Kill Her Swiftly Chapter 3 - I Am The Alpha

Chapter Three
Azrael
I am the Alpha...

Sunlight washed over my bedroom, hitting my closed eyelids as it did so. I shifted under the heavy sheets. I didn’t want to get up. Not yet.
“Master, it is time for you to awaken.” His voice wasn’t helping my already foul mood. If I just had a knife...
“Master—"
“Shut up!” I snapped, sitting up. I shot him a cold glare. “Can’t you see I’m trying to sleep?”
Demetrius Fairfax’s features didn’t change one bit.
I wondered if he liked being my personal servant. Probably not, since I treated him like crap every day.
I treated everybody like crap.
That’s why my name is Azrael.


I had come to the Ravenwood manor when I was twelve. I was sold by my own parents, who died soon after by ‘natural causes’. The man who owned me treated me like a play thing. I was beaten when I didn’t do something right. I was abused when he couldn’t get a girl in his bed. I was always his subordinate; something to just fill his boredom or sexual urges. I allowed this until Enoch Ravenwood found me.
Now people tremble at the sound of my name.
The breakfast table was quiet as usual. Me and the other orphan, Loki, sat patiently and waited for our breakfast to come. The other girl, Eira, never ate with us. She was always trapped in her room. Loki was the only one she ever talked to.
Enoch had thought that because Loki and I come from almost the same circumstances, we would connect. He was wrong.
I hated Loki with my every breath. I hated the way he treated every situation like it was nothing. I hated how he was such a genius with the knife and how his way of killing was so splendid. I hated his soft dark brown hair and those empty grey eyes...
He was a killer.
Why did everyone love him?
Breakfast finally came, personally delivered by the chef. He was plump old man with smelly breath and high perspiration. His food was exceptional, though.
Vincent, the chef, gave Loki his food first, as always, but this time tagged with a small vanilla cupcake. The cupcake has one blue flaming candle stuck in it for his birthday (I believed he was sixteen now). They always did that for our birthdays.
Loki put out the flame with his finger.
I opened the silver dome as soon as Vincent laid the plate in front of me. It was filled with sunny side up eggs, bacon, toast, and two sausages.
A classic English breakfast.
Only, I hated sunny side up eggs. Shouldn’t Vincent know that by now?
I kept my face totally serene as I tipped over the glass of orange juice they had poured for me.
“Vincent. Come and clean this up.” I commanded. The bloated chef, obviously realizing his mistake now, brought his fat shaky legs beside me. He took napkins and started to dab the liquid.
“About the eggs, sir...” He said too timidly. I looked down at him and took the glass.
And smashed it on his head.
“What do you take me for?” I asked him calmly. “A kid? Someone you can walk all over?”
“N-no sir.”
“When I told you I hated this kind of eggs, you’re supposed to remember.” I took a sausage and shoved it down his throat. He choked, his face turning red.
“I refuse to be taken lightly,” I continued, taking his left hand. I moved his middle and forefinger all the way back until I felt the bone snap.
Vincent screamed out in pain.
“I will not tolerate you foolishness any longer,” I said over his screams. I took a knife and jabbed it through his right ear, sending it in with every scream he let out. Blood started to spill.
“I hate your happy smiles and your jolly laughs,” I said and stood up on the chair.
“I hate your life stories about sailing; I hate your poultry filled stomach.” I imagined his head as a soccer ball and drew my leg back...
Only to be lifted into the air by a grey eyed boy.
“I think he’s had enough.” Loki said, letting me down to my feet. I stared up at him in anger.
“How dare you—"
“Be quiet, please. Your voice is irksome.” He glanced down at me. “And that wasn’t nice. Now who’s going to make my lunch with two broken fingers and a ruptured ear drum?” I was surprised.
Loki looked at the cupcake in his hand, taking out the candle and laying it on my head. I was really surprised.
He walked past me, towards the doors, but stopped a foot away and looked back at me.
“You could be cute,” He said. “And I could like you, if you weren’t so...” He glanced at Vincent. “Messy.”
I was blown away.
Loki licked the icing.
“You irritate me, Azrael Ravenwood. If I could, I would kill you right here, right now.”

Whoa... I can't believe Azrael actually did that! :O That's so... Wow.

But that shows what Azrael is really like. It's obvious those years of abuse must've hurt so much. I have to say, it seems really realistic for who they are. I like how you showed their character quite well. This scene was sort of like a comparison scene between the two. I can't wait to see more of Azrael!

I have a feeling that Loki and Azrael's relationship will change. Can't wait for that too.

I don't really have many improvements to suggest. Perhaps a little bit of description could do the trick, but then it might be too graphic!

Can't wait for more
Mac

I was a little confused because I thought the whole thing will be narrated by Loki but I see. Is this Azrael a little kid or just a little younger than Loki? Also..do they fear his name because of his menacing reputation. I'm very interested so far. Keep writing.

Quite an interesting story here. I haven't read the other chapters yet, but I'm sure to now. A good use of words, and a development in plot. The story is sharp and simple. The cliff-hanger at the end is a good one to get the reader to turn to the next chapter. I can't find anything that you could change, It's all very well good. Good work.

Ooh, interesting characters! I love them! They're both so radically different and at the same time they both seem to have that air of danger around them that makes them seem unpredicable, but in opposite ways.

I got a bit confused about what was set in what time. Loki turned sixteen, but how old is Azreal at that point? He acts like he's some kind of Lord but his relationship with Loki makes him seem to young, and at the same time he was a boy sold into that life, so what rights does he have to have a personal servant?

I think perhaps this is all very clear in your mind, but you have to explain things more for your reader. Take it a little slower and try not to skip from one point to the next too much. I think the style and characters are great! Just make it easier to follow.

I think I might now go explore your portfolio to read the other chapters

Yeah, it's still me... sick of me yet?

I. NITPICKS

The cupcake has one blue flaming candle stuck in it for his birthday (I believed he was sixteen now).

Wooow. Okay, so we skipped eight years, but where exactly did we skip them? At the beginning of this chapter?

II. OVERALL

Okay, obviously I don't have much to say by way of nitpicks. Azrael seems like a really interesting character, and I think it'll be really good to watch him and Loki interacting as the story goes on. One small point- what age is Azrael?

I feel the pace changes a little too quickly at the end, with the dialogue and the action. Your dialogue is actually much better than a lot I've read, but it does seem just that little bit stilted. What I want you to show me is why you choose this particular moment to start telling us from Azrael's point of view. It seems bizarre that this is the day he should lash out quite so brutally against the chef if the chef makes mistakes every day... is there some trigger? Also, if it's Loki's birthday, I thought there might be more attention given to him in the Ravenwood household than a cupcake at breakfast. Am I mistaken as to the nature of the place? It did seem awfully cold and lonely...

So, another good chapter, but the pace at the end could do with a little slowing down as the dialogue and action begins. It's short and succinct enough for you to be able to do that without the scene dragging for too long.

Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!

-Stella x