Same old story

[Note: I'm not exactly sure where this belongs or if this is any good, so please tell me what you think!]

Same old story

Boy sees girl.
Boy likes girl.
Girl likes boy.
They kiss.

They walk together.
They talk to each other.
They hold each other.
They care.

Same old story.

Her eyes won't open.
His ears won't hear.
He let's her see beauty.
She lets him hear music.

Same old story?

=D I honestly think it should be a bit more longer. I get a picture, but it's not all that clear, it's fuzzy. I suggest making the new story at the end a bit longer. I bet they still have a bit more defects, or you could just put in more detail.

But other then that, I thought it was really cute. -.^ good job!

The idea of romance being "the same old story" is interesting and could lead to some fascinating places. Sadly, while you promise so much, you never actually go anywhere with it.

My advice would be to use this as a base. Right now, the poem is stiff - there's no life in it. The lines are too choppy and repetitive, and you jump from the girl meets boy part to the blind/deaf stanza without any kind of explanation as to what you mean. If I were you, I'd take this and build on it, using a great deal more imagery and rhythm, to make a more effective poem. You need something stronger than this to really carry the concept home.

Cheers,
~bubbles

Hey there! I agree with Bubbles - the concept of 'Same old story' is good but you need to develop your poem further. The technique of repetition is a little over-used and your phrasing and word choice are both very simple. My main suggestion is to add some imagery. Go further into describing what makes it the same old story and try to evoke some emotion in the reader. Do you want them to see it as a good thing or a bad thing?

On the other hand, you could turn this into Narrative poetry and tell the story of a specific boy and girl and how their love story is or isn't the same old story. In general, what you have so far is okay but it needs something else, something extra to make it more unique and interesting.

Sorry I couldn't give you more than a few vague ideas but if you make any changes, feel free to pm me with a request for another crit,

Heather xx

Good points: the idea is good, the reader understands the message.

Bad points: It's a little boring. You haven't put any emotion into it. Somehow it just feels a little bare.

It definately is the 'same old story', I like the way you put it but it needs more feeling. It needs to be longer and more constructive. I like how you ended the poem.


~Loz

Hi! I like your concept of 'same old story.' But I think you need to make it longer, and put in more imagery. The last verse was very good. You should make the other ones more like that, less obvious. Add more rythm, and more emotion. No one's going to care about this if it doesn't sound as though it's something you care about. It's too lifeless right now. It's sound in essentials, but needs a bit of work.

PM if make some changes and want me to critique again.


*adna*

It's not too original this, although the fact that the writer seems to be bored by the whole thing could be something you could work on and elaborate over time.

I think the length is just right and I would find it hard if it were any longer, mainly because of your stucture and flow. If you added to it, it would seem todrag on and perhaps deter people from reading it all.

I believe you have also made a typo in the first stanza, twice. "Eachother" should be "Each other." Other than that, I think you've used your punctuation pretty well and there aren't any other I can find to complain about.

Good work.
Ginge.

I agree with kioneslayer that this should be a bit longer. I think you have a good start here but you need to expand your thinking. I liked how you used Love as being the same old story and that was really creative!

I just suggest that you stretch this out a bit more.

A Boy sees a girl.
The Boy likes the girl.
the Girl likes the boy.
They kiss.

They walk together.
They talk to each other.
They hold each other.
They care.

Same old story.

Her eyes won't open.
His ears won't hear.
He let's her see beauty.
She lets him hear music.

Same old story?

There. Doesn't it sound much better when it's not written in caveman language?

I would take the first stanza and then twist it around a little bit.

So then it might look like:

Boy sees girl.
Boy likes girl.
Girl likes boy.
They kiss.

He sneezes.
She recoils.
He falls
bringing her down
with him.

...then I would have them laugh together and realize, "Holy crap!" we have allergies and then have them sneeze together. Same old story? So just give it a twist. This starts out very promising... give it an interesting premise.

-.- why not turn it into a rap where mac dre gets his thizz on, snoink?

very gooder done yeah. i think it's a nice length, as adding to it may get the point across too directly. it's not like you are telling me what's up or anything. haha. i like the sos (aka. same o' story) feel to it, as your filler details do just that. but i had issues with turning the last line into a question. your indirect narrative voices in my head were very direct and tasteless, in a good way, so why pop the question so soon and let me run away with it? but i can see potential for this to be fairly filled out like what other people are saying. if you are going to lengthen it, i would add a bit of a curve to it, as it might go stale without. or leave it as is, for it does its job very well in my opinion.

zzap

The last stanza threw me off, but the rest was fine.

I like the pointed summary in the beginning stanza. After that though, the one-line/one-sentence stanzas got a bit on my nerves. The last stanza (excluding the last line) was a little confusing because it deals with more abstract things like beauty, rather than concrete events like the rest of the poem. And the sharp contrast in styles doesn't really facilitate a clean ending, like the rest of the poem leads one to believe. Look at what you're trying to get across and then see if that helps when looking through the frame of the entire poem.

Kalliope wrote:[Note: I'm not exactly sure where this belongs or if this is any good, so please tell me what you think!]

Same old story

Boy sees girl.
Boy likes girl.
Girl likes boy.
They kiss.

They walk together.
They talk to each other.
They hold each other.
They care.

Same old story.

Her eyes won't open.
His ears won't hear.
He let's her see beauty.
She lets him hear music.

Same old story?

I really don't get what you mean by:

Her eyes won't open.
His ears won't hear.
He let's her see beauty.
She lets him hear music.

Please add more details into it. And please add more to each sentence and extend this poem. I hope this helps!

-Rick.