Rate the first sentence above you

3/10.
Sorry, but firstly, you put two sentences and the topic was one. And secondly the first sentence is wayyyyyy to long. I lost interest and didn't know what was going on. Split that into 2 or even 3.


One day, Harry Potter woke up.

2/10

Captain obvious, much? He'd wake up every day, and it's just boring. No conflict, no curiosity peaked, nothing.

I wondered if this was how souls felt, waiting for judgment after death.

...

1/10.
I just don't get it.
And it seems you don't get mine, it's meaning is that his adventures were all a dream. As a writer, I'm surprised you didn't get it.

JustToby wrote:And it seems you don't get mine, it's meaning is that his adventures were all a dream. As a writer, I'm surprised you didn't get it.

I do not read first sentences as a writer. I read them as a reader. Maybe if I'd had more context (here is the game for that) it would've been easier, but do be warned the whole "just a dream" thing is among the most irritating cliches you can use at present, so your rating might've actually gone down.

If you expect people to know exactly what is going on because of a factor, take a hard look at your story and get rid of everything like that. Because they won't get it.

Now, back on topic.

~

I wondered if this was how souls felt, waiting for judgment after death.

"I wondered if this was how souls felt, waiting for judgment after death."

I am in awe. This is an amazing way to start a novel- a deep metaphor, character's emotion, and everything. Good job! I'd totally read on from there.

--

My other first sentence wasn't such a great start.

How's this one?

"Cedrick rolled away, closely dodging the tiny, fanged creature that was zooming past him in thin air, leaping from the forest floor right past his left arm."

6/10

I like how your sentence gets straight into the action. It's not cliché, the description's pretty good and it does manage to interest me. The reason I haven't scored it higher though is because it's a little long and awkward sounding.

Also, I thought your other one wasn't too bad! I do see a pattern in both sentences though that could maybe be improved with a few tweaks. All you need to do is reshape your sentences a bit and maybe shorten them into more than one sentence. That way, they'll be smoother. Shorter sentences create far better tension than longer ones, and it's great to have tension at the very beginning of a story.



Dear Diary,

Nate said that only girls write diaries but Mummy says I’d make a pretty girl so I think that makes it okay.

7/10

I love how it shows an immediate conflict between the character's feelings and what is socially acceptable. You can tell that the main character (well, I'm assuming it's the main character?) is very young and innocent. The problem I find is that it is such a long run on sentence. I know that that would be the style of writing, but it's a little much to take in all in one sentence. It might help to add commas too

Mine is actually from a prologue, in the form of a journal entry of some sort. The rest of the novel is most likely going to be in third person. Also, keep in mind that it isn't really supposed to make sense at first, and it is explained later. ^^

I was nine years old when the horses first came.

8/10 It's defintiely intriguing, but I think it could be better.

If you don’t judge me too harshly or too quickly, I shall tell you my tale to the best of my recollection.

8/10

It is interesting, but I don't really get how it leads into the story.

"Your mom says to not let you in because you killed her son."

5/10. The second person sounds so much like first person I had to read it about 5 times to pick up on all the second person mentions, and I keep getting hung up on "her son". Because I keep reading it as a little kid speaking to somebody else (I had originally read it as "My mom says to not let you in...") and the antecedents for "you" are kind of nuts. The sentence reads like "you" killed your own brother, in a child's voice, and it is more nonsensical than creepy.

I'd thought my headache would go away if I slept it off…

8/10. It's a wonderful first sentence, but I don't like first sentences that end with... that much. Too soon for them.


HN402, also known as HaNnah, crouched hidden among the rubble, her heart beating rapidly.

7/10 because it jumps into the action. I could feel the gravel under my toes and the steady, yet rapid beating of my heart when I read your sentence. I like stories that jump right into the action, then go back and explain. I like the names you chose ( even if they are strange). They sound futuristic. Awesome!!!!!!!!!!




I stared out into the dark, black, night as I silently slipped through the trees.

8/10. A bit too many adjectives about the sky, and you have silent and silently. You should probably cut one out. Sorry it's two sentences, but the first doesn't have that much detail:

If Amberly could have cried, she would be. She would be crying and screaming and yelling, and possibly breaking a couple of noses.

6/10: It does hint at a problem, since obviously she's upset at something, but it's sort of a general hysteric/angry reaction rather than a unique and person-specific one, and we don't get any sense of what the problem is or could be. In fact, we get a whole lot of 'would' and conditional mood...which is a lot going on for a first sentence/first two sentences.

The shouts and the gunshots wake him.