Guilty Suicide

This is for Forestqueen's contest. The song that inspired this was Fully Alive by Flyleaf. I don't really know if it makes a whole lot of sense so if you could tell me that'd be awesome. And if you try to compare it to the song. It's about someone who has to deal with someone he loves who is Fully Alive, and believes they are going to be okay.

~peanut~


She is alive. In a state I cannot imagine but alive. She I dying in agony and I am dying slowly with her. My pain is different, emotional and sorrow filled. She says her death is fate and she is ready.
I’m not.
I know what she would say if she saw me now. She would tell me this is wrong and that I am supposed to live while she dies and that I am her angel sent from God.
If she were here I’d agree with her but think to myself what bull this all is. I’d tell her I loved her and she would believe my lies, my deception. She’s not here.
She is in some God forsaken hospital with people she doesn’t know watching her die. I am ashamed that I am not there to see her, I can’t do that to her. My love is too great—she can not see me like this. She can’t think this is her fault because in all truth it is mine.
The view out the window haunts me, bringing back memories of Aly before I broke her. I can imagine her dancing in the rain that is coming down in sheets and forcing me to sing with her. I shiver as the memory of her beautiful voice fills the bathroom.
I don’t think. I can’t think or it won’t happen. I reach forward and stop the water that has filled the bathtub to the brim. My shoe clatters against the tile floor, the other quickly following suit.
The days of comforting her are over as are the days of suffering. She will no longer have to look at me, the monster that hurt her. I take a small breath and step into the tub. Water spills over the sides. I lie down carefully, my clothes like balloons around me.
Over the rim I can see the picture of Aly; it bleeds onto the white tile, fading. My head hits the water with the vision of her.
“I’m sorry Aly,” I whisper. My voice shakes. “I don’t believe in Jesus.”
I fall under not even bothering to hold a last breath. My eyes blur from the clear water. There is a ringing that distorts the watery silence. I do nothing because the darkness takes over.


“Mr. Johns, this is Cross Network Hospital. We would like to inform you that Miss Aly Bennett responded well to the surgery and is expected to make a full recovery.” Click. Silence.

Hello Peanut!

peanut19 wrote:She is alive. In a state I cannot imagine but alive.
^
Hmm, I'm not quite so sure about this opening line. First off, it's written incorrectly. In the terms of grammar, I think it would be better as, "She is alive; in a state I can not imagine, but alive."

Secondly, when reading this sentence, I feel as though I'm starting off in the middle of the story. She is alive. Yeah, but aren't we all? What is this 'state the narrator can not imagine'? Is it a coma? I'd recommend adding those things so the readers knows what is going on so they can sympathize with this 'she'.

She I dying in agony and I am dying slowly with her.
^
Wait, what? A minute ago you said she was alive. Secondly, if your narrator is dying slowly with her, he would have a lot to think about. How does he feel about dying? Is he going to miss his parents, teachers, and friends? Did he wish he could stay around fora little while longer?
Secondly, there are some circumstances to first person narration. If a narrator dies, they aren't going to say, "I died", it would b something more along the lines of "my vision began to grow blurry, finally giving way to empty black depths". Your narrator is currently in a DNS (Difficult Narration Scene)where you should find another way to say 'I'm dying' while being more subtle and realistic.
Well, if My pain is different, emotional and sorrow filled. She says her death is fate and she is ready.
^
If what? You start this sentence of with 'if'. This is not a 'what if' question, so you should probably be comparing 'different, emotional and sorrow filled' to something. For example, "If you're Jim Carrey, then I'm the Queen of England."
Secondly, if your narrator is feeling emotional pain, how is he dying? Is he (or she) planning to commit suicide?

I’m not.
^
This throws things off a bit.
I know what she would say if she saw me now.
^
I'm confused. First it was about her slow death, and now it's about your narrator?

She would tell me this is wrong and that I am supposed to live while she dies and that I am her angel sent from God.
^
Hmm? So far, this story is reading like a poem written in prose. What I mean by that is that it conveys a lot of the messages of poetry and doesn't really connect directly to the reader like a real story. I'm seeing no plot progression, as it's a bunch of pretty words about death, love, and dying.

If she were here I’d agree with her but think to myself what bull this all is.
^
If she were here? Did she die? Last time I checked, the narrator was 'dying slowly with her.' I know you could have meant this metaphorically, but reading this sentence still throws things off. I imagined that they were both in a hospital next to each other, slowly dying. I’d tell her I loved her and she would believe my lies, my deception.
^
So, your narrator doesn't love her? I'm confused.

She’s not here.
^
A little redundant.
She is in some God forsaken hospital with people she dozen’t know watching her die. I am ashamed that I am not there to see her, I can’t do that to her.

My love is too great—she can not see me like this.
^
First off, I think these would be better off as two separate sentences. Secondly, I'm confused again. First you say, 'I'd tell her I'd love her and she'd believe my lies, suggesting that your narrator doesn't really love her. Now he's saying that he loves her again?
She can’t think this is her fault because in all truth it is mine.
The view out the window haunts me, bringing back memories of Aly before I broke her. ^
Broke up with her? That seems to make most sense grammatically, but he still seems too care a ton about her, more so than a typical, split-up couple. Maybe you're trying to say that the narrator broke her heart? I don't think you can 'break' a human being. Ally is not a glass jar.

I can imagine her dancing in the rain that is coming down in sheets and forcing me to sing with her.
^
?
I think this sentence needs to be rewritten totally. When I read this, my mind went, "???". It doesn't make any sense.

I shiver as the memory of her beautiful voice fills the bathroom.
^
The bathroom? You've never mentioned this before. Is your narrator actually in the bathroom, or is the memory of her voice in the bathroom. If it's the former, try to mention the setting right at the start of the story. If it's the latter, try to have smoother scene transistions. I don’t think. I can’t think or it won’t happen.
^
What won't happen?

I reach forward and stop the water that has filled the bathtub to the brim. My shoe clatters against the tile floor, the other quickly following suit.

^
Clatter seems as though its the improper adjective to describe shoes. Perhaps, "my shoe brushes against the tile floor?"

The days of comforting her are over as are the days of suffering. She will no longer have to look at me, the monster that hurt her. I take a small breath and step into the tub. Water spills over the sides. I lie down carefully, my clothes like balloons around me.
^
This part is good, but maybe you could add a few more thoughts from the narrator, especially since he is not ready to die, but feels as though his death is neccesary.

Over the rim I can see the picture of Aly; it bleeds onto the white tile, fading. My head hits the water with the vision of her.
“I’m sorry Aly,” I whisper. My voice shakes. “I don’t believe in Jesus.”

I fall under not even bothering to hold a last breath. My eyes blur from the clear water. There is a ringing that distorts the watery silence. I do nothing because the darkness takes over.
^
Remember what I was talking about earlier, with the difficult narration scenes? This is a great example of that.

“Mr. Johns, this is Cross Network Hospital. We would like to inform you that Miss Aly Bennett responded well to the surgery and is expected to make a full recovery.” Click. Silence.
^
...

When I read this section, it just made me think: wow. Is there going to be more to story? If not, it just seems a little pointless.

Overall
This story was okay, and you did have some moments of magnificent writing. However, I'm not a fan of the story itself as a whole. It read more like a piece of badly written poetry, and it was very confusing. You jumped around a lot, and I couldn't really see a clear plot line.
Why does the narrator want to die? You mention "breaking Ally's heart", but other then that, you don't really mention it.
You had a lot of a grammatical errors, choppy scene transitions, and other things (which I listed in my above review) that you need to fix before this story becomes good. It does have potential, though.
PM me if you have questions.

I've never heard the song so I'm just going to critique like I would any other story kay?

peanut19 wrote: She I dying in agony and I am dying slowly with her.

Underlined portion doesn't make sense.

peanut19 wrote: My pain is different, emotional and sorrow filled.

I think I would break this into two sentences. 'My pain is different. It's emotional and sorrow filled.' Or 'My pain is different; it's emotional and sorrow filled.'

I liked it a lot. I don't really feel that connected to any of the characters but that's hard to do with a piece this short. I kind of want to know what happened to Aly but I'm not sure if that would take away from the piece or not. I liked the ending, but because I don't know the characters very well it didn't have as much as an impact as I think it could have. Overall though it was good.
Good luck with the contest!

-Carly

Hi! Sorry it took me so long to review it for you! It was my contest...sorry anyways. I was listening to the song when I read this. It made me think about how different songs can mean to people. This wasn't how I thought of it...but it was sure interesting! Anyways...reviewing. Like Elinor said, I was wondering what had happened exactly. I mean, it says she's alive...but what happened? Did the narrator hurt her? I was confused by that.

She I dying in agony and I am dying slowly with her.

I think it would be better written like this: She is dying in agony, me, slowly dying with her.

She says her death is fate and she is ready.

It would be better if it was: She says her death is her fate. She says she is ready.

I didn't see any grammatical errors. Besides the title, I think you meant it to be "Guilty Suicide."

Anyways, I think it really could have been written better. Maybe you could add what happened to Aly, and why would the narrator want to kill himself? Is he mad at himself? Did he hurt her? There were a lot of questions in my head. Anyways, it was still interesting! Yay you were the first one to submit to my contest! Thank you!

Thanks for the reviews everyone. I know it's terrible But I'm going to probably rewrite it since I wrote it in about five minutes and NaNo's messing with my brain but thanks!

~peanut~