Young Writers Society

I... well... what if I incorporate all the information from the prologue organically in the story? Cyrus's story is later explained anyway, so it shouldn't be that weird. And it would be a natural conversation during the birthday party for a Swan to explain that Sergius is away because of ~reasons~ and explain that a potential Conqueror was found. To which Solea is glad that she doesn't have to see Sergius, since she was once a potential Conqueror. So it would help explain Solea's backstory in a way that would help progress the real story!

The current first chapter is a little... inconsistent. When I first started writing the story, I wasn't exactly sure of the relationship between Solea and Alainna and so it doesn't really mesh in with the rest of the story. Also, Alainna is super annoying to the point where it is blatantly unfair to Alainna. Alainna *is* annoying at first, but yeeesh. She is cartoonish, honestly. The whole chapter needs to be rewritten!

As I wrote Book 4, it became clear that it might be nice to have some context of what Diamea's and the Lady's wedding is supposed to look like. Which would be nicely put as a lesson in Book 1 during school. I've written about half of the chapter so far... I want to finish it and incorporate it into the book.

This has irritated me... one of the things that I've struggled with is to find a focal conflict to concentrate on for query letters. So after doing much thinking, the conflict for Solea is: does she live with the expectations of her family and remain a dutiful daughter and thus embrace her duty as the Lady's handmaiden? Or would she take that leap of freedom and go off and have that romance as an independent person? (It's more complicated than that, but... that's essentially the gist.)

I want to make it clear that Solea, as the Lady's sister, is expected to take on roles to help the Lady to the point where, if the Lady calls her to do something, she is expected to drop everything and help her. There is literally a part of the prophecy that says that this is what the Lady's handmaiden is supposed to do if the Lady is to ever marry Diamea. Which is one of the reasons why Solea is so reluctantly accommodating toward Alainna and why nobody really stands up for her in this task. I also want to point out that Solea is a bit dismal about the future because of this... like, what does she have to look forward to if she has to give up everything to serve the Lady? She is very much unhappy in this role and she doesn't understand why Diamea would allow her to essentially be enslaved by her sister's petty tyranny. So I want to bring out this idea even more throughout the book.

The whole weird wife plot needs to be better integrated, because it's super confusing right now. Nor does Francine help in her explanation with it. A more natural time where Uclepidies can fess up is during the ride to the Temple, where he uncharacteristically bursts into tears.

One of the things that made me grumpy in the rereading was how... sanitized the Black Swans seemed to be. Like, people are afraid of them, but it isn't clear why they are so terrifying??? Like, you get a general gist, but you never really see it. So like. I want it to be more clear.

Most of the chapters are pretty long and unwieldy. I would like to break them up into smaller bits that make a little more sense. So like... for example, instead of having chapter 2 sprawl over Sergius's new arrival to the school and Uclepidies's gift, I think it would make sense to break the chapter up into two chapters which deal with each things separately.

...I've had several beta readers complain about shorter chapters??? They can't imagine the chapters being split up! But shorter chapters are more marketable I think, and easier for me to organize, and honestly I think more people would be inclined to read them if they were a little more manageable.

One of the frustrations of Book 4 is that my writing has become super clean and tight, but it's stiiiiiiill long (lots of things happen). Anyway. Book 1 can probably have like... 10k trimmed from it and still be pretty good. (Though, since I am adding stuff, it'll realistically be more like 5k, lol.)

Uh... I have ideas for additional scenes!
> The setting between the first meeting with Alainna and Solea is during Frenzy.

> Alainna wants Solea to help her write the first letter to Cyrus, but when Solea hears what Alainna wants to write, she refuses to help.

> Fake wedding.

> Solea tries to arrange a meeting with Archondid sometime?

> Sergius asks Uclepidies for his guidance with the three paths.

So excited for this awesome project!!!!

Just wanted to stop in and say I’ve been peeking at your Snoink’s Swans club and now that I see you’re doing Camp NaNo about it, I’m even more excited for this project <33

I'm not sure if I like what I wrote... at least, there's no noteworthy passage that I feel like quoting because it's so awesome, which is alarming to me. Like, I recently reread my nano "The Golden Mermaid" and there were soooo many passages I would love to quote, but for this? Mehhhh. I think it's better overall, but I am not sure if I love it.

Also, the perceptions of the characters are a little different. Alainna is... meaner? But not so ditsy. It's a bit odd. A quote...

But before Solea could even dip her quill into ink, she heard a key turning into her door. A moment later, Alainna walked in.

[physical description of Alainna]

Solea stared at Alainna in disbelief. “How did you get a key?”

Alainna grinned. “From the servant. I told her that you accidentally locked me out and asked her for a key. Then, when she told me she couldn't do that, I reminded her that I was the Lady and, if she wanted to keep her job, she would do what I said.”

Solea grew bright red. “What an awful thing to say! Just because you're the Lady doesn't mean you get to do everything you want! And threatening her job? What a nasty thing to do!”

“Relax,” Alainna said, laughing. “She's not in any trouble! It's not as though you'll complain about her. And I won't complain. Her job is completely safe!”

Solea glared at her. “Well, you shouldn’t have done it anyway!”

“Whatever you say,” Alainna said, waving her hand dismissively. Then she took off the satchel which hung off her shoulder and plopped it on top of the papers that Solea had taken off. “Something to keep you busy,” she added when Solea stared at the satchel incredulously.

Solea narrowed her eyes at Alainna. “It better not be your homework that you want me to do.”

“It’s just the things that I didn’t have time to do,” Alainna promised, flopping on Solea’s bed. “There’s some embroidery, since I hate doing that. There are a couple of essays that seemed really boring. And, of course, all of Madam Burl’s ridiculous assignments. But I did all the etiquette homework.”

“That’s because there is no etiquette homework!” Solea snapped.

So like... Alainna is more deliberately cruel in this instead of ditsy, which tracks... the other version felt wrong because Alainna is not particularly ditsy, though she is demanding and forceful, haha. But also, oof. I know that there will be major character growth, but man. She starts off awfully. XD

I will say... Madam Burl is a greater antagonist in this version than the last version...

Once more, Solea picked up an assignment and stared at it. It was a language worksheet from Madam Burl, and even as she looked at it, she began to sweat. Though it was an easy enough assignment — Madam Burl had asked for several basic dialogues in the Swan language between a White Swan and a human. And yet, Solea knew that if she made even the simplest of errors, Madam Burl would mark down her assignment and give her no score. Already, she was nearly failing the class. She couldn’t afford to make any mistakes.

I get to incorporate this conflict into this chapter more... but yeah! An antagonist! Or, really, two antagonists because Alainna is not really very nice either, haha.

This is actually not a new idea... it was in one of the older versions that I never wrote down, lol. The idea was that Solea was failing the language class, much to her family's confusion, because of her teacher actively hating on her because she was a Black Swan's daughter. Then, when the new language teacher finally shows up, she sees him as a fresh start and kind of a savior, lol, since he boosts up her grade to where it should be and makes assignments that cannot be copied, thus Alainna has to do her own work, hahah. Anyway, we're bringing back that idea more... that way, when Madam Burl gets fired, Solea can have mixed feelings about that.

Also, Frenzy is a thing now... I still need to make these lines better since they suck but... so far, these are the first paragraphs

The door was locked.

Sighing in relief, Solea pulled back the curtains and checked the windows again. Also locked. Outside, darkness was coming fast. Frenzy would be soon. Most people would be hiding inside, paralyzed in terror, listening anxiously for the flutter of wings and glowing red eyes of the Black Swans, who searched for sinners to tear apart...

But not Solea! She had homework.

Also this...

At the mention of Frenzy, Solea glanced outside. She had forgotten to draw the curtains, though it didn’t matter. All she could see in the glass was the flicker of her candle, still on her desk. It was completely dark now and Solea could barely see Alainna glare back at her, even though Alainna was only several strides away. Still, even though it was dark outside, Solea felt uneasy. Once when she was a little girl, she had glanced outside, only to see a pair of unfamiliar glowing red eyes staring back at her. And, while she knew she had nothing to fear from the Black Swans – she had too much Swan blood in her for them to ever attack her — she couldn’t help but feel nervous.

Uh... good news for Alainna? She doesn't pretend to be boy crazy, haha. She is more of herself in every possible way.

“Besides, even if Diamea reborn somehow miraculously showed up to the party, it wouldn’t matter anyway,” Solea continued. “All the stories just say that once you both lay eyes on each other, you’ll both fall in love anyway, no matter what, and then you’ll live happily ever after.”

“But don’t you think that’s strange?” Alainna said, frowning. “To fall in love at first sight? How would you even know if you could trust someone at first glance, let alone love them? It seems a little strange, don’t you think?”

Solea glared at her. “You’re supposed to be the Lady -- a goddess reborn! -- and the thing that you’re skeptical about is that you’ll fall in love at first sight?”

“But what if it happens at the party?” Alainna insisted. “What if, instead of merely having a birthday party, I end up having a wedding instead?”

“I'll start wedding planning, “ Solea said sarcastically.

Anyway, like I said, things are looking better, but they're not great yet. ^^

The Black Swan blinked at her with red eyes, and then gave her a deep bow. “May I come in?” the Black Swan said politely, and once more she marveled at how strange and metallic the voices of Black Swans were in their original forms. It made her hair stand on end.

“Who are you?” she asked.

“Archondid.”

“Archondid!” Solea suddenly cried. “You’re here?”

Archondid clicked his beak, as if he were amused. “I’ve had to do a lot of work around here as of late, and I figured I would stop by and bother my favorite goddaughter while I was here.”

“Oh!” Solea said. Then she looked closer at him. As a Black Swan with his neck curled normally, he only stood to her waist. “I didn’t recognize you as a Black Swan. It’s a bit unexpected! Usually when I see you, you look very human.”

Archondid bowed to her. “The Headmistress asked if I could show up as a Black Swan, since the girls would be less likely to fall in love with me that way.”

“But what if you poison someone accidentally?” Solea said, suddenly feeling annoyed with the Headmistress. “Everyone knows that Black Swan feathers are poisonous! What if you accidentally brush against somebody and poison them? What then?”

Archondid laughed and his laughter sounded like clanging bells. “I wouldn’t worry about that if I were you! People usually give a wide berth to Black Swans, just in case. Besides, merely brushing against my feathers wouldn’t be enough to poison anyone. The barbs in my feathers would have to dig into you a bit before that happened.”

“Well, it’s still a ridiculous rule,” Solea said, scoffing. “You’re married! Doesn’t that mean that it would be impossible for anyone to fall in love with you?”

“It’s all right,” Archondid said diplomatically. “I don’t mind following her rules. Besides, they are not altogether without merit. I’m afraid that certain Black Swans have built up a reputation of seducing mortal women and then leaving them.”

Solea frowned. “Like Uclepidies?”

Archondid shook his head. “Oh no, not him! He was faithful to your mother. Besides, he’s too broken to seduce most women. Frankly, we were surprised to find out that you were his. For the longest time, Eurodities and I thought you were Theron’s daughter.” Then he motioned his beak toward the door and bowed to her. “May I come in?”

“Of course!” Solea said, suddenly aware of her rudeness, and gestured him to come in.

The Black Swan blinked at Solea with red eyes and then nodded to her politely. “May I come in?” the Black Swan said politely, and once more Solea marveled at how strange and metallic the voices of Black Swans were in their original forms. It made her hair stand on end.

Solea stared at the Black Swan nervously. Vaguely, she had the impression that the Black Swan knew her from somewhere else, though she couldn't recognize where. Praying madly that he didn't know from the birthday party, she asked, “Please, may I have your name, my lord?”

The Black Swan suddenly laughed. “Why, don't you recognize me? I'm Archondid!”

“Archondid!” Solea suddenly cried. “You’re here?” Then she laughed and launched herself at Archondid— only to be pricked by the poisonous barbs in his feathers. She yelped and backed away.

“Careful now!” Archondid said cheerfully, fluffing up his feathers so that his downy feathers stuck out. “You won't be poisoned like the other girls, but I wouldn't want to hurt my favorite goddaughter!”

Solea made a face. “I'm your only goddaughter!”

Archondid nodded his head to her. “All the more reason to take care of you!”

Solea scowled and rubbed her arms. “Why are you a Black Swan anyway? Normally when I see you, you’re a human. I didn't recognize you at all!”

“The headmistress said I could only come in if I were in my Black Swan form,” Archondid replied diplomatically. “Apparently, she was afraid that I might seduce her students otherwise.”

Solea scowled more. “Why, that's ridiculous! What if you accidentally poison someone with your featehrs? Besides, why should anyone fall in love with you? You're a Black Swan?”

Even as Solea said the words, she regretted them. Her mother had been one of the women who had fallen in love with a Black Swan. Otherwise, she would not exist. Inwardly, she cringed, expecting to be rebuked.

But Archondid only watched her gently. “There are many Black Swans who have fallen in love with humans. After all, most Black Swans were once human too! And there are a surprising number of people who have fallen in love with Black Swans. Otherwise, how could there be so many Indeterminates?”

Solea scowled. “My father was born a Swan and yet he fell in love with a human nevertheless.”

“And for that, I am eternally grateful,” Archondid said, laughing, nuzzling her hand with his beak. “We Swans can't have children together, so you are the closest that Eurodities and I will ever have to having a child of our own.”

Somehow, the thought of Archondid never having any children made her sad. “I might be the last one on my line,” she blurted out, blushing. “With me being the Lady’s handmaid, I doubt Alainna will ever let me be free to marry! Not that anyone would want to marry me anyway,” she added, growing redder. “Not with me being a Black Swan's daughter!”

“Don't be too sure about that,” Archondid said gently. “There are many men who wouldn't mind marrying into a Swan family and having sons and daughters who are great grandchildren of Diamea’s. Besides, most of the Lady’s handmaids throughout history have eventually married and had children of their own. Why, I heard the last Lady’s handmaid just celebrated the birth of her seventh grandchild just a month ago.”

Solea suddenly frowned. “The last handmaid is still alive?” Then, hating herself for her question, she asked, “What happened to the last Lady?”

“She was reborn into Alainna, of course,” Archondid replied evenly.

Solea narrowed her eyes. “But what happened to the Lady before?” When Archondid ruffled his feathers, she added, “When you told me about the legend of the Lady being reborn, you made it sound like something that had happened a long time ago. Not something that happened only recently!"

Archondid clicked his beak impatiently. “Never mind that. It doesn't matter now. Won't you invite me in? I have something for you and Alainna.”

Solea brightened up. “The letter?”

Archondid ruffled his feathers and brought out a large envelope with Alainna’s name on it hidden deep in his downy feathers on his back. “He said it was for Alainna, but since he thought it might be a joint effort between the both of you that we should all read it together.”

Solea laughed and stood away from the door so Archondid could come in.

Alainna glared at him. “The next question: who are you?”

Cyrus blinked. “I beg your pardon?”

“You are young, only a couple of years older than I am,” Alainna said firmly. “Yet, you have an in-depth knowledge of the Swan’s language, their traditions, their manners, their history, their stories, and their songs. You were able to learn our language, to the point of being able to translate it, in only five weeks.”

Cyrus blushed. “I knew a little of your language before I came here,” he admitted. “I was not as fluent as I am now, but it is not an uncommon language, even from where I am from.”

“Stop interrupting!” Alainna snapped. “I’m not finished yet!"