S.P. 4.1

Hi, this has been on my computer for a few months now, and I've finally decided to put it to the YWS panal! Just to clarify, this is the first half of the fourth chapter of the novel that I am writing, and the other chapters are written out in full Here, Here, Here and Here. Anyways... just a précis of what has hapened so far:

Prologue:
She wakes up in a hospital bed not knowing who she is. She finds 11 others of her [clones] and they all escape the compound together, agreeing to meet up at the local McDonalds.

Chapter 1:
She wakes up in a pipe and crawls her way out, following the voice in her head which she has decided to call her 'Instinct'. She can' remember escaping the compound in whch the prologue takes place.

Chapter 2:
She finds her way out of the construction pipe and onto the main streets, purposely disobeying the instictions of her Instinst to keep hidden, etc. She tried to buy a cookie for something to eat, but her Instinct takes over her body and forces her into a clothing shop. An attendant asks her why she is back, and she has to run away before she can ask more, because some men are running after her; 'men in black'.

Chapter 3:
She runs outside and is attacked by one of the men, and her Instinct takes control once again to fight them off. She then regains control of her body and is sent to dreamland.

Prologue part one, two and three, chapter one part one and two, chapter two part one and two, chapter three, and chapter four part two, can all be viewed in full by clicking the respective lables.

Chapter 4:

I gasped in terror, fighting for breath to pass my lips. None would come. Violent shakings forced their way through my throat, my entire body shook as the water splashed down. I continued in my uncontrollable jitters, drawing the little amount of breath that was possible, and then expelling it with greater force, trying to banish the liquid from my windpipe. After many seconds I sat up, spluttering and wheezing. Gasping for air, I realized where I was. The coarse ground beneath my fingertips gave it away.

Why? I asked. Why bother going to all of that trouble just to leave me here?

Questions whirred away in my head. My mind soon wandered to the notion I had before the blackout. Who were they? CIA? MI6? What did they want with me?

I inched back down onto my back, relieving me of the pain that came with sitting upright. I winced in pain as I regretfully remembered my last seconds before I collapsed, I would be lucky if I didn’t have a broken back from that hit, In fact, it was a miracle that I was even able to wake up.

Where did he go, and why leave me here?

It seemed as though waking up with more questions than answers was becoming a habit. I rolled onto my front, and then pushed myself up without arching my back, it was awkward, but the only way to move without causing pain. Moving my neck, I surveyed my surroundings, although it was nearly impossible with multiple sheets of rain bombarding me. That’s why I woke up, I thought. The rain was drowning me, so I had to have been out for minimal time.

It seemed that I was still in the alleyway, and I couldn’t bear to take the risk of moving, causing my back to protest with its sharp spasms; I was in too much pain already. Even to me this seemed like a stupid thing to do.

Still, why waste the marvel of being able to stand? I straitened my back, carefully moving at the slowest pace known to man.

I looked around, slowly building up the courage to inspect myself.

With much sorrow I looked down, passed the fraying of my track pants and down to the ground. Blood still lay where I spat it, more added to the collection with my wheezing as I woke up.

I saw no bruises, and as I stretched my arms they felt fine.

I took a hap hazardous step forward, surprised at the ease at which I could walk.
It’s like the beating never happened.

A second ago, I would have thought it impossible to walk freely, with the pain caused as I stood up, but now, I was feeling elated, euphoric even. The pain was gone! My body had healed at an incredible ate, is that possible? I wasn’t a chiropractor, but something wasn’t right.

‘Stop questioning your healing time and get out of here, they might come back anytime soon.’
Breath, I reminded myself, feeling the cold, damp air as it passed my throat. I heaved it all out, the air forming a small cloud of mist in front of me. There was no use in trying to weasel anything out of her, my mysterious hitchhiker. She knew who I was, but there must be a reason for her seclusion.

Ten more steps and I was out of the alleyway. The street was deserted, but I knew that that wasn’t good. A hasty look around, and I set off to the left, the way that led away from the construction site.

Through the rain I could see street windows illuminated with a warm, inviting glow. I soon realized that I was in the restaurant district. More than anything I wanted to walk into the first one I saw, waltz up to the counter and buy the biggest platter on the menu. Tough luck. I told myself sternly. I didn’t have any money. Without money you have nothing.

I have nothing… It was as if thinking the words made them true. I had no memories, no home, no life, no money… I was nothing. Wait! I though, seeds of anticipation spreading in my mind. I do have money! I still had the change from the cookie that I never devoured. The thought grew as I dug my hands deep into my pockets. How could I forget? The plastic paper came out with ease, enveloped immediately in a thin coating of water. My heart leapt as I read the numbers. There were about five notes, the top one; fifty dollars. I soon realized that my breathing was rapidly increasing. How much did I have, and why did I have it? I must have realized, I must have noticed that I had handed over a hundred dollars!

No. I didn’t I was too captivated by the thought of food. Food. What a glorious thought!
Checking the other notes, my immediate response was confirmed. I had just fewer than one hundred dollars, only three dollars less because of the cookie. Now, with reason and a chance, I pushed open the door to the first restaurant I passed.

* * *

The mouthwatering smells were enough to do my head in. I had to sit there, wait and breath deeply, knowing that my famished body would soon be devouring a juicy steak. Looking around me, the restaurant was posh, but not cultured in any way.

By the type of food on the menu, I could tell that it was an American restaurant. Where am I? The thought struck me stupid. I still had no idea were I was, what country, city or state.

I know it's been long, but I'm currently working on chapter 7, so look forward to the next few being posted in the next few days.Pert two is open to reviewing here

Ok so, lets review this story.
I think you obviously know what I'm going to point out first. The first three chapters, what was up with those? I don't mean to be so straightfoward or sound insulting, but I mean, they're only like one or two sentences long. That isn't relatively even a paragraph, never mind a chapter. I thought perhaps you were just putting in summaries and planning on going back and elaborating later, or maybe you had written the first three chapters a long time ago and since then your skill has matured because the fourth chapter was very good. I liked it a lot, good descriptions, and you worked the whole " I don't know who I am" thing rather well. May I also add, maybe you should just scrap the first three chapters as a whole? I'm serious read just from where it starts to get good. It would work as a standalone story and I would be intrigued. Stories like this make the reader want to find out what happened to the main character just as bad as the main character would! Your only 14, you could really go somewhere with this if you just keep touching it up. Don't abandon the idea, just work on it. I hope this was helpful, and I hope it didn't insult you or upset you, that wasn't my point. Keep writing though, you've got potential!

Tim L. wrote:Ok so, lets review this story.
I think you obviously know what I'm going to point out first. The first three chapters, what was up with those? I don't mean to be so straightfoward or sound insulting, but I mean, they're only like one or two sentences long. That isn't relatively even a paragraph, never mind a chapter. I thought perhaps you were just putting in summaries and planning on going back and elaborating later, or maybe you had written the first three chapters a long time ago and since then your skill has matured because the fourth chapter was very good. I liked it a lot, good descriptions, and you worked the whole " I don't know who I am" thing rather well. May I also add, maybe you should just scrap the first three chapters as a whole? I'm serious read just from where it starts to get good. It would work as a standalone story and I would be intrigued. Stories like this make the reader want to find out what happened to the main character just as bad as the main character would! Your only 14, you could really go somewhere with this if you just keep touching it up. Don't abandon the idea, just work on it. I hope this was helpful, and I hope it didn't insult you or upset you, that wasn't my point. Keep writing though, you've got potential!

look, I really don't mean to sound rude, but if you read what I put at the beginning, you will see that the first three chapters are a précis, which means that the entire thing is summed up in a few words. Albeit a précis is usually used for a sentence, instruction or paragraph, but in the context I used it it works just fine. As you also might have noticed the writing is entitled S.P. 4.1, which implies that I have written a previous three chapters, which I might again reinstate are clearly shown in a very brief précis at the start, just to jog the memory of those who have read them, or to catch up those who haven't. You clearly mis-understood my intention of putting those there.

I might also add that it is obvious that those are not chapters in the context that they are written in third person POV, while Chapter four, written here, is written in First person.

Sorry for anything that might have confused you.

Hello, I didn't come too late, right?

Where did he go, and why leave me here?

Change 'leave' to 'leaving'

but that's the only way to move without causing pain

I straitened my back

Straightened.

A second ago, I would have thought it was impossible to walk freely

My body had been healed at an incredible rate

Tough luck. I told myself sternly. I didn’t have any money.

Tough luck, I told myself sternly, I didn’t have any money.

I was nothing.

Change the 'was' to 'am'. Using 'was' means now she do have something.

Wait! I thought. Seeds of anticipation spreading in my mind.

The thought grows

No. I didn’t I was too captivated by the thought of food

Put a full stop after 'didn't'.


I'm sorry I can't be too nit-picky with this piece. Somehow it felt weird and in need of more grammar or spelling fixes, but I don't know how to help this out. I guess my English is just not that good yet. >_<


Also, I think your choice of word is kind of weird. Maybe it's from the MC's confusion or her intense situation, if so then nevermind. It's just some of them doesn't fit the intensity. One time you chose the word 'hasty', which is good enough because she needed to get to places quick and being unnoticed by the 'men'. The next you used 'waltz', which completely ignores the suspense aspect of the situation.


Another thing, the first half of this piece is about her wondering who the 'men' were, while trying to just get up. I think you can shorten the time she took to get up, and split up her wonders about the 'men' along the story.


That's all I can think about now. I hope other reviews can help you more.

cheers,
Tuna

Thanks for the review, Crouching Tuna. I do think that you had some odd corrections there, mixing up the tenses. The entire story is supposed to be in past tense, but her thoughts are in present tense. Other than that, your english is good!

Thanks again!

Asxz! Back again I see. Well, let's get to this.

There's something here that disturbs me. It's the fact that I understand more of your story from reading that little synopsis than I did from actually reading the literature. The Split Personalities I reviewed before was a bit of a mess, and made little sense. As much as you want to continue, instead of posting new chapters, I think you should consider re-writing the whole thibng, or at least editing thoroughly.

Also, once again, you've gone and asked at least five people to review this. Please try to refrain from this. Not only does it bug us reviewers, when we get here, there's nothing left to review! Quality, not quantity, dear.

The coarse ground beneath my fingertips gave it away.

It gives it away? Not really. Maybe Clone Girl knows where she is, but I sure don't. Back in the tunnel?

I inched back down onto my back, relieving me of the pain that came with sitting upright. I winced in pain as I regretfully remembered my last seconds before I collapsed, I would be lucky if I didn’t have a broken back from that hit, In fact, it was a miracle that I was even able to wake up.

The word pain becomes redundant, not just here, but throughout all four chapters of your story. Liven up your vocabulary!
This sentence is kind of run-on ish and worded awkwardly. I don't know. It just is. Try re-wording some?
One this that makes this too wordy is that you give everything a precursor word or an adverb which is just plain annoying.
"Regretfully remembered." That's junk description -- it only clogs up your writing. Of course you'd regret falling! The same thing goes for laughing joyfully or eating hungrily. Those are obvious things you don't need.
I'd also remove words like "In fact," or "Obviously," from before a sentence. They aren't needed and make your character sound like an annoying overall. It sounds as though your MC thinks the reader is stupid.

That’s why I woke up, I thought. The rain was drowning me, so I had to have been out for minimal time.

So buckets of rain just started pouring from the sky? Unlikely. She would of just woken up because, you know, that's what you do. You get knocked out and eventually wake up, no matter what the weather. If she's soaked, wouldn't she have been out for awhile? I'm not quite sure what you mean by the rain drowning her. Also, I still have no idea where she is. This means that there is no visual in my head of a setting, just a white world, a coarse sidewalk, a girl, and rain. Pretty interesting picture, eh?
You waste all of your words telling me what she is doing. Use some for a better purpose and show! Too much telling is bad.

It seemed that I was still in the alleyway

Whenever was she in an alleyway? That whole chase scene? If so, it was very poorly portrayed.

It seemed that I was still in the alleyway, and I couldn’t bear to take the risk of moving, causing my back to protest with its sharp spasms; I was in too much pain already. Even to me this seemed like a stupid thing to do.

Oh my gosh. We get it. She's in pain. If you keep mentioning how hurt your character is, I don't pity them, I laugh.
Instead of scientifically analyzing her pain. get into the emotional aspects of it. Show me how your character feels in the writing style. For example, in the novel Crime and Punishment, when Raskolnikov lies fevered and mad in bed, the whole novel becomes hazy and choppy, so very like Raskolnikov's state in mind. Not once does the answer say, Raskolnikov was in pain. In fact, he believed it must of been his tracheal fracture from which was causing him much pain, obviously. Pain. ^_^

passed the fraying of my track pants

Past. Not passed.

It’s like the beating never happened.

It was like. Not it's. Past tense.

My body had healed at an incredible ate, is that possible?

An incredible rate, not ate. Is that possible should be was that possible. Also, take out the last clause. It sounds so weird.

Breath

Breathe.

Okay, so then she goes to a cafe. But there's no one there. She never interacts with anyone, or sees anyone. Where is she? A city? I have no idea. You need other characters, and badly. Otherwise it will be too boring reading about only one character. I'm sorry, but this is boring. All you do is gives descriptions of what the MC is currently doing. There's no plot, and I almost have to force myself to read this.

I don't mean to sound rude, but you really, really, need to go back and rewrite.

Best,
Antigone