I Am Totally a Real-Life Wizard (Not Clickbait, I Swear!)

Vendetta watched Cody’s wound, nervously bouncing their leg. Did they think about healing enough? Would the potion work?

The wound healed, the skin stitching into itself like food color in water.

Once the wound fully healed, Khalil stopped the timer. “Thirty-six seconds, you two. Amazing job.”

Valeri gave Vendetta a high-five, then glanced back at Cody. "So... what else do we have to learn?"

Cody exchanged a look with Khalil, then briefly exited the room and came back with an armful of large, dusty tomes. "Time for some theory. You both can read these for the rest of the day, while Khalil and I catch up."

Vendetta sneezed. “When was the last time you dusted these?”

Cody shrugged. “I don’t remember.”

Khalil frowned. “You just fell apart with me, huh?” Xe kissed his temple.

"Yeah," Cody sighed. He took Khalil's hand and smiled at xem. "But you're here now. Have I ever told you how much I love you?"

Valeri rolled her eyes, but they were smiling. "Okay, why don't you two lovebirds spend some quality time somewhere else while Vendetta and I read these?" They eyed the stack of books and added, "Or try to read them. I have a feeling I'll have some trouble with these, even without any distractions..."

Vendetta sighed. “Yeah. Have fun catching up you two.”

Dawn sighed. “Young love.”

Dusk snorted. “They’re well in their twenty’s, Dawn.”

“So? We’re well into our thousands.”

Valeri eyed Dawn and Dusk. "I don't suppose you two immortal weapons have any tips or magic for reading faster?"

"Mmm... nope." Dawn glowed apologetically. "Feel free to ask us any questions, though! While I don't remember my most recent awakening, I sure do have a lot of stories from a couple centuries ago... Just don't ask me to tell you anything from when I was under a thousand." They shuddered. "Young Dawn was impulsive, violent, and, frankly, not too smart."

Vendetta blinked. “Wait, really?”

Dawn bobbed. “We all have phases we’re not proud of. And for some of us, they last a few hundred years.”

“The curse of immortality.” Dusk glowed. “Having an embarrassing phase last an entire era.”

"Sheesh." Valeri winced, then reached for a dusty blue book and cracked it open. "Well, time to read this, I guess..." They examined the figures on the page. "Was this handwritten? Either that, or someone printed this with an awful font. It looks like this book's about spoken spells, though... An incantation to curse your enemy with bad breath, and another to commune with monkeys. Huh." Valeri stared at the page quizzically, then turned to their sibling. "What's yours on, Vendetta?"

Vendetta skimmed through the pages. "It's more potions. How to make yourself taller for an hour, how to make squirrels do your bidding." They snorted. "Oddly specific. I can't say I've had the urge to do that before."

Dusk hovered closer. "The oddest potion I've ever seen was how to make your toenails grow faster."

"Why would you want to make your toenails grow faster?" Valeri laughed at the sheer absurdity of the concept.

"Apparently there are some certain unspeakable rituals that involve toenail clippings." Dusk darkened dramatically.

Dawn hummed for a moment, then said in an amused voice, "Remember that time a hero was thinking of making a potion of invincibility, but ended up just giving himself a ridiculously itchy rash?"

Dusk snorted. "I remember that! He tried to get a potion from this monk, and she tricked him."

Dawn sighed. "Good times. What about that one time this so-called hero thought he could reverse a curse by saying the spell backward and ended up turning his hair bubblegum pink?"

Valeri set down the book, completely distracted now. "No wayy! Bubblegum didn't even exist then, did it?"

Dawn adopted a fake snooty accent. "Perhaps it did, perhaps not. The mysteries of the past are many, and we immortal weapons are the only ones in the know."

Dusk scoffed and elbowed (tapped?) their sibling. "No, I'm pretty sure people just compared that shade of pink to a pig, but brighter and more obnoxious. And that wasn't even the worst of the poor guy's misfortunes."

Dawn sighed. "Oh yeah! Wasn't that also the guy that got into a fight with a tree that insulted his toga? He used this potion to talk to plants, which didn't go so well for him."

Dusk laughed. "And then he spent ages in the forest trying to insult it back."

"Ha! He never had much luck with that. The trees were much to wise to feel insulted by a mere human, and a foolish one at that." Dawn's blade glowed an amused pink and white. "He eventually got tired of being ignored and moved on to a poor village... They asked him to clear out this monster, but guess what?" Dawn laughed. "He led it right to the village, screaming and swatting at his pants, which were on fire."

"And then a little old grandmother just gave the monster a tap on the nose with her cane, and it was felled." Dusk snickered.

"How do you know all of this? Where either of you his weapon?"

"Thankfully, I was not his weapon. But someone, on the other hand..." He turned towards Dusk.

Dusk glowed a bright purple. "Hey! It's not like I had a say in the matter."