I Am Totally a Real-Life Wizard (Not Clickbait, I Swear!)

Valeri's box popped open to reveal... a hamster. A small normal furry brown hamster. She glanced at Vendetta's snake and said, "You sure our boxes aren't switched? Cuz I would much prefer a snake."

The assistant recovered-- barely-- and said, "Whichever familiar you get is the one that fits you..."

The snake coiled calmly around Vendetta's arm. Meanwhile, the hamster seemed to be growling at all the smoke.

"Your familiar's personality should match yours..."

"Great. What's this hamster's personality like then? Is this some insult from the universe? I am not a cute cuddly person!" The hamster chewed and ripped the box to shreds. "...Hm. That seems more fitting."

"Okay, you can pay right here..." The attendant ushered them to a counter. "...And that's it! Bye, thanks so much for coming, have a great day!" She practically pushed them out the door.

The black snake moved up Vendetta’s arm until it loosely curled around their neck. “Aw, you’re just two sweethearts, huh?” They gently rubbed the tops of their heads. “They an American rat snakes. Pretty much harmless.”

José nodded, standing noticeably further away from Vendetta. “Yep, harmless.”

Vendetta smiled. “Should we get a snack or something? We have a long way back to headquarters.”

Valeri winced as their new hamster dug its claws into her shoulder. "This one's got spirit. And yeah, I'm starving." They noticed a bakery across the street called "Maryla's Magnificent Muffins and More."

"That's quite a bit of alliteration... Oh well. Should we go there?"

"Yeah, let's eat!" Carter whooped. He looked both ways for incoming carriages or cars, then dashed across the street.

“Carter!” Vendetta sighed and chased after him. “Carter, wait!”

Dusk hummed in amusement. “What happened to taking him home this morning?”

Dawn chucked. “I have a feeling plans have changed.”

Otto shook his head. "Em no nworg s'dik eht."

"Seems like Carter is Otto's official translator now." Dawn vibrated, then rose into the air to join Carter and Vendetta across the street.

Valeri and Dusk and the WANNABES followed. They opened the door of the bakery to find... a rather intimidating red-haired woman at the counter and a long line of customers.

Vendetta held Carter’s shoulder, quite a few customers making noises of distress at their snakes. “Hey, Valeri. Does that guy look familiar to you?” They pointed to an older teen sitting at a table in the corner. His arms were crossed and we wore a noticeably fake mustache and eye patch.

Dusk hummed. “There’s something about him.”

"That posture... and those angry eyebrows..." Valeri frowned. "He does seem familiar."

"Is he staring at us, or at the menu above us?"

"Want me to confront him?" Dusk asked.

The line shifted forward, and Dawn hummed. "Let's get these adventurers their food first. It's not good to fight-- even peacefully-- on an empty stomach."

Vendetta nodded, their snakes diving under their shirt. “Yeah. That sounds good.”

The guy made eye contact, glaring at them with a fury of a thousand suns.

“But I don’t think he wants to wait.”

Valeri narrowed her eyes as the guy walked over. His mustache slipped for a moment, and the guy impatiently pasted it on again.

"Hey, you." He glared at the group.

"Yeah? What's your problem?"

"You're the problem." The guy dramatically ripped off his mustache and eye patch.

Carter gasped. "Guy?!"

Vendetta groaned. “Guy, what are you doing here?”

Guy crossed his arms. “You’re supposed to be proving yourself by completing a dangerous mission! And you’re out here getting pastries.”

Dusk groaned. “We got all of the ingredients we could! Leave us alone.”

"And we got the dry-cleaning too!" José held up the suit triumphantly.

"His rat is being groomed right now," Valeri added.

Guy scowled. "Silly errands like those prove nothing. I have a quest for you, newbies." He grabbed a pastry from an elf gliding by and took a bite. "A reawl ques'."

“What? Thievery?” Vendetta snorted. “No thank you.”

Guy growled. “You know what’s your problem? You haven’t been on a real magic quest! All you did was teleport around California, disobey Josephinzo, and THEN GET A MUFFIN TO CELEBRATE!”

Guy clenched his fists. “I’m going to show you what a real quest is.”

"Oh yeah? Then tell us."

Guy scoffed. "Of course, I doubt greenies like you will be able to complete it. But legend has it that there's a hidden temple in a jungle... and within it, there be treasure." He raised his eyebrows dramatically.

"...Dude, I think someone's either scamming you or lying to you. Everyone knows all the major temples were robbed of their artifacts long ago." Valeri crossed her arms.

Guy frowned. "No, this one's different. It's been hidden for centuries, and only now been able to appear."

"And how do you explain that?" Vendetta crossed their arms. "That doesn't make any sense."

Dusk sighed. "Don't listen to him. He doesn't know what he's talking about."

Guy grabbed Vendetta by the shoulders. "Shut up and listen to me!" He shook them.

"Woah there." Valeri instantly grew serious. "That is not okay." Dusk and Dawn hovered threateningly, and Guy sneered as he released Vendetta.

"What? I was just shaking some sense into this newbie."

"Don't you know not to touch people without permission? Or did that thought never enter that thick head of yours?"

"You calling me dumb again?" Guy bristled.

"So what if I did-"

"Who wants muffiiiiins?!" José burst into the group with a platter of baked goods, then noticed the tense stares. "O-oh, did I interrupt something?"