Crush

Wait a sec - was this it?

I drift away through honey
There is music in my ears
Smiles plastered on a heart
That used to wear my tears
I’m basking in your presence
As though you were the sun
I know its kind of silly
But I cant stop what I've begun
For if they were to break me
And take me all apart,
They may dissect my body
But they wouldnt find my heart.

I pieced it back together! Yay! And I actually think I like it. But maybe it needs a little explaining. See, I was trying to capture the effusive nature of that first crush...I remember my first crush and I was totally like this. I know its over the top and marshmellow, it was meant to be, because what is puppy love without a bit of fluff? Hehe. [points at muse] SHE made it rhyme, not me!!!

lol, it is kinda different, its a start.

I drift away through honey
There is music in my ears

This sounds pretty, but its one of those lines that is hard to understand what it means, mostly in the first line.

Smiles plastered on a heart
That used to wear my tears

Again, ditto above.

They may dissect my body
But they wouldnt find my heart.

I really like the meaning between this, but the first line sounds weird. I think the first line should be tweaked and the words changed a little.

Hehe it is a bit like that isnt it? Like I said, I was just messing - trying to get the brain working. I thought it was kind of cute though. If I decide to turn it into a serious poem I'll definitely look at those areas. Thanks

My dear, this risks sounding...dare I say...adolecent? It just lingers on that line of cliche-ness enough for me to want to turn my head and stop reading. Unfortunately, I'm not sure how to suggest a fix. Over all, I like it. Nice, fluffy, marshmellow poetry ^_^.

i love the idea of drifting through honey..warm, secluded, viewing the world through a case of gold...which is kind of what love is at it's best.

marshmellow poetry?

You know, fluffy...sweet...but mostly air

Marshmellow (mallow?) poetry.

Alright, first off, I've always had "issues" (*twitches*) with rhyming poems. I don't know what it is, but it's how I am. With that in mind, here's what I think:

I know its kind of silly
But I cant stop what I've begun

No. Please. Take it away.

For if they were to break me
And take me all apart,
They may dissect my body
But they wouldnt find my heart.

For if they were to break me,
And to take me all apart,
They may have dissected my body,
But they wouldn't have found my heart.

Maybe? I don't know. I don't think my version sounds much better, either. But trim this down. Rhyming poems are meant to be short, or they annoy the hell outa people... like me...

*twitches*

Good, I liked it. But mostly I agree with Tessitore on those lines.

I liked it, I think you could make it longer and should post more of it.

You deleted it?
I liked it! I kept coming back to re-read it because I liked it!

Ok, ok, so I got a little carried away with the "I don't like rhyming poems" bit... but really, that poem had great potential. Rar! Never think that your work is bellow par, you don't get anywhere with that attitude! *waves "mom-finger" at you*

I'm in the habit of giving critiques, and I might have carried it away a bit. I'm sorry. Really. But put the poem back up... this makes me sad.

Sadnes....

Put it back! I liked it! (as said before) NEVER give in to people saying your work is bad. NEVER. Whenever anyone says my work is bad I just mentally go "oh, really? watch this then..." and smile at them... then show them... which you sort of did with the "only humman" poem. But anyway, put the poem back... I liked it, even if no one else did (and I'm sure they did!)

Dr. Seuss' high school art teacher hated the way he drew, and critized him endlessly. Critisim here isn't malicously here... especially if it comes from Tess...that was one of the big problems on our old board, people said things just to be cruel.
Disliking one or two spots doesn't mean they hate the entire poem... it is after all, greater than the sum of it's parts...
And if the poem was meant to be adolesent, wouldn't the responses you've gotten just prove that it did what it was intended to do?
I liked it. yes, it was light, but i've always been of the opinion that good writing does not automatically mean dramatic writing and that alot of drama is just twat.
so re-post it for me please???

Thanks for the support guys, but seriously, I truly didnt like it anyway. I agree with Tess about rhyming poems. Theyre aggravating. So I will rewrite this one and make it less embarassing. Then I might repost. (Also, I cant find the piece of paper that I had it on anymore... )

well not being able to find the paper is a legit reason... but don't let me catch you getting down on yourself like that again bubble!!!

--Alyce--