Rate the first sentence above you

9/10

In the blink of an eye, my world became ashes, and smoke, and screams; but it was nothing compared to what I felt inside.

(I don't actually feel like this, it's just a sentence).

In the blink of an eye my world became ashes, smoke and screams; but it was nothing compared to what I felt inside.

Edited it a bit, but further its a nice sentence. Bit on the drama side, probably works well for an monologue. I'd change "became" in to "fell into" or something along those lines. Further more 8/10.

The shadow of victory will cast us all in darkness and it is for the next dawn to reveal what has been left behind. (<-not quite satisfied about this line though..)

I like the contrast in "shadow of victory" and the foreshadowing that comes with it, but the drama is a little off-putting, and I'd prefer something more hooky. 6/10

My name is not the Raven, and today I am fourteen years old. I think.

I like how you incorporated some humor into that first line. At first, I thought that I read it as "My name is Raven" but after some quick rereads, I smiled at the follow up sentence after the first. It brings me to want to see how this early presented quirk in the character so far will play out. 7/10

He had once heard of how cats would crouch down real low, and then they’d make this sort of funny stance that would prepare the attack, with eyes that entrance their prey, fixed upon them.

I'm going to give it at 5/10. I think it needs a full paragraph to frame it, because right now there's nothing really that attention grabbing about it. It's got a curious voice, but by the end of the sentence I'm wondering why it's going on for so long. (Disclaimer: This does not mean I find it bad. It means it should probably go under First Paragraph Feedback)

I always started my days with pain.

7/10 because my head immediately associated it with T-Pain. Meaning you wake up every morning with T-Pain. That's the Canadian Dream, right? Now to dig into old projects like a bawss.

We were seven drops of leukeran from hearing God speak.

8.5/10 I like, Lumi. I like. Admittedly, I had to google the definition of leukeran, but that's a me problem. In all seriousness, I love what your sentence implies and it gives us readers a good idea of the possible mood of the story we're about to read. At the same time though, it certainly doesn't give too much away. Good job.

Sometimes I’ll be sitting somewhere and realise that one day, everyone in the room will be dead.

6.5/10. The use of somewhere and sometimes together makes this a little bit too vague for a first sentence. The idea is really intriguing though. I think it would make the line much stronger if you concreted it into a single instance and then maybe indicated later that it was a common occurrence.

We grew off the side of the mountain like sprigs

5/10 Not bad, just not interesting.

The moon light filtered down through the massive plate glass window, intermingling with the smoke to bathe the Casino floor in a kind of luminescent mist. Men, who had obviously been doing shots of horse testosterone since middle school, milled about the floor, looking for someone, anyone to start a fight with.

2/10

1. Using the words "kind of" isn't necessary and makes it clunkier.

2. Moonlight is one word.

3. Casino doesn't need to be capitalized.

4. Way too many adjectives cluttering it up.

5. Not very interesting.


It never occurred to me that using a used SCUBA tank might be a bad idea until I had a staring contest with a shark twenty meters down.

7/10

Not bad, I like it although I don't understand what the connection between a used SCUBA tank and meeting a shark have to each other xD

You don't think about the consequences when you kill a man, it just sort of happens in a single instant unlike any other- and then it's over and you're a murderer.

Ehhh 6/10. I like the voice but I don't find it very believable. Could be me, though? I'm not sure I'd like a character who simply murdered without thought.

I always started my days with pain.

7/10 I would read further, but it's not the best.

In my defense, he had it coming the moment he stole my lunch.

8/10
It really grabbed my attention. I'm hooked.

Her silence echoed through the emptiness louder than any of her screams had before.

5/10— Good concept, very verbose execution. You've got a slow buildup and I automatically think of ways you could say it better. Not a good sign.

I didn't want her to leave yet.