This Existence is Our Livelihood

that dreaded selfhood (pre-napo):
a. You Are All You Have
b. Acclimating to Taste

accepting authenticity, audaciously:
i. Light Sensitivity
ii. Stage Fright
iii. A Tree Falls in the Forest
iv.
v.
vi.
vii.

a. pre-napo

You Are All You Have
Eventually the realization must overtake you:
This existence is all you have

& you, yourself
Must accept your role in it
This existence, your life
Being all you have to bear
Everything to your name &
All you have to lose
(Or to gain)

It is a transient occurrence
(See: this moment, see: this life,
See: you)
A brief blip on the timeline
In the grand scheme of humanity
It is momentary, you

Must look closer to observe
Your self & watch
The expanse spread in front of you
(See: a plane, see: endless potential,
See: chances, choices, a time
To come into yourself)

& out of the possibility
You must lean foward, place hands
On the timeline, seize hold
Of your fate, your self
Moldable, movable only to you
For only you are as you are,
& you are all you have

b. pre-napo

Acclimating to Taste
You fear becoming yourself: a person
With limited appeal
A taste that takes getting used to
& you always were a picky eater
Maybe that's why you can't stand it,
The taste of your self

i.

Light Sensitivity
The sun rises & so do you
(See: a natural thing, occurring daily)
& as it fills the sky, glowing brightly
You stretch and shrink and shield yourself
So as not to get in the eyes of others
This: is your existence

You, as a star, etched of dust
Breathe in beauty & exhale sun rays
Covering your mouth & nose as you do so
You don't want to shine any spotlights
You don't want the attention on you

Other beings, sculpted of the same stardust
Glimmer & burst & sparkle
& you see them capture attention, awe
But you watch as some are dimmed forcibly
For being too eye-catching, too radiant
(See: inevitability, varied light sensitivity)
So: you cover your own glittering skin
You want to see everyone happy
& you will darken yourself to maintain it
(See: inattention to one's own needs, self-destruction)

You forget stars were made to sparkle
Suns designed as bringers of light
You were not meant to dim, to deflect
Your direct light is fine to fall on others
Who may shield their own eyes
As your energy is best unhidden
(See: a sun begetting life)

ii.

Stage Fright
You cannot stand to stand in front anymore
(This is why you left the stage:
Those bright lights illuminating
Each freckle lit up in a singular spotlight
On your face reflecting back into the crowd)
Filling their eyes: it terrifies you

You do not want to be witnessed
(Though it pains you to be ignored)
You do not want your heartbeat echoing
Filling the space & reverberating
Back into your own ears, your eyes
Are closed from your reflection
& the sounds are too blaring
(Though your whispers can never be heard)

& one day something will happen
Showing you as a person, a being of noise & light
& you might run from it
(Or you might glow brighter, speak more clearly)
Leading others to your lively body
& your proud pulse, refusing to skip a beat

(For how can you live
If your light does not reach the retina
& fill eyes to make you appear)
Without it you would not be sighted
& that absense is a fate worse than death:
To be, & never be seen
To be, & never be heard

iii.

A Tree Falls in the Forest
You collapse in the dark
New driver: you keep forgetting to turn the headlights on
You keep hearing sounds on the window
& worry of eyes watching you past the glass
(Eyes are on the road, all but your own)

(& without the music your thoughts grow too firm
& without the windows down nothing feels real)
But simultaneity is too much for you
You worry it's too much for others around:
To hear the things that comfort you
To see the parts that make up your whole

If a tree falls in the forest
But won't let anyone hear it
Did it ever even fall?
Was it rooted there to begin with?
(Is existence so limited?
Are we so insubstantial?)

You push up like a seed:
Sprouting through the soil, ground cracking apart
At your stem & you want to force it
Back into place, each speck untouched
You would rather have never grown
Than ever have upset the dirt

(& your shame widens as your trunk thickens
Trying to shrink, you fear for your branches
Stretching toward sunlight:
You hate to block the view)
But plants never ask permission to grow
They don't pick a place & time to be
They keep bursting through soil &
Dropping seeds across pathways unapologetically:
& it is this that lets us breathe

(A tree falls in the forest
& it will echo forever:
A memory in the minds of those who saw it
Even though its attempted silence)