Crime Scene Investigation

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It was
the hottest kind of sticky city day,
and the first dark stain they found proved not to be blood
but a cherry ice pop, dropped and melted
from a graffitied window high above.

passersby stopped to stare,
feeding on this subversive tragedy
like movie patrons on popcorn and colored candies.
That bloodstained back-alley's secrets
were peeled carefully away from dank corners and
filed in sterile plastic bags, exposed at last to the harsh light of day.

They were
the ones that are not like us-
addicted to seduction
seduced by addiction
rebels and whores and lost boys and girls
finding their solace where the streetlights end.

To the spectators gaping from a distance,
shopping bags forgotten at their feet,
this was some film noir, some gangland shooting,
some dead hooker in a ditch.

The officers, they have the right to remain silent
but they don t use it-
with dirty jokes and the kind of arrogance that comes in uniform,
they carelessly zip body bags over pale faces
which are not so very different from their own.

We are
only human after all,
but in this plea of innocence is
a tacit admission of insanity-
a shortcoming that leaves us sleepless,
listening to the sirens in the night.
Last edited by faith on Wed Jan 26, 2005 9:15 pm, edited 2 times in total.




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There's a lot of depth to be found here; it could be viewed as a commentary on the nature of cities and it could also be viewed as a piece conveying the spiritual wasteland of America (although the two do go together).

I really liked it. Right from the beginning you set the scenery and the tone of the voice, and through your word choice, you manage to relate a hot summer day without ever explicitly saying it.

Not only that, but I love the little snapshots of the city that you give us from the stares of passersbys to sirens in the distance to lost boys and girls. It's a heart wrenching poem built upon many layers of meaning. Awesome.




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well, i think that some of the lines run together for instance, " and the first dark stain they found proved not to be blood " but sometimes thats fine,i guess. maybe you should break up some of those long lines and then this will be the perfect poem
when there's nowhere to go, it's time to grow up.




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I love this poem! There's too much I like to tell you everything, but the parts that I felt were the best were the first stanza, the almost anti-climactic way the stain was a cherry ice pop and not blood, the way that the passers-by in the second stanza fed on the tragedy "like movie patrons on popcorn and coloured candies" and the image of secrets being peeled away...that whole stanza, the word choice was awesome. Very evocative and totally powerful. I also liked the word choice of "where the streetlights end" and "film noir". That just gave it the perfect atmosphere to me. The only part I didnt like actually was the line where "they have the right to remain silent but they dont use it-". It felt a little rushed. Maybe you could break that line down a bit. Otherwise, its a brilliant poem. :)
Got a poem or short story you want me to critique?

There is only one success: to be able to spend your life in your own way, and not to give others absurd maddening claims upon it. (C D Morley)




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God, I love this poem...AHH! ITS SO GOOD! Ah, I am crying! :shock: That is so good. Love it, really, one of the best ever. Even better than proffesional poemist...err...people who write poems...
Gotta a find a woman be good to me,
Who won't hide my liquor, try to serve me tea.




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Wow, I loved the details. Very well-written. No complaints.. The entire first stanza was my favorite part, along with the line on movie patrons. I'm looking forward to reading more!
<3 Lindsey




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Yeah, but I think the second line, where it says it was the hottest sticky day or something, it is too long. You should take out city or one of those words so it flows better.
Gotta a find a woman be good to me,
Who won't hide my liquor, try to serve me tea.




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Your poem is amazing! Its one of those where, if you really care what they are saying, it goes right to the heart, but if you don't its just like a story about cities, but I think all of us have tooken it to heart.

faith wrote:The officers, they have the right to remain silent but they don t use it-


This line sounds a little choppy I think, but the rest sounds awesome.The "they have the right to remain silent but they don't use it" sounds kinda weird.




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Yeah, there is a lot to discuss in this poem, and a lot going on at once. I liked last 6 lines, those were the best I think. Or I also like "addicted to seduction, seduced to addiction". I liked how you used that and turned it around. Very good...hey there is no thumbs up smilie!

AHH! We shall put the board administrators to death! OFF WITH THEIR HEADS!...so, to not do that...Nate, can you add more smilies?...especially a thumbs up smilie...please...
Gotta a find a woman be good to me,
Who won't hide my liquor, try to serve me tea.




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I really liked this poem. It was powerful, and not in a sob-story moral type way. Great job.




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Great job! Your imagery was very nicely done. Your wording and choice of words was fantastic. It was truly a pleasure to read such a well-done piece.
"There is nothing impossible to him who will try."-Alexander the Great



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