Sade's Folly

((It's cliché ! Don't hate me!))

Sade's Folly

Sade, daring cupid of this tale,
Lay under a tree and its veil
Of rouge flower and gold leaf.

Who came to sit by his side?
Who else but his lovely bride,
Wishing the talk to be brief.

“I love another,” she said,
As Sade tried hard not to shed
A drop of unwonted tears.

“Tell me who! I need a name!”
He spoke, his voice full of pain;
Unashamed, he bared his fears.

“I cannot tell,” which is a lie,
“I would go to hell, when I die.”
The liar blushed like a rose.

The livid Sade took out his knife,
And stabbed his cheating, loving wife,
The liar laid in repose.

And, oh, how cupid cried,
“Why is it that she died?”
It’s the fault of a jealous groom.

He lay upon his lover’s breast,
And pulled the knife out of her chest,
Thinking that they could share a tomb.

**blinks**

I kinda like it, and I kinda dont, LOL.

The rhyme scheme and rhythm seem a bit stilted; on the other hand, they lend a unique flavour to the cliche storyline which is quite appealing.

If you make the rhythm a bit tidier the rhyme wont be as choppy, and then I might be able to make up my mind about it, LOL. As a story poem, though, it is surprisingly direct, and refreshingly unsentimental. So kudos on that

Cheers,
~bubbles

How would you suggest to "tidy up the rhythm"? I'm new to poetry, and poetry editing...

I'm glad you are...indifferent on it? At least it isn't horrible.

Probably only my third or fourth time reading narrative poetry.

I really liked this a lot, Claudette. It's a very sad story and you express it well.

It's not as song-like as it could be. I believe that has to do with having three line stanzas? (Is my vocabulary right?)

It's a bit difficult to read through because of this but it's certainly worthy. Just sometimes it feels like there should be another sylable here and there.

Very twisted ending. Heh. I don't see what's cliche about it.

As always,

Miss POKE

I like it! Of course, I don't know much about poetry, but I like it!

Well, I guess by "tidy up" I mean, you need to keep the same number of beats/syllables in each line and establish a regular sort of pattern to accompany your rhyme scheme. You have most of it down pretty well, but there are some bits where you're a syllable short or long and it makes it read quite awkwardly. I would suggest that you try reading it out loud, and tapping out the rhythm (i.e. the stresses etc.) with your hand (if you're musical this shouldnt be much of a problem - it's like counting out the notes). Make sure that the number of stresses is the same in a kind of pattern, like, the first two lines are equal length, the last line is unequal (but equal to the other last lines). Um. If you see what I mean?

Sorry, I dont really know how to explain it better than that o_O

I really liked it! The rhythm was a bit...off but it seemed to work. At least in my opinion, though do take my crit with a grain of salt, I never write poetry of any kind XD.

Claudette wrote:“Tell me who? I need a name?”

May want to change the question mark to an exclamation point instead.

Claudette wrote:“I cannot tell,” which is a lie,
“I’d go to hell, when I die.”

I find this admission from the bride very interesting because it can be taken several ways. You can view it as the adultery with a male taking her to hell or to spice it up a bit make it a lesbian affair. But I'm just twisted like that. >:3

Claudette wrote:He lay upon his lover’s breast,
After pulling the knife from her chest,
Thinking that they could share a tomb.

This is by far, my favorite part of the poem. I think it tied it together rather nicely and created a morbidly beautiful ending.

Cheers!

LUNA

If I may attempt to clarify that which I know but can't explain all that well for Bubbles? Take this stanza:

Who came to sit by his side?
None other than his lovely bride,
Wishing to talk but be brief.

<< and do this

Who came to sit by his side?
None other than his lovely bride,
Wishing the talk to be but bfief.

Just play like that with all the stanzas until it flows. If it flows, it reads fluidly (ok, duh), and doesn't sound or feel awkward to read it. In other words? Invert those sentences! have some fun! And don't worry too much about cliche yet, clean this up and play with it at the same time -- results should be interesting.

I edited to fit most of the above spoken needs Or not...

OK, it works better now. There are a few lines which still strike me as awkward, mostly because of their structure:

Who came to sit by his side?
Who else? But his lovely bride,
Wishing the talk to be but brief.

OK, first, I dont think you need a question mark after "Who else" - grammatically, and for the sake of the poem, cause it implies a pause where there shouldnt be one. The last line ... well, I think the "but" should go from "but brief". It somehow doesnt seem right to me.

“I love another,” she said,
Causing Sade unneeded dread.
He held back unwonted tears.

You know I'm prejudiced against "dread" but now it's "unneeded" I'm picking on. Having both "unneeded" and "unwonted" in the same stanza seems like overkill. Maybe tweaking needed?

“I cannot tell,” which is a lie,
“I would go to hell, when I die.”
Her voice fell with a leaf.

Last line is pretty iffy. It sounds like "leaf" is intended to be an adjective or something, rather than, you know, a real leaf.

The livid Sade took out his knife,
And stabbed his cheating, loving wife,
Wheezing, she died a thief.

As a word, wheezing is singularly undignified and doesnt seem to fit with the otherwise romantic tone of the poem. Anything else you could use here? Also -- why does she die a thief? Do you mean, LIKE a thief? Or what?

He lay upon his lover’s breast,
And pulled the knife out of her chest,
Thinking that they could share a tomb.

I love this last stanza - the way you imply, but dont describe, his suicide, is really awesome.

Overall, this is a much better version

Cheers,
~bubbles

Claudette wrote:
“Tell me who? I need a name!”

This question mark could be changed to an exclamation mark.

This is a really nice poem. I's unerving, but it tells a story really well.

RR*

Thanks everyone! I don't think I ever said that.

I edited what Bubs mentioned (I'm going to call you bubs from now on). And I noticed the I thing RR but, alas, I don't think its very fixable, and I'm partial to not changing it

The only lines I'm worried about are these:
The liar blushed like a rose.
The liar laid in repose.

But I realized that using an l-word twice in a line (Which I did on accident!) makes it interesting. Oh well, I'll see what everyone else thinks.

And pulled the knife out of her chest,

>> It would read better as

And pulled the knife from her chest

>>It just breaks up the difficult flow of that line a little. Nice poem, cliche yes but unique done in 3 line stanzas. Although why cant we just call them verses? lol.

Thanks! And, You are right, it reads better the way you gave it, but that is seven syllables, and It needs to be eight. Maybe I'll take a look at it and see what I can do.

Is there a difference between stanza and verse? I've always known them to be stanzas, but I know very little about poetry...

Ive just done a google of it and it doesnt appear to be any different. Stanzas and verses are the same, being English I probably call them verses because of different terminology.