Hide and Seek: The Child

wow! i loved this! I liked the 'spin' you took on the theme of abortion. I have no critisism.. i loved it. I also liked the psalm you wrote at the bottom. I think that the scripture seemed to add to the story, but instead of giving the story extra meaning it gave the scripture more meaning as i really thought about it ina completely different light! Well done, your work is amazing. mim x

All right, answering to your plea for help (and to justify the inadequate response I typed back when I was young and stupid)...

I'm listening to Death From Above 1979 at the moment, so I'll be rather cruel, as this particular band is known to raise heart rate/blood pressure/susceptibility to spasms...

'A hand touches me gingerly'

If this is the baby-which I'm pretty sure it is- then how exactly are they touching it directly? I might have missed something. We'll have to see. If it's indirect, try something like, "I can feel the heat of a hand over me".

"second female"

Wait a second! FREEZE! Did I miss something? You can't automatically assume that the reader knows the mom's a lady. The baby could be the result of some freak sex-change accident, and we'd never be sure. Say just "a female voice". (Also, for yumminess purposes, I'd also put some description in with the voice, since some unfortunate women sound like husky bodybuilders *cough* school librarian *cough*.)

"But who is seeking me?"

This sounds rather Pre-K to me, although I do know that it's an unborn child. Still! You should have a better grasp of the English language, Ari! Try: "But who is seeking me out?" One word moves you up a couple grades in language mastery.

"I am hiding here inside her, where it is warm and dark and safe. I like it here."

That's a fairly awesome sentence, Ari. Good job.

"But I’m not worried. No one can hurt me here."

As the Uber-Emotional Perceptor person, I must say, that when one is playing hide and seek, you feel a little apprehensive. If they even catch a glimpse of you, you lose. I'd add a little extra "But there's a catch..." to this sequence.

“This is bad, Callie. This is really bad.”

Who's Callie? And why would being pregnant be bad to Callie if she's not the mom? Unless this is indeed the result of a freak sex-change accident, and it's a shared pregnancy. *shudder*

"I feel Callie’s hand on my mother’s shoulder."

...how? Explain to us a little, like if the baby can sense heat coming from different directions or something like that. Fill us in!

"“Oh God, it’s moving! Make it stop!” "

CLASS!!! Twist that fork in the heart a little more, would you? Very, very well done. I love how the baby's just sort of there, loving the hanging around, and the mom is obviously pretty stressed out.

"I feel almost everything she does."

HOW?? TELLLLLL MEEEE!

Oooh, a White Stripes song has just come on. Allow me a moment for a dance break, will you?

"“Then you’re not too late. I promise this will make everything right again.” "

ARI! QUIT WRITING SO AWESOMELY!!!

Why is this section so particularly awesome?

We have an extremely detailed, acute notion of what's going on, though you don't tell us. We're seeing this whole-ooh, scandalous- story through the eyes of the most innocent protagonist the world could ever come up with. CLASS!!!

" this warm darkness. "

That's the exact same way you described it earlier, you just changed the words around. Think of a couple different ways to say the same thing without making us groan.

"inside a place we have not been there before."

How does this baby know? Again, I don't think he/she's psychic, and it's driving me crazy because he/she seems to be and knows all this good stuff we don't.

"with cold fear."

I happen to know that this baby is in a spot at exactly 98.6ºF, not cold. Why does this baby feel cold all of a sudden? Good God, it probably doesn't even know what cold is...sorry, thinking aloud. But still.

The ending was still awesome, but I'm sort of confused. I must admit I haven't done much research on abortion, but from what the baby was describing, I thought they were going to a clinic...so why is she awake? If the whole thing's being done with a coat hanger in a back alley, then the atmosphere as the baby describes it would be different. I'd touch up that bit a little more.

Other than that...you managed to give me the fork-to-the-heart feeling, which is uberly good when writing a piece such as this. Good job!

And good luck with the publishing thing. I'm sure it'll be great.

Sam pretty much covered it all.

I thought this was really good. Even though i'm a guy and i'll never experience anything like this, it still has an impact. It even has sort of a dramatic, hurt feel to it (in my opinion).
Maybe something along the lines of : "See? THIS is what your doing when you involve yourself in abortion!"

Generally, it's like a wake up call to reality, it shows the reader that "Everything's going to be fine" isn't true.

Let me know if you get it published, though.

Very nice job, m'lady Areida. Good luck.

Hey Areida; I read this a while back and thought I had critiqued, but apparently not. Hmm. Note to self: Must upgrade memory.
But, seriously now folks, I think Sam pretty much covered everything. This story is amazing; the hide-and-seek analogy, the perspective....incredibly well written. I adore the dialogue. You make me so jealous (I cant write dialogue worth beans). A lot of people are fussing over how the baby could feel this or that or know whatever; I say that while some points do need to be touched up, fact is, baby probably couldnt understand any of these sensations anyway, so these people need to loosen up a bit, hehe. I'm not so good at critiquing long stories coz I have the attention span of, like, a mouse...what was I saying? Oh yes. But I'm going to make a special effort here and critique in WORD before I post so that I have space (and a larger font size…going blind…).
So, here goes:

Hide and Seek: The Child << Not sure about this title. Gives too much away? But that’s up to you.

I can hear voices. I feel the warmth of a hand touching me gingerly. “Are you sure?” asks a soft, quavering voice. << I think the dialogue should be on a new line.

…

My mother sits. I can feel her body move slightly and there is a humming below us as we turn in different directions. We stop. << I think this is a little abrupt here. Needs to be softened a bit and dragged out slightly perhaps.

“What am I going to do, Callie?” asks my mother.

“Well you don’t want it, do you?” Callie returns.

“Why would I? My God, my parents are gonna kill me when they find out. What am I supposed to do?” I can feel my mother’s panic as acutely as if it was my own and I want to comfort her. “Oh God, it’s moving! Make it stop!” << Fork in the heart? Try several bullets and an apple-parer for good measure. Brilliant, just brilliant.

“You’ve got to get a hold of yourself, Kayla!” I can feel my mother being shaken, and I shift uncomfortably. I don’t like this rattling.

My mother sighs and I feel her run a hand through her hair. I feel almost everything she does. “You’re right. What should I do?”

^^^ Think you should separate the dialogue here.

My mother shrugs. “I don’t know. Three months or so.” << and here

“Then you’re not too late. I promise this will make everything right again.”

I can feel my mother sigh again; this time she is relieved. I am glad she feels better. I shift again, just to let her know everything is all right. Her hand goes to her abdomen and I become still. I suppose she doesn’t mind Callie knowing I am here. << This bit confuses me. Why does the baby become still if s/he knows the mother doesn’t mind Callie knowing s/he is there?

...

My mother sits quietly and places her hand over me once more. “Friday,” she murmurs. “Tomorrow, all of this will be over.” << separate dialogue! (sorry, but my teachers always used to crack down on me about dialogue, so...hahahaha...now I get to do it to you :p)

...

The door we came through opens and shuts again. A male voice speaks and I learn that he is a doctor. Perhaps he will help my mother. She is so afraid. I hope she isn’t sick.

“If you’ll just lie down here, miss,” says the doctor.

I feel my mother comply. The very air in the room feels as though it is filled with pure terror.

“I’m scared,” my mother whispers.

“It’s okay,” Callie says. “You’ll be all right. This is the end of your problems.”

My mother screams and suddenly, I am wracked with pain. They found me.

I feel as though my life is being sucked away, and it is torture like I never knew existed. My mother and I are both screaming, our bodies filled with agony.

“Oh God!” my mother cries.

“Shut her up,” orders the hard female voice and I am vaguely aware of Callie’s hand being clamped over my mother’s mouth.

“Shh…” she says to my mother. “It’s almost over.”

I feel myself being pulled out of my mother. I cling desperately to her, but I’m not strong enough. If I could, I would be crying. We lost the game; they found me.

^^^ why is she awake???

Then, abruptly, my anguish is over. There is no more pain. I am filled with warmth as I feel myself being lifted out of the machine. They are gentle hands that carry me to my new hiding place. Heavenly hands.

I can see my mother now. She’s so beautiful, but she is weeping, sobbing as though a part of her has been stolen. I want to reach out to her but I cannot. It’s too late.

I look away from my mother’s heart-wrenching form and tilt my face upward. I can see light. My suffering is over. I feel myself float upward, resting in the arms of my Protector. And now, I am home.

For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb.
Psalm 139:13

^^^ Love the Psalm. Beautiful. The ending is slightly cliché, but it only rankles me because, well, not being particularly religious...anyway. It’s brilliantly written and the Psalm is a PERFECT ending.

Overall, an absolutely beautiful piece, very well written and emotional. I really loved it and I dont think you'll have any problems getting it published. Let me know how it goes!
~bubblez

I like the first version better. It has more of a surprise element to it that makes it more tragically beautiful because of the innocence involved. This version seems a bit overdone. You give away the surprise straight at the beginning and use the title "Hide and Seek" as a crutch. But you don't need to use the crutch because it stood alone anyway. This version seems angsty... I like the other version better.

You did edit the beginning, did you not?

Yep, this version is slightly different. I was having issues with the title because I only made it "I Can Hear Voices" because writing.com insisted upon it having a title (silly people ) and I didn't know what else to make it.

If you have any suggestions for titles, than I'm all for hearing. Do you think you could expand on how I give the surprise away? I'm not sure if I subconciously changed some of the beginning to make it more clear or not. If I did, it was because one of the most common pieces of feedback I got was that people had to read the first bit several times because it was confusing.

Suggestions for killing angst/pointing out specificly angsty parts are always appreciated.

I like the title 'I Can Hear Voices'. It could be a bit misleading, though, it sort of hints at skitzofrania(sp).

'Hide and Go Seek: The Child' seems a little overdramatic, like a video game title (AtackForce: Alpha Version) Lol I just made that up.

Well... do you have a copy of the old version you can put here so I can compare them? Then I can show you why I liked the old version better and what I liked about it.

I also liked the old title too. It doesn't make sense until you read it, but then it makes perfect sense. This title - nay, the whole "hide-and-seek" idea that is repeated through the story seems too overdramatic.

Cool, good story... nice angle on abortion, unique. Awesomely Fantastico, give it an A.
It got a tad bit confusing at the end for the not-so-sharp reader though.

I can't add a lot to what others have said.

Hide and Seek: The Child <<there's been some debate about the title...I suppose "I could hear voices" could refer to the baby's awareness of it's surroundings, that it can hear people and wonder what's going on. I don't have any suggestions, except to take off "The Child". Then it's not so obvious at the beginning. You don't need to have that, because it's clear that it's a baby in utero.

I can hear voices. I feel the warmth of a hand touching me gingerly. “Are you sure?” asks a soft, quavering voice.

“It’s positive, Kayla,” says a second female voice. “I’m sorry.”

Kayla. That’s her name. My mother. We are playing a game. I am hiding here inside her, where it is warm and dark and safe. I like it here. <<Ooh...I like it. Reason why you don't need "the Child" in the title: my mother...I'm hiding inside her That makes it pretty clear.

But who is seeking me? That’s how the game is played, isn’t it? One hides and the other seeks. But there is a catch, which makes the game even more exciting. If they catch even a tiny glimpse of me, even for an instant, we lose. But I’m not worried. No one can hurt me here. <<If she knows about the risk, why isn't she worried at all?

“This is bad, Callie. This is really bad.”

We lean a little as Callie places her hand on my mother’s shoulder. “Come on. I’ll take you home.”

My mother sits. I can feel her body move slightly and there is a humming below us as we turn in different directions. We stop. <<I only just realized that they are in a car. It seems a little abrupt here. Could you maybe round it out a little?

When we wake up the next morning, my mother hugs her mother—my grandmother—and travels to school. Somewhere in the distance, a bell rings and a cacophony of feet moving toward different rooms frightens me. <<how does she know they're going to different rooms? Just say cacophony of feet, maybe, or describe more of the disorder I try to remain calm but I curl up slightly. I remember I am safe inside my mother, here in my comfortable hiding place. No one knows I’m here; we’re still winning the game. <<that makes me think already that she'll die

The whole abortion scene...is not realistic. Maybe that doesn't matter to you. You can decide. But I would think the mom wouldn't be awake for it, even though it makes it more dramatic. A friend of mine who read it said it's confusing because of it...she knew it was an abortion, but it seemed more like she was giving birth. So you could make it clearer.

When I first read it, I thought it was amazing and original. Seeing this through the ears of a -3 month old baby is the masterstroke.

Good luck on getting it published!

~Jacquie~

This was so sad! I can't believe that the child dies. 'Kay so I do kinda have a review for you this time instead of a long list of compliments.

But about what? I shift slightly, just so she’ll know I’m here. Her baby.

I totally agree with Rei here. I would take out the words "her baby". The mood is so mysterious, and this seems a little too blunt and it's kinda out of place.

I resolve to be more motionless.

For some reason, I don't like this sentence. I feel like a baby would never say that. Maybe, "I decided to stop moving"? I know you used big words before but I just don't think it fits here. Or maybe I'm just being an idiot. Feel free to ignore this xD

Don’t hurt my mother, I want to say. Leave her alone!

Till now you italicized what the baby thinks. So, shouldn't these be italicized too?
'Kay done with the nitpicks! Excellent job on this! Loved it, as usual. You write really good shorts, you should write them more often.
fluteluvr77<3