"Things I Don't Like" by Death

This reminds me of the book 'The Book Thief'...did you get you inspiration from that? It's a really good book...anyway I loved this! Funny and brilliant! Oh, I've just realised the reviewer above has also mentioned 'The Book Thief'!

Damn! I really liked this. The first line literally got me hooked. It's just so absurd that one has to read on. Great job.
the list was pretty funny. Not laugh out loud, but a little chuckle here and there. So how was he exactly, Death?
Anyway, creative and entertaining to say the least. Good job and keep going!

This is a great piece! The way I picture Death is like Hades in Hercules (the Disney version...) how he talks so fast with an unintentional touch of humour. I loved it!

I just had a flash vision: a whole load of ' "Things I don't like" by......' Just like when there was the time alot of "Five reasons why...." got posted. You should take it as a compliment!

Nice work!!!

Haha!! Funny story dude! Laughed till my ass hurts. Short but great!
Well done..Looking forward to your next work!

Hey there Paul!

I read this way before it was featured and liked but never got around to replying.

I think what I loved the most was the fact that the MC's voice drastically different from Death's. I mean, considering how I read the short story (for those who haven't, you must!), I have becoming quite acquainted with this voice.

I first, I was bothered that it sounded nothing like Death, then realised it wasn't Death and the voice made more sense. I thought it was hilarious. You should definitely continue these whenever you get writer's block. Hell, why not write more short stories. I mean, the possibilities are infinite, yes?

Great read, great laugh, thank you!

Tanya

Brilliant. Especially 2. Great job!

This like Pratchett's DEATH meets the Book Thief. I had my doubts when I started reading (because of the quintillions of clichés I've seen that start with "today I met death"), but seriously that was an amazing piece.

This was amazing! Nothing bad to it
Actually, the only nitpick was that it went from #10 to #1 but I understand. It's the least worst to biggest worst. (If you understand)
AMAZINGGGGGG,
sionarama

THIS IS SO JOKES

A lovely take on personifying Death, a pleasure to read.
Good luck. I do hope that this review is helpful.

Opening:

“This morning, I met Death at the side of the road as I was collecting yesterday's mail.”

A great idea, hooks the reader nicely.
However, it could be even stronger. This could really grab reader’s attention even more if it simply started with, “Death.”

Some readers will see the words “this morning” and stop reading there. Many publishers do so as well.
If one simply re-worded the sentence around, it could hook readers with the idea that somebody is dying and this builds suspense. Thus, the readers want to know what will happen next and they will keep reading.

For example, one option is something like, “Death. I met him that morning at the side of the road.”

A one-word sentence, though grammatically incorrect, is acceptable for an opening hook because it grabs attention with its short form.

Also, the phrase “this morning” is in present tense (an action is happening at that moment), but the rest of the sentence is in past tense (something has happened, the most common tense for writing fiction).

If one jumps back and forth between these two tenses, the story’s flow can become stilted. The reader has trouble “getting into the story” but doesn’t quite know why.

Simply staying in one tense can avoid this sensation in readers. For example, “That morning, I met Death” works better with the past tense of the rest of that sentence.

“He strode toward me, his black cloak swaying in the morning breeze.”

A great image, but perhaps the cloak is “billowing” rather than swaying? A stiff object tends to sway, but cloth tends to ripple and billow in the wind.
It is slightly easier to imagine the cloak flowing rather than swaying.

"I shivered in fear, dropping the mail and scattering the wealth of unpaid bills and one-time offers to the careless wind.”

A great idea, but perhaps the phrase “in fear” could be dropped completely from the sentence. The readers can understand that he’s shivering not because he’s cold, but because he’s scared. The context conveys this idea and adding “in fear” does not add any meaning to the sentence that isn’t already there.

The phrase “careless wind” could also be dropped. It is established that he’s dropping the papers and they go flying without any wind to cause them to so so.

Perhaps also breaking this sentence into two parts could allow it to flow better. It is often easier on one’s eyes if the sentence lengths of a story are varied from long to short.
For example, “I shivered. The mail dropped from my hand, scattering a wealth of unpaid bills and one time offers.”

A sentence that is too long tends to overwhelm a reader. A long sentence followed by a short one tends to add more visual suspense to prose.


Plot:

An interesting plot, really funny and captivating.

However, the ending seems like it could have an extra impact to it.
The main character almost seems forgotten by the end, and the focus is on Death.

However, Death is not the protagonist and only shows up for a few moments.

More focus on the main character’s perspective could strengthen the ending even more.
For example, maybe he types it in and when he goes to post it, his power goes out and Death shows up saying that he changed his mind and has one hundred and two dislikes. Then changes his mind on the spot again, and the protagonist sighs.

There is also very little setting, physical details about the main character. I am assuming that he is male, but the gender is not even specified. Nor is the main character’s name.

More details about the five senses, the environment, and the character could direct more of the focus on the protagonist of the story.

Perhaps showing his reaction to the list could also shift more of the focus to him, maybe he even adds to the list some of his dislikes because death did ask him to put it in his name.


Structure:

The dialogue tended to flow naturally and realistic. However, there were several tags that followed the dialogue that could be even more realistic.

For example, a tag like “replied, stammered, shouted” is unneeded because the speech itself can show the reader whether or not a character shouted (an exclamation mark shows this) or stuttered (the w-words l-look like this).
Often, it is best to always follow dialogue with a movement/action done by the character speaking.

For example,

"Y-yeah," I stammered. "Yeah, I s-suppose, yeah."

This could instead become, “Y-yeah,” I stepped backwards. “Yeah, I s-suppose, yeah.”

His movement, stepping backwards, conveys fear. He would not try to back away from Death unless he felt nervous, afraid. This action adds a visual dimension to the speech. It adds more flow to the story and still shows who is saying what line.



This line causes some confusion as to why it needs to be in the story.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Simply putting the whole list/text in italics could suffice to explain a shift in the narrative to written text.
Otherwise, a symbol like this is to indicate a shift to another character’s perspective/a jump in time.
The shift is to written text, and does not qualify under either category.


Overall:
Lovely to read. Good luck!

Well, you have yourself a new follower.
Though I doubt I'm the first you've gathered with this fantastic piece.

Hello there! Let me start out by saying how much I love this! You have made the character of death, who is normally portrayed as a grumpy... well I'm not sure how to describe him now. Anyway you made death funny. The first sentence was awesome and it totally made me want to continue reading. And of course, death's list was hilarious. I loved number 4 and the one about Facebook (sorry I forgot what number it was) because it was so random compared to all the others. Well I guess I should stop rambling and hit the like button. Great work!
-Hope

i really liked it a lot, especially no.5, keep up the good work, I'd like to hear more!

I LOVE this.

It's so funny and I love the writing style. In my opion it could do with a better intoduction, but the one you have got isn't bad.

Awesome.
xxx

Wonderful! I loved the whole "And dont' tell me how they did it" two, that was just cute. Only thing i don't like is the Cat one -

Just becuase your a cat person Drakoe doesn't make the rest of the world one... Like me! I'm a dog person-
Mira, we've had this conversation, I know we have. This is My body, your just the annoying voice in my head. What you are doesn't matter
Bitc-
Mira! if you get me kicked off of here i swear to god i will start taking my pills!!
*pouts*
Now let me get back reveiwing! Go, I don't know, play with the plot bunnies or something.

>.<, sorry. Now then, I admire the last thing that death hated, it had a point and actually made me think. All over I loved it, wish there as more of it, but still, Bravo!