Fantasy Novelists Exam

Well, it's not really a serious test. It's just poking fun at fantasy and the cliched or badly-thought-out things that go on all the time. So I wouldn't base your writing futrue on the results or anything.

Just have a chuckle and think of all the fantasy stories you've read that would fail in a second.

1. Does nothing happen in the first fifty pages?
- No, unfortunatley your head would explode from all the stuff in the first 50 pages thats how insane it is.

2. Is your main character a young farmhand with mysterious parentage?
- No, in fact he lives in the middle district of a city.

3. Is your main character the heir to the throne but doesn't know it?
- How can he be an heir if he lives in the middle district? Oh if you were wondering the answer was NO!

4. Is your story about a young character who comes of age, gains great power, and defeats the supreme badguy?
-The bad dude actually runs away, about 50% of them actually do. The others pretty much lose some limbs and what not.

5. Is your story about a quest for a magical artifact that will save the world?
-I wouldnt say the world, in fact the world itsself is pretty concealed and very nice looking so No!

6. How about one that will destroy it?
-Now why would the good guy want to do that? The answer again is No!

7. Does your story revolve around an ancient prophecy about "The One" who will save the world and everybody and all the forces of good?
- Nope, no prochecy. Its pretty much a guy finishing a relatives job and that doesnt seem very ancient to me.

8. Does your novel contain a character whose sole purpose is to show up at random plot points and dispense information?
- No

9. Does your novel contain a character that is really a god in disguise?
- No

10. Is the evil supreme badguy secretly the father of your main character?
- No

11. Is the king of your world a kindly king duped by an evil magician?
- Did you say duped? This is an exam were not actually in a novel. The answer is still No.

12. Does "a forgetful wizard" describe any of the characters in your novel?
- I dont think he would describe them well if he was forgetful but there are no wzards so No.

13. How about "a powerful but slow and kind-hearted warrior"?
- A 'Slow' person would describe them worse. No.

14. How about "a wise, mystical sage who refuses to give away plot details for his own personal, mysterious reasons"?
- I actually wouldnt like that, escpecially if he didnt give me his reasons! No.

15. Do the female characters in your novel spend a lot of time worrying about how they look, especially when the male main character is around?
- They never carry anything to make them look better. No.

16. Do any of your female characters exist solely to be captured and rescued?
- None were captured in fact some die. No.

17. Do any of your female characters exist solely to embody feminist ideals?
- Not alot of feminimism other than the fact that there females and others respect them. No.

18. Would "a clumsy cooking wench more comfortable with a frying pan than a sword" aptly describe any of your female characters?
- All the female characters who fight have swords, some throwing knifes and short blades. No.

19. Would "a fearless warrioress more comfortable with a sword than a frying pan" aptly describe any of your female characters?
- I wouldnt say the female charaters are fearless. If it was a cage macth who would you put your gold on, a female with a sword or a viking with a megaton axe. No.

20. Is any character in your novel best described as "a dour dwarf"?
- There are not even any dwafs. No.

21. How about "a half-elf torn between his human and elven heritage"?
- There such thing as half elves? No.

22. Did you make the elves and the dwarves great friends, just to be different?
- Elves are minor and barely even mentioned. Dwarves are extinct. Plus (excluding LOTR) I doubt pointy ear people are likely to be freinds with people the size a persons thigh.

23. Does everybody under four feet tall exist solely for comic relief?
- The only people that short are children and many die in my book. I wouldnt consider that funny! No.

24. Do you think that the only two uses for ships are fishing and piracy?
- They arn't even used that way in my book, you only see them as battle ships and transport. No.

25. Do you not know when the hay baler was invented?
- I don't know one No, but they seem pretty cool, you know as far as rakes go. Oh the answer was No.

26. Did you draw a map for your novel which includes places named things like "The Blasted Lands" or "The Forest of Fear" or "The Desert of Desolation" or absolutely anything "of Doom"?
- No just maps with complicated names like "Anmpshipsts," thats not an acronym thats the actual name.

27. Does your novel contain a prologue that is impossible to understand until you've read the entire book, if even then?
- No prolouge here.

28. Is this the first book in a planned trilogy?
- Okay dont even think about abandoning here. Whats the deal here. Its the tune it really is the tune. Almost every fantasy is a trilogy, it started with trilogies. Me, I can smell that miles away. But for once the answer has to be yes. It doesnt matter though alot of people probably said yes to this one, you know. Its trilogitacualr, Id say the amount of people who said it on average is anywhere between 8 and 4509709. Thats about as fine as I can get, you know 4509709 isnt even close to the highest amount.

29. How about a quintet or a decalogue?
- No and I dont want to repeat myself.

30. Is your novel thicker than a New York City phone book?
- How thick exactly is that, is it even possible to make a novel with that many pages, they would have to be very thin paper because I simiply rub my finger on a page in one of the phone books and I have the battle of Helms Deep in the phone booth but as paper.

31. Did absolutely nothing happen in the previous book you wrote, yet you figure you're still many sequels away from finishing your "story"?
- This is actually my first book. I wouldnt say many sequels but quite a few. No.

32. Are you writing prequels to your as-yet-unfinished series of books?
- No Im not George Lucas

33. Is your name Robert Jordan and you lied like a dog to get this far?
- No Im not Robert Jordan and Im certainly not George Lucas, okay im done with that joke I actually like Star Wars. If it wernt for Star Wars there would be no Eragon. Okay that was a joke to.

34. Is your novel based on the adventures of your role-playing group?
- No Im not writing World of Warcraft.

35. Does your novel contain characters transported from the real world to a fantasy realm?
- No, there is no real world.

36. Do any of your main characters have apostrophes or dashes in their names?
- I never really met or known anyone with those in their name. No.

37. Do any of your main characters have names longer than three syllables?
- Longer you say? No.

38. Do you see nothing wrong with having two characters from the same small isolated village being named "Tim Umber" and "Belthusalanthalus al'Grinsok"?
- No. Those are messed up names by the way, though Umber sounds pretty cool.

39. Does your novel contain orcs, elves, dwarves, or halflings?
- Of those four only elves and there pretty minor, I believe there are mentioned once and in a single part of the Novel. No serious character or former character is an elf.

40. How about "orken" or "dwerrows"?
- What the F**K are those. Just kidding and apologizes for swearing. No those arnt in the story.

41. Do you have a race prefixed by "half-"?
- No. I believe we went over that.

42. At any point in your novel, do the main characters take a shortcut through ancient dwarven mines?
- There are mines but they don't belong to dwarfs and are certianly not ancient. No.

43. Do you write your battle scenes by playing them out in your favorite RPG?
- No.

44. Have you done up game statistics for all of your main characters in your favorite RPG?
- It wouldn't be much of a novel but rather some kind of 'Choose Your Own Adventure' book.

45. Are you writing a work-for-hire for Wizards of the Coast?
- Huh? No.

46. Do inns in your book exist solely so your main characters can have brawls?
- No main character had a brawl in a inn. No.

47. Do you think you know how feudalism worked but really don't?
- No I didnt understand any of that question.

48. Do your characters spend an inordinate amount of time journeying from place to place?
- Define inordinate I will see myself hold on..............................Oh beyond reasonable limits. No.

49. Could one of your main characters tell the other characters something that would really help them in their quest but refuses to do so just so it won't break the plot?
- No only one character goes on a quest the others kinds just follow along.

50. Do any of the magic users in your novel cast spells easily identifiable as "fireball" or "lightning bolt"?
- Theres actually a diffrence between powers ans pells in the story its very complex to describe. No.

51. Do you ever use the term "mana" in your novel?
- No

52. Do you ever use the term "plate mail" in your novel?
- No

53. Heaven help you, do you ever use the term "hit points" in your novel?
- No, that would be kind of funny if someone did that though.

54. Do you not realize how much gold actually weighs?
- No, gold weighs like a lot. If there was a sword made gold, I can guarntee anyone who reads this will not have the strength to lift it up.

55. Do you think horses can gallop all day long without rest?
- No, nothing can gallop forever. That is if God morphed into a horse than I would have to change my mind on that. If you were wondering that does not happen in my story.

56. Does anybody in your novel fight for two hours straight in full plate armor, then ride a horse for four hours, then delicately make love to a willing barmaid all in the same day?
- If it were me I would just skip to the barmaid part. JK again Im not some disrespectful pig. No. A fighter like that, would have to drink lots of Red Bull to do that. I meant evreything that time not just the barmaid thing.

57. Does your main character have a magic axe, hammer, spear, or other weapon that returns to him when he throws it?
- No weapons just returns to someone, unless they were a JEDI, sorry Lucas. Actually though it doesnt happen. No.

58. Does anybody in your novel ever stab anybody with a scimitar?
- Wouldnt. that go right though the person and possibly tear them in two? That ansnwer is yes. But for question 58. No.

59. Does anybody in your novel stab anybody straight through plate armor?
- Who would be dumb enough to do that? Cough..."SOMEONES NAME HERE", JK. No.

60. Do you think swords weigh ten pounds or more? [info]
- Nah, a lot of characters would suck if that were true,

61. Does your hero fall in love with an unattainable woman, whom he later attains?
- No the two actually both like each other but didnt know.

62. Does a large portion of the humor in your novel consist of puns?
- No.

63. Is your hero able to withstand multiple blows from the fantasy equivalent of a ten pound sledge but is still threatened by a small woman with a dagger?
- What small woman threatens someone with a dagger? No.

64. Do you really think it frequently takes more than one arrow in the chest to kill a man?
- That depends on what arrow and how strong it was shot, but in reality the simpliest shot and go right thorugh you. No.

65. Do you not realize it takes hours to make a good stew, making it a poor choice for an "on the road" meal?
- No. None of the characters make stew anyway.

66. Do you have nomadic barbarians living on the tundra and consuming barrels and barrels of mead?
- No.

67. Do you think that "mead" is just a fancy name for "beer"?
- No, in fact I don't even know what it is.

68. Does your story involve a number of different races, each of which has exactly one country, one ruler, and one religion?
- Most of the story takes place in a single country that was isolated form the rest of the world. No.

69. Is the best organized and most numerous group of people in your world the thieves' guild?
- There are basically only two Guilds and neither are thieves. No.

70. Does your main villain punish insignificant mistakes with death?
- No, otherwise he would have to promote more Storm Troopers like Vader. Srry again.

71. Is your story about a crack team of warriors that take along a bard who is useless in a fight, though he plays a mean lute?
- No one plays a mean lute. No.

72. Is "common" the official language of your world?
- No nothing exactly is consisdered official, its just common. Plus like I said its a single country not the world.

73. Is the countryside in your novel littered with tombs and gravesites filled with ancient magical loot that nobody thought to steal centuries before?
- Only one Tomb is actually visited, but it was in the middle of the ocean and doesnt contian any values. No.

74. Is your book basically a rip-off of The Lord of the Rings?
- No and not of Star Wars euther. If it was it wouldnt be the first time. (Just Kidding)

75. Read that question again and answer truthfully.
-No. There I said it. You all heard. I got 99 witnessess. I am actually glad it isnt a rip off. I actually like and respect Tolkien even though hes dead. He was a Christinan and Conservative, he had intrest in those things you know. Did you know most of Lord of The Rings was based on Tolkiens experinces in WWI. Anway I answered. I will just say it again. NO!!!

These were honest answers. I dont really approve about some of these questions though. I especially was not comfortable with the trilogy thing. The writer of the exam was probably nervous that somone who said yes would be a best selling author like JK Rowling. Unlike her however I hope to give a much more better ending. Im just joking there or maybe im not. No. If anyone does take this quiz I would like to say the trilogy one should not count! Oh sorry if I made a big error in spelling or something I didnt type this on a word processor.

This was hilarious! And I can happily say that my answer was no to all of these questions. ^_^ This is very useful and insanely entertaining. Thanks for sharing!

Only one applied to me...



what's wrong with trilogies!

That trilogy question really has to go. I dont mean to the bathroom, I meant out of the exam.

LOL I answered this in my blog. I agree though - I don't see what's that terrible about trilogies.

Sureal wrote:I don't know what's more amazing/sad: that Snoink went through every single of those points and answered them, or that I actually just read through her entire post.

ROTFLOL!
i considered reading it, but decided I was too lazy. besides, i'm too busy writing my ORIGINAL fantasy story (take that, writers of the quiz!).

i answered yes to about four of the questions. what in the world, may I ask, is wrong with portals? portals are doors. doors occur in any book that has houses. therefore, it is not unoriginal, it is necessary. *is grumpy*

same goes for trilogies. if not for trilogies we wouldn't have the Circle Trilogy. or the Chosen trilogy. and if we didn't have decalogues the Pendragon series would not exist. so THERE stupid stereotyping people! :P
since fire is the central idea of my story (it's called FIREBRAND), i can't really cure Brand of his fire-throwing abilities. and besides, they are not fireballs. they are SHIELDS. so much cooler.

what is a hay baler?

Mwa-ha-ha-ha. This was fun, but some of the questions don't really make sense.


8. Does your novel contain a character whose sole purpose is to show up at random plot points and dispense information?
I don’t think so.


14. How about "a wise, mystical sage who refuses to give away plot details for his own personal, mysterious reasons"?
Mystical? NO. Sage? NO. Wise? Okay, I must plead guilty to giving her that characteristic.

15. Do the female characters in your novel spend a lot of time worrying about how they look, especially when the male main character is around?
NO. They hate having to primp all the time. Did I mention most of them’re princesses?

16. Do any of your female characters exist solely to be captured and rescued?
Solely? NO, although I might have one or both princesses kidnapped at some point.

20. Is any character in your novel best described as "a dour dwarf"?
NOpe, no dwarves—oh, wait, there might be. I ain’t decided yet.

21. How about "a half-elf torn between his human and elven heritage"?
Half-elf? Yeah, three of them. Torn? NO.

22. Did you make the elves and the dwarves great friends, just to be different?
They never meet.

25. Do you not know when the hay baler was invented?
What the heck?! Who cares? This is fantasy, not historical fiction. Besides, they have haystacks instead.

26. Did you draw a map for your novel which includes places named things like "The Blasted Lands" or "The Forest of Fear" or "The Desert of Desolation" or absolutely anything "of Doom"?
Did I draw a map? NO, but someone else did.

37. Do any of your main characters have names longer than three syllables?
HECK YES!!!

38. Do you see nothing wrong with having two characters from the same small isolated village being named "Tim Umber" and "Belthusalanthalus al'Grinsok"?
Those are stupid names. And usually towns are all of one race, and these names definitely are not. I would guess Tim Umber to be a human or humanoid, and what’s-his-face to be an orc-like creature.

39. Does your novel contain orcs, elves, dwarves, or halflings?
ALL OF THE ABOVE!!!! Plus a few others, and a couple mixed races.

41. Do you have a race prefixed by "half-"?
Um—kind of.

42. At any point in your novel, do the main characters take a shortcut through ancient dwarven mines?
Ooh, I like that idea! I think I’ll use it!

45. Are you writing a work-for-hire for Wizards of the Coast?
Whatever that is—NO.

49. Could one of your main characters tell the other characters something that would really help them in their quest but refuses to do so just so it won't break the plot?
I’m not sure yet. They don’t really have a quest.

50. Do any of the magic users in your novel cast spells easily identifiable as "fireball" or "lightning bolt"?
Sometimes but not very often.

55. Do you think horses can gallop all day long without rest?
Depends on the horse. Magic horses can. Hehe.

56. Does anybody in your novel fight for two hours straight in full plate armor, then ride a horse for four hours, then delicately make love to a willing barmaid all in the same day?
Uhhhhhhhhh…NO. NO. NO. Anyway, that’s ridiculous.

57. Does your main character have a magic axe, hammer, spear, or other weapon that returns to him when he throws it?
They don’t throw things…at least not the main characters, but NO.

58. Does anybody in your novel ever stab anybody with a scimitar?
Scimitars aren’t for stabbing. Now daggers, that’s a whole ‘nother issue…

59. Does anybody in your novel stab anybody straight through plate armor?
Maybe in flashbacks—or maybe with magic.

60. Do you think swords weigh ten pounds or more? [info]
Maybe if they’re not well-forged, but usually they’re lighter.

61. Does your hero fall in love with an unattainable woman, whom he later attains?
I don’t have a hero…


64. Do you really think it frequently takes more than one arrow in the chest to kill a man?
Depends on where it is.

65. Do you not realize it takes hours to make a good stew, making it a poor choice for an "on the road" meal?
NO, but soup is quick.

70. Does your main villain punish insignificant mistakes with death?
I don’t have a main villain—he’s destroyed by now.

72. Is "common" the official language of your world?
“Common” is common, yes, but NOt official. There’s other languages too.

74. Is your book basically a rip-off of The Lord of the Rings?
Um...do fanfics count?

75. Read that question again and answer truthfully.
See above answer.

4. Is your story about a young character who comes of age, gains great power, and defeats the supreme badguy?
Well, sorta. She does 'come of age' by learning and accepting the responsibility placed upon her shoulders, and by doing so she gains some power but had a lot to begin with. As for "supreme badguy", there is no such thing. Which makes this a 'No'.

10. Is the evil supreme badguy secretly the father of your main character?
"No. I am your father." (If we are referencing Star Wars here, wasn't the Emperor the supreme badguy? I love being technical. ) Oh, and my answer's no. 'Cause there isn't an "evil supreme badguy".

14. How about "a wise, mystical sage who refuses to give away plot details for his own personal, mysterious reasons"?
Yes, I guess...He's not really a sage, but he does have legitimate reasons for not giving the only hidden plot detail away. Plus, he was ordered not to tell until a certain point for said reasons.

21. How about "a half-elf torn between his human and elven heritage"?
No? She's less than half-elf, but whatever bit of her is torn between her human and elven heritage is merely mentioned once or twice. It's not that important to her.

24. Do you think that the only two uses for ships are fishing and piracy?
No. This is just laughable.

25. Do you not know when the hay baler was invented?
Yes, I don't know when the hay baler was invented. But it doesn't exist during the time my story takes place. I think that makes this an irrelevant question.

26. Did you draw a map for your novel which includes places named things like "The Blasted Lands" or "The Forest of Fear" or "The Desert of Desolation" or absolutely anything "of Doom"?
Not yet, but what about places that are truly dark, dangerous, and to be avoided? Those places would be given appropriate names that warn of their dangers, wouldn't they?

28. Is this the first book in a planned trilogy?
No. It's the first of two books, and I'm utterly devoted to keep it from becoming a trilogy. However, it did gain a prequel recently, but only because the back story of two of the characters is so strong that they needed their own book. That shouldn't count as a trilogy, considering the prequel doesn't have a lot to do with the other two, just sets up the past for two characters.

32. Are you writing prequels to your as-yet-unfinished series of books?
See above. Does that count as a yes?

33. Is your name Robert Jordan and you lied like a dog to get this far?
Oh noes, I've been found out!! o.o

39. Does your novel contain orcs, elves, dwarves, or halflings?
Yes, elves. But my elves are different!

47. Do you think you know how feudalism worked but really don't?
Nope, and I've got the books to prove it.

52. Do you ever use the term "plate mail" in your novel?
Perhaps. I haven't decided on what sort of armour they have. And what's wrong with plate mail? They might have the right technology/stuff for it in my world, and it might not make since not to have it. Again, I don't really have an answer for this.

55. Do you think horses can gallop all day long without rest?
Poor things. Another question should be "Do you not know how much upkeep a horse needs?" Once again, poor things.

61. Does your [s]hero[/s]heroine fall in love with an unattainable [s]woman[/s]man, whom she later attains?

No. Sexist.

64. Do you really think it frequently takes more than one arrow in the chest to kill a man?
Depends on the armour, the archer/bow, and where the arrow hits/accuracy. For instance, some armour has padding underneath that only the arrows shot from stronger bows can pierce. Other soldiers may wear chain mail, which is rather hard for arrows to penetrate (if I remember this stuff correctly). Plus, ever hear of Boromir? (I know he's fictional, but that's such an awesome scene)

65. Do you not realize it takes hours to make a good stew, making it a poor choice for an "on the road" meal?
Key word: Good. But that's not what I have them eat, anyway.

72. Is "common" the official language of your world?
Currently, there are accents, and possibly local slang. I haven't developed other languages yet, because I haven't had the time. Plus, it's hard. >.<

Four out of seventy-five. Yay.

Haha. This is funny.

1. Does nothing happen in the first fifty pages?
Are you talking about my novel? It starts with the action!

2. Is your main character a young farmhand with mysterious parentage?
Um, no. I'm not interested in writing about farmers.

3. Is your main character the heir to the throne but doesn't know it?
No. I also don't like writing about royalty.

4. Is your story about a young character who comes of age, gains great power, and defeats the supreme badguy?
Haha. You wish.

5. Is your story about a quest for a magical artifact that will save the world?
No. The ultimate cliche.

6. How about one that will destroy it?
Nope.

7. Does your story revolve around an ancient prophecy about "The One" who will save the world and everybody and all the forces of good?
Nope. I'm not J.K. Rowling.

8. Does your novel contain a character whose sole purpose is to show up at random plot points and dispense information?
Sorry, too weird and stupid.

9. Does your novel contain a character that is really a god in disguise?
My friend wanted me to write about it, and then I tried to explain to her what a cliche was...

10. Is the evil supreme badguy secretly the father of your main character?
*Gasps* Of course not! How could that happen?

11. Is the king of your world a kindly king duped by an evil magician?
Nope.

12. Does "a forgetful wizard" describe any of the characters in your novel?
No. That's dumb.

13. How about "a powerful but slow and kind-hearted warrior"?
Umm, nope.

14. How about "a wise, mystical sage who refuses to give away plot details for his own personal, mysterious reasons"?
*sighs* No again.

15. Do the female characters in your novel spend a lot of time worrying about how they look, especially when the male main character is around?
My main character is pretty much a tomboy.

16. Do any of your female characters exist solely to be captured and rescued?
Sexist!

17. Do any of your female characters exist solely to embody feminist ideals?
No.

18. Would "a clumsy cooking wench more comfortable with a frying pan than a sword" aptly describe any of your female characters?
No. Now what's with the female characters?

19. Would "a fearless warrioress more comfortable with a sword than a frying pan" aptly describe any of your female characters?
No!

20. Is any character in your novel best described as "a dour dwarf"?
No dwarfs.

21. How about "a half-elf torn between his human and elven heritage"?
Well, there is a half-elf, but she doesn't mind her heritage.

22. Did you make the elves and the dwarves great friends, just to be different?
Nope.

23. Does everybody under four feet tall exist solely for comic relief?
Nope.

24. Do you think that the only two uses for ships are fishing and piracy?
Haha. No.

25. Do you not know when the hay baler was invented?
Huh.

26. Did you draw a map for your novel which includes places named things like "The Blasted Lands" or "The Forest of Fear" or "The Desert of Desolation" or absolutely anything "of Doom"?
No.

27. Does your novel contain a prologue that is impossible to understand until you've read the entire book, if even then?
No prologue.

28. Is this the first book in a planned trilogy?
I'm not sure if it will be a trilogy or not yet, so it isn't planned.

29. How about a quintet or a decalogue?
See above.

30. Is your novel thicker than a New York City phone book?
I wish.

31. Did absolutely nothing happen in the previous book you wrote, yet you figure you're still many sequels away from finishing your "story"?
This is my first novel.

32. Are you writing prequels to your as-yet-unfinished series of books?
No.

33. Is your name Robert Jordan and you lied like a dog to get this far?
Is this a joke?

34. Is your novel based on the adventures of your role-playing group?
No.

35. Does your novel contain characters transported from the real world to a fantasy realm?
Sorry, no.

36. Do any of your main characters have apostrophes or dashes in their names?
Thankfully, no.

37. Do any of your main characters have names longer than three syllables?
Nope. The longest is three syllables.

38. Do you see nothing wrong with having two characters from the same small isolated village being named "Tim Umber" and "Belthusalanthalus al'Grinsok"?
Um, there is definitely something wrong with that.

39. Does your novel contain orcs, elves, dwarves, or halflings?
Elves only.

40. How about "orken" or "dwerrows"?
What the heck?

41. Do you have a race prefixed by "half-"?
Sadly, yes.

42. At any point in your novel, do the main characters take a shortcut through ancient dwarven mines?
No.

43. Do you write your battle scenes by playing them out in your favorite RPG?
No.

44. Have you done up game statistics for all of your main characters in your favorite RPG?
No.

45. Are you writing a work-for-hire for Wizards of the Coast?
No.

46. Do inns in your book exist solely so your main characters can have brawls?
No. I'm tired of saying no!

47. Do you think you know how feudalism worked but really don't?
Huh.

48. Do your characters spend an inordinate amount of time journeying from place to place?
No.

49. Could one of your main characters tell the other characters something that would really help them in their quest but refuses to do so just so it won't break the plot?
No.

50. Do any of the magic users in your novel cast spells easily identifiable as "fireball" or "lightning bolt"?
No.

51. Do you ever use the term "mana" in your novel?
No.

52. Do you ever use the term "plate mail" in your novel?
No.

53. Heaven help you, do you ever use the term "hit points" in your novel?
Ew, Pokemon. No way!

54. Do you not realize how much gold actually weighs?
Haha. It's very heavy.

55. Do you think horses can gallop all day long without rest?
Of course not. Animal abuse!

56. Does anybody in your novel fight for two hours straight in full plate armor, then ride a horse for four hours, then delicately make love to a willing barmaid all in the same day?
Um, no.

57. Does your main character have a magic axe, hammer, spear, or other weapon that returns to him when he throws it?
Haha, no. Boomerang!

58. Does anybody in your novel ever stab anybody with a scimitar?
No.

59. Does anybody in your novel stab anybody straight through plate armor?
No. Unlikely.

60. Do you think swords weigh ten pounds or more? [info]
I don't really care and it doesn't affect my story.

61. Does your hero fall in love with an unattainable woman, whom he later attains?
No.

62. Does a large portion of the humor in your novel consist of puns?
No.

63. Is your hero able to withstand multiple blows from the fantasy equivalent of a ten pound sledge but is still threatened by a small woman with a dagger?
No.

64. Do you really think it frequently takes more than one arrow in the chest to kill a man?
Of course not! It's deadly!

65. Do you not realize it takes hours to make a good stew, making it a poor choice for an "on the road" meal?
I have common sense. That's why they don't sell stew at McDonald's.

66. Do you have nomadic barbarians living on the tundra and consuming barrels and barrels of mead?
No.

67. Do you think that "mead" is just a fancy name for "beer"?
No.

68. Does your story involve a number of different races, each of which has exactly one country, one ruler, and one religion?
No.

69. Is the best organized and most numerous group of people in your world the thieves' guild?
No.

70. Does your main villain punish insignificant mistakes with death?
No.

71. Is your story about a crack team of warriors that take along a bard who is useless in a fight, though he plays a mean lute?
No.

72. Is "common" the official language of your world?
No.

73. Is the countryside in your novel littered with tombs and gravesites filled with ancient magical loot that nobody thought to steal centuries before?
*Sighs* No. Can I tap a nap now?

74. Is your book basically a rip-off of The Lord of the Rings?
No. I'm not very fond of LOTR.

75. Read that question again and answer truthfully.
YOU THINK I'M LYING??? Lord of the Rings is not my thing.

That took really long. Eek, two I said yes to! Is that bad?

The Exam

1. Does nothing happen in the first fifty pages?

EVERYTHING happens within the first fifty pages.
2. Is your main character a young farmhand with mysterious parentage?

Uh, no, definitely not.
3. Is your main character the heir to the throne but doesn't know it?
No.
4. Is your story about a young character who comes of age, gains great power, and defeats the supreme badguy?

She's already of age, she does gain some power, but she doesn't defeat anyone...actually, I think by the end she's going to discover more weakness than power. Reverse psychology.
5. Is your story about a quest for a magical artifact that will save the world?

Nope.

6. How about one that will destroy it?

Nope.
7. Does your story revolve around an ancient prophecy about "The One" who will save the world and everybody and all the forces of good?

Prophecy...yes. Saving the world...kind of, but not really. I'm not saying anything else.

8. Does your novel contain a character whose sole purpose is to show up at random plot points and dispense information?

No...

9. Does your novel contain a character that is really a god in disguise?

No.

10. Is the evil supreme badguy secretly the father of your main character?

My supreme badguy isn't human, so that wouldn't work.

11. Is the king of your world a kindly king duped by an evil magician?

Nope.

12. Does "a forgetful wizard" describe any of the characters in your novel?

No.

13. How about "a powerful but slow and kind-hearted warrior"?

He's not at all slow, and he's not especially kind-hearted.

14. How about "a wise, mystical sage who refuses to give away plot details for his own personal, mysterious reasons"?

No.

15. Do the female characters in your novel spend a lot of time worrying about how they look, especially when the male main character is around?

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA...no. A very firm, emphatic NO.

16. Do any of your female characters exist solely to be captured and rescued?

No. Ew.

17. Do any of your female characters exist solely to embody feminist ideals?

Nope.

18. Would "a clumsy cooking wench more comfortable with a frying pan than a sword" aptly describe any of your female characters?

No, no, no, no, no, NO!

19. Would "a fearless warrioress more comfortable with a sword than a frying pan" aptly describe any of your female characters?

She wouldn't know what a warrioress is...

20. Is any character in your novel best described as "a dour dwarf"?

No dwarves.

21. How about "a half-elf torn between his human and elven heritage"?

No elves either.

22. Did you make the elves and the dwarves great friends, just to be different?

Did you hear what I said?

23. Does everybody under four feet tall exist solely for comic relief?

Sort of...but he's a third grader, so yeah.

24. Do you think that the only two uses for ships are fishing and piracy?

No ships.

25. Do you not know when the hay baler was invented?

Um...no? Is that bad?

26. Did you draw a map for your novel which includes places named things like "The Blasted Lands" or "The Forest of Fear" or "The Desert of Desolation" or absolutely anything "of Doom"?

No...

27. Does your novel contain a prologue that is impossible to understand until you've read the entire book, if even then?

No, the prologue's pretty clear.

28. Is this the first book in a planned trilogy?

Yes. Sue me.

29. How about a quintet or a decalogue?

Nope. Just the trilogy.

30. Is your novel thicker than a New York City phone book?

No. It would be nice to write that effortlessly.

31. Did absolutely nothing happen in the previous book you wrote, yet you figure you're still many sequels away from finishing your "story"?

This is the first.

32. Are you writing prequels to your as-yet-unfinished series of books?

I don't think I can...

33. Is your name Robert Jordan and you lied like a dog to get this far?

That would be nice - I'd be pretty wealthy - but no.

34. Is your novel based on the adventures of your role-playing group?

Ha, no.

35. Does your novel contain characters transported from the real world to a fantasy realm?

*gets defensive* Yes...

36. Do any of your main characters have apostrophes or dashes in their names?

No.

37. Do any of your main characters have names longer than three syllables?

No.

38. Do you see nothing wrong with having two characters from the same small isolated village being named "Tim Umber" and "Belthusalanthalus al'Grinsok"?

No...did you make those up yourself?

39. Does your novel contain orcs, elves, dwarves, or halflings?

No. So there.

40. How about "orken" or "dwerrows"?

None of those either.

41. Do you have a race prefixed by "half-"?

Nope.

42. At any point in your novel, do the main characters take a shortcut through ancient dwarven mines?

Ha! No. Good one.

43. Do you write your battle scenes by playing them out in your favorite RPG?

No, but it might be helpful. I suck at battle scenes.

44. Have you done up game statistics for all of your main characters in your favorite RPG?

Video games rot your brain.

45. Are you writing a work-for-hire for Wizards of the Coast?

No...Who's that?

46. Do inns in your book exist solely so your main characters can have brawls?

No inns. Just the Council Hall, and they're not very welcoming, so it definitely doesn't count.

47. Do you think you know how feudalism worked but really don't?

I know how it works, butthead.

48. Do your characters spend an inordinate amount of time journeying from place to place?

Sort of.

49. Could one of your main characters tell the other characters something that would really help them in their quest but refuses to do so just so it won't break the plot?

One of my main characters could tell the other character something about her lethal disease but refuses to do so just so it won't break the plot and he won't be slaughtered and reduced to a pile of ash. Make sense?

50. Do any of the magic users in your novel cast spells easily identifiable as "fireball" or "lightning bolt"?

It's a shield.

51. Do you ever use the term "mana" in your novel?

That's in Exodus...what does it have to do with fantasy?

52. Do you ever use the term "plate mail" in your novel?

Nope. My warriors are too tough for mail.

53. Heaven help you, do you ever use the term "hit points" in your novel?

HAHAHA. You're funny.

54. Do you not realize how much gold actually weighs?

Nope, but it's not relevant.

55. Do you think horses can gallop all day long without rest?

I live in a community that uses horses more than cars...I know horses, dude.

56. Does anybody in your novel fight for two hours straight in full plate armor, then ride a horse for four hours, then delicately make love to a willing barmaid all in the same day?

Dear Lord, no.

57. Does your main character have a magic axe, hammer, spear, or other weapon that returns to him when he throws it?

Nope.

58. Does anybody in your novel ever stab anybody with a scimitar?

No.

59. Does anybody in your novel stab anybody straight through plate armor?

Nope.

60. Do you think swords weigh ten pounds or more? [info]

I wouldn't know, but I don't think so.

61. Does your hero fall in love with an unattainable woman, whom he later attains?

Kind of...I guess...but not really.

62. Does a large portion of the humor in your novel consist of puns?

No. My characters are too cool for that, too.

63. Is your hero able to withstand multiple blows from the fantasy equivalent of a ten pound sledge but is still threatened by a small woman with a dagger?

*laughs hysterically*

64. Do you really think it frequently takes more than one arrow in the chest to kill a man?

No arrows.

65. Do you not realize it takes hours to make a good stew, making it a poor choice for an "on the road" meal?

This is true.

66. Do you have nomadic barbarians living on the tundra and consuming barrels and barrels of mead?

No...weird.

67. Do you think that "mead" is just a fancy name for "beer"?

It's not. It's fermented honey. What now?!

68. Does your story involve a number of different races, each of which has exactly one country, one ruler, and one religion?

Nope.

69. Is the best organized and most numerous group of people in your world the thieves' guild?

Nope.


70. Does your main villain punish insignificant mistakes with death?

Nope.

71. Is your story about a crack team of warriors that take along a bard who is useless in a fight, though he plays a mean lute?

*is getting tired* NO.

72. Is "common" the official language of your world?

No.

73. Is the countryside in your novel littered with tombs and gravesites filled with ancient magical loot that nobody thought to steal centuries before?

No magical loot.

74. Is your book basically a rip-off of The Lord of the Rings?

Great Gandalf, no. :D

75. Read that question again and answer truthfully.

Just leave me alone.
[/quote]



:shock: I can't believe I just filled out that entire thing. I need a life.

It was fun though. :D

Elelel wrote:Just have a chuckle and think of all the fantasy stories you've read that would fail in a second.

That was probably the funnest part XD...so far none that I read have passed

I don't get a lot of these things. "Do any of your main characters have names longer than three syllables?" Yes, but so what? I agree with Zeige. Fantasy isn't about following a set of guidelines(especially one's that don't even make sense. What's wrong with a trillogy?).

Does nothing happen in the first fifty pages?
There is nothing wrong with the first fifty pages, those pages are doing great. There like crammed hot pockets.

Is your main character a young farmhand with mysterious parentage?
He isnt, and if he was than your young farmhand would be gone 'away' 'dead' TO TAKE HIS PLACE!

Is your main character the heir to the throne but doesn't know it?
If he was Aragorn than the answer would be. MAYBE

Is your story about a young character who comes of age, gains great power, and defeats the supreme badguy?
Exuse me! Give the supreme bad guy some respect! Hes got a life too! As if any hero could do all that, except ninjas.

Is your story about a quest for a magical artifact that will save the world?
A portal isn’t and artifact, or the key to it anyhow.

How about one that will destroy it?
If that were ture, THAN I WOULD DESTROY YOU!

Does your story revolve around an ancient prophecy about "The One" who will save the world and everybody and all the forces of good?
Nope no prophecy, the only prohecy here is to kill you after this is done.

Does your novel contain a character whose sole purpose is to show up at random plot points and dispense information?
I dont know any novel that does that. And if there was one, I could use some information on the nearest Mcdonalds.

Does your novel contain a character that is really a god in disguise?
There is only one GOD in my novel, kind of going the Christian-fantasy road here, no he is not in any disguise.

Is the evil supreme badguy secretly the father of your main character?
Is yours?

Is the king of your world a kindly king duped by an evil magician?
No the 'KING' is having a hard time taking care of the Reactionary Revolutionaries, those guys are tough, with a capital THEY WILL KILL YOU!

Does "a forgetful wizard" describe any of the characters in your novel?
Ya a wizard wouldn't be wise if he was forgetful, than hed be dead.

How about "a powerful but slow and kind-hearted warrior"?
Hey! Its not nice to call someone slow, its not their fault. No nobody in my novel is slow, bunch of intolerant questions! >:(

How about "a wise, mystical sage who refuses to give away plot details for his own personal, mysterious reasons"?
The only mysterious reasons are, how come Wal Mart has such low low prices!

Do the female characters in your novel spend a lot of time worrying about how they look, especially when the male main character is around?
Nah their always too serious. They mostly have a serious face that says, 'you stare down at me long enough and I will shove this sword up your eye socket!"

Do any of your female characters exist solely to be captured and rescued?
Nah none of them get captured. They would kill the capturer, after they kill you!

Do any of your female characters exist solely to embody feminist ideals?
Whats wrong with feminism? You Radical Pig! But no they talk about what they did in the past blah blah years.

Would "a clumsy cooking wench more comfortable with a frying pan than a sword" aptly describe any of your female characters?
No. None of my characters have been or probably ever will go to Wal Mart, despite that they have like everything there, and at such low prices!

Would "a fearless warrioress more comfortable with a sword than a frying pan" aptly describe any of your female characters?
None of my characters are batwomen with a sword. Batman and Robin was the worst film, DARK KNIGHT is the best!

Is any character in your novel best described as "a dour dwarf"?
Did you say dumb dwarf, ill tell ya Gimli has a rob zombie thing going on and he doesnt look happy about you saying that, luckily his kind isnt in my book, otherwise they would have killed you.

How about "a half-elf torn between his human and elven heritage"?
A human and an elf, why are these questions getting perverted?

Did you make the elves and the dwarves great friends, just to be different?
Elves are mentioned in a conversation. No not about mating with humans.

Does everybody under four feet tall exist solely for comic relief?
Hey! Children being slain by six-foot tall revolutionaries isn’t funny! Unless dwarf was running away like a girl in the middle of the scene, (sorry Gimli)but still!

Do you think that the only two uses for ships are fishing and piracy?
Arr! No, ships are for trading and travelling, and saying ARR MATEY! I"S BE GOIN TO KILL YE NOW!

Do you not know when the hay baler was invented?
Um, 1589? Wait wasnt that the date when, YOU DIE!

Did you draw a map for your novel which includes places named things like "The Blasted Lands" or "The Forest of Fear" or "The Desert of Desolation" or absolutely anything "of Doom"?
I didnt make a map yet. No I will not name something the Beor Doom Isengard Mountains of Super Doom! *that kill you*

Does your novel contain a prologue that is impossible to understand until you've read the entire book, if even then?
That make the prolouge pointless then. I dont use them, I dislike them, its cheap in my opinion, unless it has something cool, like monsters, and nazis, and gunfire, jee isnt Hell Boy a good movie?

Is this the first book in a planned trilogy?
Is Quadrilogy or what ever you call a five piece work out of the question. I honestly dont know how big the story will be after the first book. That is if doesnt kill you first!

How about a quintet or a decalogue?
Decalouge? Thats a fansy name for 'another boring prolouge, unless thers monsters, and nazis, and gunfire, jee isnt Hell boy a good movie?'

Is your novel thicker than a New York City phone book?
Thats one big book, honestly Im worried itll be too thin, Anorexic book so to speak.

Did absolutely nothing happen in the previous book you wrote, yet you figure you're still many sequels away from finishing your "story"?
I wrote a previous book? I must be stephen king, hurray! Time To Kill random characters.

Are you writing prequels to your as-yet-unfinished series of books?
prequels? arnt those more proluges that i find boring, unless there is monsters, nazis, and gunfire?

Is your name Robert Jordan and you lied like a dog to get this far?
Is Robert Jordan a prolouge? He should really go to wal mart, as zombie after I kill him.

Is your novel based on the adventures of your role-playing group?
If I played World of Warcraft how would I ever make time for my novel?

Does your novel contain characters transported from the real world to a fantasy realm?
It No Narnia Prolouge Wal Mart.

Do any of your main characters have apostrophes or dashes in their names?
How do you even pronounce those dull names, seriously? How many people in the world have the name Gal'hababey'toto?

Do any of your main characters have names longer than three syllables?
Da UMb Pro Log! No all my characters have four and five letter names.

Do you see nothing wrong with having two characters from the same small isolated village being named "Tim Umber" and "Belthusalanthalus al'Grinsok"?
I havn't even heard of those guys, maybe their from Soviet Russia. Ive killed lots there.

Does your novel contain orcs, elves, dwarves, or halflings?
halflings? Making fun of inocent children again? They got a life to live.

How about "orken" or "dwerrows"?
What book are those dudes from?

Do you have a race prefixed by "half-"?
How about this question is, half a prolouge, that is boring except if theres monsters, nazis and gunfire, gee do I like Hell Boy.

At any point in your novel, do the main characters take a shortcut through ancient dwarven mines?
Ancient Mines? Is that even possible?

Do you write your battle scenes by playing them out in your favorite RPG?
Nope my battle scenes are too short, except one part where the guy trips and this other guy is impaled in fonrt of him and the blood slats onto his face.

Have you done up game statistics for all of your main characters in your favorite RPG?
Mass Effect is Science Fantasy, were talkin High Fantasy right now, no none of the characters are like mine though.

Are you writing a work-for-hire for Wizards of the Coast?
Wizards exsist, oooh, grant me a wish. Oh wait what was it that granted wishes?

Do inns in your book exist solely so your main characters can have brawls?
It wouldnt be called an Inn if it had brawls, it would be called Prolouge Bar!

Do you think you know how feudalism worked but really don't?
Medieval Politics is RETRO! I created my own new government, a little democracy here, a little nationalist there, change up the titles a bit and voila, an original totally made up government, no feudalism necessary!

Do your characters spend an inordinate amount of time journeying from place to place?
Unless its really far but it never is, hehehe!

Could one of your main characters tell the other characters something that would really help them in their quest but refuses to do so just so it won't
break the plot?
That would totally ruin the prolouge set plot then!

Do any of the magic users in your novel cast spells easily identifiable as "fireball" or "lightning bolt"?
Try Massive Storms and Fire Flurries! How you like dem apples!

Do you ever use the term "mana" in your novel?
Mana? RETRO once more!

Do you ever use the term "plate mail" in your novel?
Nobody but soldiers wears metal, the main characters wear tunics, leater armour, and robes. Armour would put too much pressure on the poor horses, nobody ever feels sorry for them.

Heaven help you, do you ever use the term "hit points" in your novel?
Haha! Imagine if someone did that, dont worry I wont laugh, could you imagine if I was like that.

Do you not realize how much gold actually weighs?
Its like 1000$ and ounce, it obviouslly not a used currency in my book. I do the WOW thing, copper to, nickel, to silver or whatever.

Do you think horses can gallop all day long without rest?
I wish.

Does anybody in your novel fight for two hours straight in full plate armor, then ride a horse for four hours, then delicately make love to a willing barmaid all in the same day?
Unless he bought a full pack of Red Bull at Wal Mart for 4.99, then he would.

Does your main character have a magic axe, hammer, spear, or other weapon that returns to him when he throws it?
Nope they throw, they gotta pick it up, it everything returned to you when you threw it then I would have had an everlasting clean room. I also would have a lot of dead bodies at my feet.

Does anybody in your novel ever stab anybody with a scimitar?
No scimitars. Which is a shame because you can kill lots, they spin very well.

Des anybody in your novel stab anybody straight through plate armor?
The Hulk is not in this novel.

Do you think swords weigh ten pounds or more? [info]
No. With the exception of Excalibur, it must have weighed a lot to stay in the stone.

Does your hero fall in love with an unattainable woman, whom he later attains?
Nope instead he falls in love with someone who tried to kill him and the person who sent her kills her.

Does a large portion of the humor in your novel consist of puns?
Whats that?

Is your hero able to withstand multiple blows from the fantasy equivalent of a ten pound sledge but is still threatened by a small woman with a dagger?
Small women? Quit making fun of children.

Do you really think it frequently takes more than one arrow in the chest to kill a man?
Unless its a really tiny arrow than maybe.

Do you not realize it takes hours to make a good stew, making it a poor choice for an "on the road" meal?
Which book uses the option of stew? Stew isnt even mentioned in mine.

Do you have nomadic barbarians living on the tundra and consuming barrels and barrels of mead?
Barrels and Barrels would kill them from alcohol poisoning.

Do you think that "mead" is just a fancy name for "beer"?
No its a fancy name for alcohol with honey inside, yum.

Does your story involve a number of different races, each of which has exactly one country, one ruler, and one religion?
Nope.

Is the best organized and most numerous group of people in your world the thieves' guild?
There is only one guild, and that is for a magic weilding military force.

Does your main villain punish insignificant mistakes with death?
He must have a lot of minions to do that, Nope.

Is your story about a crack team of warriors that take along a bard who is useless in a fight, though he plays a mean lute?
No.

Is "common" the official language of your world?
Nope.

Is the countryside in your novel littered with tombs and gravesites filled with ancient magical loot that nobody thought to steal centuries before?
Nope. They all died trying to rebuild things so they can take them.

Is your book basically a rip-off of The Lord of the Rings?
Surprisingly, No.

Read that question again and answer truthfully.
No, and now is the moment of Death!

*none of the killing jokes are serious, all answers in the quiz are no for me.*