither does sin, nor an invisible reflection
You are not a void looking in the mirror:
You are an embodiment of light
& the core of hope that sustains you
& brings light to others, in their imagined fractures

With a sheet over the mirror &
Stitches in your mouth
(See: a scream in silence to prevent disturbance)
It would not be muffled protection
But an outright decimation of being

Your silence will not protect you
But your words & embodiment of existence
Will bring visibility to your presence
Will cause you to live: truly & exactly
(See: freedom, see: a rejection of extinction
See: an ability to be, see:
Life, beautiful life)

v.

Born to Live
When faced with this:
You must live, you must
You must go out & be, & shine
(Your light does not dim others
& it cannot overpower those already living & sure)

No more inhibitions
You have to reenter the beaming spotlights
Be illuminated & real & breathing
(You may be sick of standing on that stage
But it is worse to live only in shadow
As an unrealized presence, invisible
& something no one could truly know)
It is time to not only stand but
Step forward: step out
Into the world & let them see you
(You can not fear it any longer:
It is inevitable, more so than death
& even then you could not avoid it)

You need to tear the stitches from your mouth
Free your lips & speak your truth
Like it is the only thing you know
(& it is, & it is you
Unfiltered & pure, clean in undiluted essence
Despite what they may say)
You need to breathe in & out: you need
To exhale your reality without worry
For it is yours & it will not kill anyone
For you to respire
(Your occupation of space
Is not taking it from anyone else
& you were born with this possesion of presence
Already curled in your tiny fingers
As you were pushed into the light)
Hold on to it, hold on
& step into that light
You were born to inhabit