Anything Really: The Sequel? No! The Prologue!

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He looked at the sea, his eyes lifeless, and thought about his story. His story... it was too painful to tell. But he would tell it. He gulped in the air and began to speak.
Ubi caritas est vera, Deus ibi est.

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Absolutely beautiful, Snoink, and totally original.

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It was too painful to tell yet he would tell it anyways? Seriously? That just doesn't sound right. I don't like it >.<*rawr*. Anyways, I think you could say something like, it was too painful to speak so he just cried and draw the story in the sand? OR something that made it seem more abstract and not completely lifeless?

Other than that, I have no real problems.
Good luck, keep writing.

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Made me sob endlessly, I'm still crying now. I can't tell if it was pure beauty or the utter cliches.
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Epic Win right there. I love the title. Question: If his eyes are lifeless, how are they looking at the sea? :)


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Inspirational. I think my favorite part was this paragraph:
He looked at the sea, his eyes lifeless, and thought about his story. His story... it was too painful to tell. But he would tell it. He gulped in the air and began to speak.


It grabbed my interest from the get go, and held it. Truly remarkable.




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That was amazing, Snoink! I completly bawled my eyes out, it was just that good. The best piece I have ever read so far in months. Yet, I have a problem with this one part:

He gulped in the air


It just sounds funny XD That's what the problem is. I know, petty.

Do write on, Snoink. Very good :D

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Snoinkarina, I love how your character is so sad about his own story when he begins to talk we hear nothing. Poor guy. But it was very amazing, you should write more.

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Hey Snoink!

What a moving piece you have here! It reminds me of the time that I was staring out to sea when a big wave came and soaked my dress. Except that you wrote it in a more deep way with evocative wording. Now, to make this more lengthy consider adding more words to your piece! It'll make this last more, but in a wonderful way. :D

Hope this helps! :D

(Ahem. I got this review format off someone rather marvellous).
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Hi Snoink!

I'm Demeter! I'm going to be your reviewer today.


He looked at the sea


Which sea? The Pacific? The Indian Ocean? And who is he? You need to be more specific! Vaguely phrased is vaguely thought! Show us what goes through your mind - bland wordings like this won't take you far!


his eyes lifeless


Again, the vague "he". I thought you would have learnt the first time. The reader is craving to know if this is the first he or some whole new he!


and thought about his story. His story... it was too painful to tell.


Whose story? Whose??? Also, the repetition irks me. And are you absolutely sure that "painful" is the word you were looking for? Wouldn't you like burdensome, vexatious, or arduous better? Or even all three together? It's always better to do an adjective dump than keep it short and simple!


But he would tell it.


Yeah? He honestly thinks someone cares? Remember your story is just in the beginning; this is no time to be self-centred!


He gulped in the air and began to speak.


This... I can't even speak of. (Seriously... gulped in the air? It sounds like he's hovering ten feet above the ground!!!)


Well, Snoink, I can't say I'm too impressed. I was expecting something better from you. Still, I wish you all the best and please contact me if you have any questions at all.


Demeter
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"Snoik wrote:
He looked at the sea, his eyes lifeless, and thought about his story. His story... it was too painful to tell. But he would tell it. He gulped in the air and began to speak.


Why would you sacrifice a valuable post with such a brief one? We only get to for a certain amount of time right? :?

But, I'm wondering, what is his story? Or, do we just get a prologue with a cliffhanger ending that is never answered? :lol:

Who is the protagonist speaking to? Even if it was nobody you should have at least established that.

Am I taking this much too seriously? I tend to do that. :(
"Jesus said to her, “I am the resurrection and the life. The one who believes in me will live, even though they die; and whoever lives by believing in me will never die. Do you believe this?”
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Snoink wrote:He looked at the sea, his eyes lifeless, and thought about his story. His story... it was too painful to tell. But he would tell it. He gulped in the air and began to speak.


Here's how I would've written it.

He looked at the sea, the roaring see where the seagulls soared in sultry figure eight formations, casting shadows over the rocks where the waves battered the shore. His eyes scoured the horizon but they seemed to be looking beyond it; beyond the horizon of the sea, beyond the horizon of time and into his past, a story almost too painful to tell. But he would tell it, he had to for the weight of those unspoken words has grown too heavy for him to bear.

He took a deep breath, inhaling the salty air and began to speak.


Or in 1st person.

I nudged him with the end of my pistol to move closer to the edge of the cliff.
He said, “Just wait minute, will ya!,” to which I replied, “Yer runnin outta time old man. I’m through playin games. Either be out with it, or you can kiss them rocks down there.”

He turned toward me and said, “I’ll tell ya, I jus…”

He looked out at the roaring sea, the first rays of sunlight were beginning to creep across the horizon.

He turned to me again and said, “can I at least have a smoke? Jus gimme a smoke and I’ll tell ya everything.”

If it was any other day and any other guy, I would’ve put one between his eyes and let the poor bastard fall down to the sea floor. But what can I say, I got a soft spot for those old timers. It always seems like they know something the rest of us don’t. I sighed and took a step back.

Pointing my gun at him I said, “One smoke, and you better spill yer guts. Got it?”
The Geezer nodded his head. I pulled my pack of smokes out of my shirt pocket and held them out to him. He took one and I pulled my lighter out and lit it for him. He took a puff and looked out at the sea again. He was searching; for what, I’ll never know. Maybe he was looking into his past, a story I would soon find that was almost too painful to tell. His eyes were wrinkled from a lifetime of restlessness, but they still had some life in them, I swear they did.

He put the cigarette to his lips once more, inhaled the thick smoke and began to speak.


I'm pretty much just bs-ing at this point :lol:
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Brilliant. Pure brilliance. Your skills awe me.

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