I Am Totally a Real-Life Wizard (Not Clickbait, I Swear!)

"Don't forget Carter, their noble companion!" piped up the kid.

There was a beat of silence from behind the door. Then the voice spoke again. "Whatever you're selling, I want none of it. Now shoo before I'm forced to get my broom out!"

Amy perked up. "Ooh, are you challenging us to a fight?"

Vendetta pulled Amy away from the door. “Nope. No fighting.”

“We’re not selling anything! I am simply here to collect something that is mine.” Dusk smacked its tip on the door. “My arrows tell me that my quiver is in your dwelling. I just want it back.”

The six arrows tapped on the door in perfect unison.

Suddenly the door swung open, and the arrows swerved out of the way of an angry old lady with a broom in hand. "Your quiver? Hmph. Finders keepers, losers weepers." She waved the broom at them and slammed the door again.

Valeri coughed at the dust from the broom. "So... this is going well..."

Amy held out a fistful of confetti, giggling madly. “I’d like to see her broom survive this!”

Dusk bobbed in amusement. “Ah, yes. Paper. The world’s deadliest weapon.”

Amy nodded. “Yes! Finally, someone gets it

Vendetta shook their head. “Amy, no!”

The lady opened the door again with a deep frown. "Still here? Shoo!" She brandished the broom at the questers.

Before she could close the door, however, Amy tossed a handful of confetti at the woman.

"Gah!" She coughed and waved her broom around blindly. "It's in my mouth--" she spluttered. Confetti fluttered from her hair to the floor.

Amy giggled. "See? Very effective."

“That’s it? I was expecting violence.” Vendetta side-stepped the old woman, scanning the walls for a quiver.

Amy giggled. “No, silly! It’s just confetti!”

The confetti started smoking.

Dusk floated around the walls. “Where is it? Does anyone see a faint purple glow?”

Valeri stepped over a pile of old books and ragged shawls. "Hmm." She entered some kind of living room and blinked. "Oh! There's definitely something glowing, under all these old pizza boxes..." They shifted the pile with their foot.

Dusk and their arrows hurried over and helped move the boxes. "That looks like my quiver... but it's all dirty and covered in cheese."

Vendetta hummed in disapproval. “Hey, Amy? Do you have a cleaning spell?”

Amy froze. “Well, you see-“

Dusk rushed up to her. “Come on. You keep talking about how great your club is, use some magic and clean my quiver!”

Amy laughed, fidgeting with a stray piece of confetti. “Here’s the thing-“

“Amy!”

"W-why don't we take it to Josephinzo? I'm sure he can clean it." Amy giggled nervously.

Valeri eyed her suspiciously. "Why can't you do it?"

"O-okay, fine! Um. The only magic I can do right now is make confetti..."

Vendetta blinked. “So you just joined the WANNABES, right? Like you’re new there?”

Dawn hissed. “Oh sweetie, I certainly hope so. That’s painful otherwise.”

Dusk bobbed in agreement.

Amy flushed. “Look! We got the silly little quiver, so now we can finally go back to the Great Josephinzo.

Before anyone could say anything else, Amy fished out the portal from her pocket, and the yellow circle widened in the middle of the apartment. Valeri picked up the quiver with a thumb and forefinger, then followed the group through the portal. The last thing she heard was the old lady thumping her broom on the floor and cursing the group with something like... wrinkled fingers and shriveled up eyeballs? She shuddered in disgust as the portal enveloped her.

Amy was the first to step out of the portal. “Welcome adventurers, weapons, and Carter to the great HIGH WIZARD WANNABES HEADQUARTERS!” She giggled. “Isn’t it amazing?”

The “great HEADQUARTERS” in question looked just like a standard office building, with an industrial sized table fit for over twenty people with a massive office chair at the head.

Vendetta looked around. “This is your headquarters?”

Valeri yawned. "Do you guys have food? Or couches where I can sleep?"

Amy frowned. "We have coffee..." Then she shook her head. "But no time for that! Let's go meet the wonderful wizard Josephinzo!" She skipped off towards the head of the table, where the wizard was discussing something with a group of other WANNABES.

Amy waved to Josephinzo. “The Great Josephinzo! We’ve returned! With a magic sword, a magic bow, and a new recruit!”

Carter waved. “Hi!”

Josephinzo muttered. “You weren’t supposed to get the bow.”

"Why not?" Valeri asked suspiciously. "Did you know the sword and bow are a pair?"

"...Never mind that," Josephinzo said. "Good job, congratulations, you'll be paid fairly in fame and fortune... anyways." He clapped his hands. "Now for your next mission! Investigating the dark abode of the vampire necromancer Malacoda."

"Wait, can't we sleep first? It's already dark outside."