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we'll see how this goes



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Wed Apr 01, 2020 6:57 pm
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erilea says...



I've never done NaPoWriMo before because of lingering commitment issues, so this'll be a journey.
Was *wisegirl22*Artemis28*Lupa22*


i can do this all day.
  





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557 Reviews



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Wed Apr 01, 2020 7:56 pm
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erilea says...



4/1
Spoiler! :
invasive procedures
i had surgery when i was two.
it was for a blocked intestine. i don't remember anything,
but i can imagine. anesthesia tingling, feeling like how television static looks.
perfect, painless cuts, crimson against a round, pale toddler's belly.
metal prying apart flesh, digging for all the things that should stay buried.
you will have hundreds of friends in your lifetime, but you will never trust
anyone more than a surgeon.
sometimes i wonder if, with one slip of the fingers,
a small nick of a scalpel,
they could slice open your heart, send secrets spilling forth.
they probably know more about my insides, about me
than i would ever be comfortable with.
maybe that’s why i offer frozen smiles to classmates, acquaintances,
not grins but bared teeth. maybe
that’s why i hold people far away from me,
an arm's length from my chest and any scars that linger there.
i have felt open insides, have been peeled apart under blinding lights,
and i am still healing.
Was *wisegirl22*Artemis28*Lupa22*


i can do this all day.
  





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Gender: Female
Points: 2394
Reviews: 557
Fri Apr 03, 2020 9:57 pm
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erilea says...



4/2
Spoiler! :
snowglobe days
let me live in unshaken snowglobes,
where there is no air to lose and no love to miss.
let things stay still forever, let tears fall in slow motion.
i am tired of being tossed around
like clothes in a wash until i am wrung out
and left to hang. i know the world will never stop turning,
but i have wished on all the stars in the sky
for a day it does. so save me from movement,
pull me away, fold my shaking hand in yours,
and please, don't let go.
Was *wisegirl22*Artemis28*Lupa22*


i can do this all day.
  





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557 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 2394
Reviews: 557
Fri Apr 03, 2020 10:08 pm
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erilea says...



4/3
Spoiler! :
snowglobe days, continued
the thing about glass prisons is they see too much.
the whole world could be laughing and you wouldn’t even crack a smile
because you are afraid of shattering, of what could come spilling out.
you watch them because you are remembering what you missed
and they watch you because you are a pretty decoration.
you were afraid of trying to ride a wave on a different wavelength
than everyone else, parallel-lining their happiness,
and so you decided to take things in slow motion.
now, you watch things fall around you and try to stop yourself from crumbling.
it never works, but you can keep trying anyway.
these aren’t the snow globe days you asked for, but they’re the ones you get.
hold them carefully now--you can’t let go.
Was *wisegirl22*Artemis28*Lupa22*


i can do this all day.
  





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Points: 2394
Reviews: 557
Sun Apr 05, 2020 5:22 pm
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erilea says...



4/4
Spoiler! :
snowglobe days, rewritten
give me the snow globe days i know,
the last minutes before a new year,
the final night of a vacation,
time slowed down in glass, a thousand memories stacked between your hands.
they’re everything you look back on and smile,
the moments you hold tight like they’ll shatter. after all,
happiness is too fragile to forget, so you keep it around,
stack it on shelves. snow globes have no expiration date,
you could buy a hundred of them for a hundred different times
and you will stay the same in each one, forever golden,
a slice of infinity in a world that never stops turning.
please, give me snow globe days
and i promise i won’t let go.
Was *wisegirl22*Artemis28*Lupa22*


i can do this all day.
  





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557 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 2394
Reviews: 557
Mon Apr 06, 2020 1:27 pm
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erilea says...



4/5
Spoiler! :
Dog days of summer
July afternoon, and I am flying high.
I fist my hands in chains, anchors
That keep me from soaring away.
I think if I swung high enough, I could taste cerulean
Like ice cubes and watermelon warming in my mouth,
Like birds with nowhere to go, like clouds floating adrift.
The heat is bone-melting, and it chases me through the air.
If I concentrate, I can feel wax burning on wrists, ankles,
Feathers twirling in my wake. But I laugh.
There is no room for misgivings here, not enough silence
For screams to fill. July afternoon, and I leap into the sky.
When the heat catches up, I am already falling.
Was *wisegirl22*Artemis28*Lupa22*


i can do this all day.
  





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557 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 2394
Reviews: 557
Tue Apr 07, 2020 5:04 am
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erilea says...



4/6
This may be one of my least favorites, but it's late.
Spoiler! :
Lessons learned under the sky
I used to wait for shooting stars, squinting into blackness
And hoping they would appear. Sometimes, they would.
Each one worth a thousand fireflies, a taste of the world above,
The sky awakening for a brief moment before plunging into darkness.
I used to hope they would fall into my hands, and when they didn’t,
The earth felt tilted, my heart too small,
My hands too stained, better left hidden in the dark.
Sometimes, I thought I never deserved their glow.
I tried to climb the tallest trees and reach for the sky,
Clawing at pinpricks of light, trying to get a glimpse of everything I loved.
It was only then that the moon began to feel colder, dimmer,
The stars like crumbs of a meal, taunting me from where they hung.
So I stopped trying. I watched them glisten and drew constellations
And whispered my dreams to whichever ones would listen,
And when the shooting stars fell, I watched them go by.
It was okay then. I lay down on flat earth and let my heart beat,
My hands slowly lit by the rising sun.
Was *wisegirl22*Artemis28*Lupa22*


i can do this all day.
  





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557 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 2394
Reviews: 557
Wed Apr 08, 2020 4:23 am
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erilea says...



4/7
Spoiler! :
she loves me
she loves me.
and maybe i would even believe it
if you hadn't sat there crying crocodile tears
onto my blanket. you wear it like a second skin
and i hate that sorrys always fall from my mouth
faster than they ooze from yours.
she loves me not.
oh, it must be exhausting reading scripts all the time.
dramatic entrance, give a soliloquy
i don't want to hear, chew me up and spit
my name out like it burned your tongue, exit stage left.
she loves me.
i should know better than to be concerned at all,
honestly, you know how to play the game, play
with my emotions until they blur together.
at the end of the day, i can no longer tell what's real
and what's not, so maybe you cry too easily
or lie too well, and i don't know, i don't know--
she loves me not.
Was *wisegirl22*Artemis28*Lupa22*


i can do this all day.
  





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557 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 2394
Reviews: 557
Thu Apr 09, 2020 4:17 am
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erilea says...



4/8
Spoiler! :
Imbalance
We are ten feet apart, and I cannot reach you.
Instead, I spend my days thinking about all of the ways I miss you,
How we used to share breaths and stories in darkness.
I used to be sure we were molded from the same clay, but now
We are time-hardened, and you are granite hiding geodes,
Memories you protect because it’s easier than breaking open.
I think I am already broken. I slice my tongue on jagged pieces,
the stories I still whisper at night, but the moon can hardly answer back.
Words pile within me, bursting at the seams, and I can only swallow them down.
They go down bitter, like the medicine we drank and spat out together,
Except this time, I am not healing.
I am tired of falling apart while you press yourself together,
And there are cracks in your smile but you do it anyway.
Was *wisegirl22*Artemis28*Lupa22*


i can do this all day.
  





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Gender: Female
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Reviews: 557
Sat Apr 11, 2020 4:02 am
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erilea says...



4/9
Shoot I'm late
Spoiler! :
seesaw girl
seesaw girl, seesaw world,
tell me why you wake up smiling
and sleep on tear-stained pillowcases,
why you basked in compliments when you were younger
and can’t stand them now. they’re the same pretty words,
but now they sound like houses of cards stacked on tongues.
aren’t you tired of living on mood swings
and battles you fight within yourself,
on smiles and frowns tugged and pulled by puppeteer’s hands?
oh, seesaw girl, you are nothing but a child’s plaything,
no wonder you cannot stop yourself. you rise and fall
like the tide, but i see it in your eyes--
all you want is for the world to stand still.
Was *wisegirl22*Artemis28*Lupa22*


i can do this all day.
  





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Gender: Female
Points: 2394
Reviews: 557
Sat Apr 11, 2020 4:06 am
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erilea says...



4/10
Spoiler! :
puppeteer's hands
i woke up wooden today.
it is strange to feel your limbs become stiff, creaking
with every motion. it is stranger to know that you are someone else’s.
there are strings trailing from every crack and edge,
strings that twist around fingers that are not my own, strings
tug on the splitting seams of my smile.
i learned how to perform for an audience and crave the applause.
i am a dance with no control, a fraud without a choice,
and all i can do is obey, nod a head hanging
from foreign fingers. so maybe i cannot be trusted with myself
but a wooden heart does not trust anyone at all.
so maybe pinocchio wanted to become a real boy
but there’s a reason a real boy never wanted to become pinocchio.
Was *wisegirl22*Artemis28*Lupa22*


i can do this all day.
  





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557 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 2394
Reviews: 557
Sun Apr 12, 2020 1:37 am
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erilea says...



4/11
I actually posted on the day I was supposed to! Yay
Spoiler! :
kore
innocence
/ˈinəsəns/
noun
1. dried flowers pressed between pages, one breath away from decay. these aren’t rose-colored glasses, they’re amber but they’re pretty close. i let them fall, watch them shatter, tangled in explosions of wildflowers. i crush them beneath my heel.
2. a pale hand, outstretched. waiting. it is only a matter of time, and when his cold fingers intertwine with mine, scissors cut thread. he is a dream i was never allowed to remember, and the flowers look paper-thin in his hands.
3. pomegranate seeds seering into my tongue, shredding between my teeth. garnet juices trail from the corners of my smile and i let them sin. he told me life was made for death so aren’t goddesses made to fall? when our lips touch, i keep my eyes open and watch myself bleed.
Was *wisegirl22*Artemis28*Lupa22*


i can do this all day.
  





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557 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 2394
Reviews: 557
Tue Apr 14, 2020 3:52 am
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erilea says...



4/12
Late, again. It's a rough week already
Spoiler! :
Hiding places
Midnight, and I am pressed between closet walls,
Hands fisting around wire lifelines, drowning
In music. Drowning
Out voices that scrape through darkness,
Raining like knives upon flesh. Anger simmers downstairs,
Rising in waves like summer heat, wrapping choking fingers
Around my throat. I can only crouch tighter,
I cling to hems and sleeves, pull on stitches until they unravel.
I breathe in the scent of detergent, of being clean,
Of being able to look people in the eyes
And not let lies stain my bitter tongue.
My body aches for warmth, and if I squeeze my eyes shut
I can pretend my own arms around myself are enough.
(They aren’t. I can feel pieces slipping through my fingers,
Shattered glass, expired tears
Spilling out anyway.)
Was *wisegirl22*Artemis28*Lupa22*


i can do this all day.
  





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557 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 2394
Reviews: 557
Tue Apr 14, 2020 3:55 am
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erilea says...



4/13
Spoiler! :
Google told me I had cancer
Children are supposed to be the curious ones,
but “What if”s come so much easier than they did before.
Demons crawl in the back of my mind, on sleepless nights
while I turn these questions over and over and over
until they fall flat in empty air.
Questions are double-edged swords, the same way researching diseases
in a bathroom was meant to calm my nerves
but only agitated them instead. You can’t trust WebMD, God,
don’t you
know that, and I do.
But I am tired of questions.
They hiss in my ear, dangle apples within reach,
coil around my neck until my breaths come short.
Why don’t you do better, why didn’t you do anything, why are you like this,
and all the whys in the world couldn’t give me an answer.
So I stare at a screen until I convince myself of a lie.
I accept living with a disease I don’t have and force myself to breathe,
in and out, even if it feels like I don’t have much longer.
I sleep with crescent moons in palms and music to drown out thoughts
that snake their way back in the next morning.
Was *wisegirl22*Artemis28*Lupa22*


i can do this all day.
  





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557 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 2394
Reviews: 557
Wed Apr 15, 2020 5:30 am
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erilea says...



4/14
I think I've given up on writing these on the day they're supposed to be written. The dates are just for reference I guess.
Spoiler! :
abc
be careful. don't let it boil over.
my father leaves me with a pot of dumplings and chopsticks
and i wait. yesterday someone told me i wasn't Chinese enough.
it was difficult to stop the tears then, rising, crashing, but maybe
i should be used to it by now. all the cracks in my exterior widen
during lagging video calls with distant relatives who i can't understand
and who can't understand me. mom, how do you say not enough
in Chinese, and the translation spills from her ready tongue.
the pot is bubbling, and i stir the contents. i still do not know
how to crimp the edges of dumplings just right,
the way my parents do, but my classmates still wrinkle their noses
when i eat them at lunch. i eat as fast as possible.
ni hao, they say proudly, and i don't know how
to tell them that yesterday, someone laughed at my botched greeting,
my Americanized accent threaded through unfamiliar words.
still, i nod, chew. i'm confused too.
done, i tell my father, and he spoons the dumplings out on a plate.
aiya, you should have told me sooner, they're falling apart,
and apologies slip from my fractured tongue.
Was *wisegirl22*Artemis28*Lupa22*


i can do this all day.
  








"I wish we could all get along like we used to in middle school... I wish I could bake a cake filled with rainbows and smiles and everyone would eat and be happy..."
— Unnamed Girl from "Mean Girls"