The Gates

stars whispered,
gates closed.
fear mounted,
as red sun rose.

a new day dawned,
a battle won.
people mourned,
for what had begun.

... I would post the next verse but its not finished yet..

~KayJuran~

Wow... I really like this. The flow is consistent, and your choice of words is exceptional. Only thing is, it's like a teaser! I read it, and wanted to keep on reading!

Great job!

Good thinking, Brian. That was really consistent and very thorough. Me want more!

Although I think you rushed it a bit. See if you can come up with a better version, you could do a tiny bit better that will make a lot of difference if you ever get that published.

I reall like it so far. Of course, it does end rather abruptly, but you are going to add more to it. The imagery involved needs a little more fleshing out, but what you got is great already. Brian is right, this story flows really well and it seems just to roll off your tongue.

I want to add a couple more verses but I've got to think about it more...
(it's meant to be the history of my story)

I'll post it again once I've got more!!!

I figured it did look like a history of a story. Add more when you are finished, it may turn out really good, KayJuran!

this is nice- very simple and clear, not overwritten or forced. reminds me a little of a haiku.

Yes, it is good, and does sound like a short history.

short--easy--but very meaningful.
*two thumbs up*

*five thumbs up* Love it! It flows really well.

Thanks! Still thinking about what to put next...

Okay, well, I've thought of the next verse so here's the updated version for you all.

stars whispered,
gates closed.
fear mounted,
as red sun rose.

a new day dawned,
a battle won.
people mourned,
for what had begun.

families parted,
tears have started.
best friends gone,
is this not wrong?

Hmmm... not too sure on the last line but I'll look at that later!

Interesting...not the kind of rhyme scheme I would personally have chosen, but it works. I like the first two verses OK but in the third you changed the rhyme scheme from a b a b to a a b b. Just swap around the order of the lines a little so that it goes "families parted,/best friends gone,/tears have started./is this not wrong?" and it fits right though. Makes better sense too. Looking forward to seeing where you're going with this - I'll save my reviewing for the finished product

Woops! I knew there was something wrong with it.. maybe I should have read it aloud then I would have noticed!

stars whispered,
gates closed.
fear mounted,
as red sun rose.

a new day dawned,
a battle won.
people mourned,
for what had begun.

families parted,
best friends gone.
tears have started,
is this not wrong?

LOVED IT!!!!!!!! it was very good! Keep it up!