This morning, I met Death at the side of the road as I was collecting yesterday's mail. He strode toward me, his black cloak swaying in the morning breeze. I shivered in fear, dropping the mail and scattering the wealth of unpaid bills and one-time offers to the careless wind.
"Fear not," he said to me, his voice crisp and cool. "It is not yet your time to die. But I understand that you're a writer."
"Y-yeah," I stammered. "Yeah, I s-suppose, yeah."
"I find myself in need of your services. Do you have a large readership?"
"Well, not really. I mean my girlfriend reads my stuff, and I post most of my work online so people can review and critique my-"
"That'll do," said Death, pulling a piece of paper from under his cloak. "This is a list of the things I despise." He paused, as if in deep thought. "Well, maybe not despise, but I certainly don't like them. I want you to publish these, under your name, so that the whole world will know my grievances."
"Umm, okay," I said, taking the proffered slip of paper. "Do you want me to-"
But Death was already gone. I took the paper, ran to my house and immediately began copying Death's grammatically incorrect list of grievances.
All I can say is that everyone who reads this would do well to heed his words...
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Things I Don't Like, by Death
#10. People who die too early.
#9. People who die too late.
#8. People who don't die at all and won't tell me how they did it.
#7. People who somehow die more than once and won't tell me how they did it.
#6. People who die trying to get their cat out of a tree. (Note to those who could very well die trying to get their cat out of a tree: have you ever seen a cat skeleton in a tree? Trust me. I'm kind of an expert on the subject.)
#5. People who kill other people and then hide their bodies before I can collect the souls. This is not a scavenger hunt, people. I'm on a schedule.
#4. Teenage boys who die young, who have missed out on so many of the wonders and beauties of life, yet their only regret is that they never got laid.
#3. People who think I'm a Ringwraith and that they've somehow died and gone to Middle-Earth.
#2. Facebook
#1. People who ask me if they can go back and die more spectacularly. Approximately 150,000 people kick the bucket every day, and every one of them thinks that their death should be "special". Give me a break. The guy who died saving an orphanage from an onslaught of killer robots is just as dead as the guy who died pissing on an electric fence. People really need to get over dying and start worrying about life.
Keep Up The Great Work
