"True," he said, turning his head, just a little, to glimpse at her through the corner of his eyes. He noticed she was gazing at the stars. "That it's a lie. I don't really mind the height I'm at."
Evaline breathed a sigh of relief. "I don't mind it either," she said instinctively, realizing just a second after she said those words out loud that it made no sense at all. It was like telling someone, "You too," when they said, "Enjoy your trip."
She mentally facepalmed herself hoping James didn't really hear her, quickly moving on while swearing at her brain to stop thinking on autopilot.
"I mean, uh, what was military school like?" she quickly asked.
James wanted to laugh, but his chest was still in knots, and even the beginning of that sudden breath hurt, so he pushed it down. Evaline's next question helped to kill the laugh anyway which he supposed he had to be thankful for, even if the question was uncomfortable.
"Busy," he said, trying to find a way to describe it succinctly. His brain felt muddled for words. "Tiring. A lot of hard work. There was a lot of extensive physical training, but just as much studying. Math, history, language. I don't know what schools were like for you, but if you can imagine a classroom setting... desks. Almost all of the teachers were hardasses, and if you weren't disciplined, it very quickly became an unpleasant experience."
He paused and tried to suppress a yawn, but his mouth still ended up opening and closing a little.
"There were certain weapons we were required to master, but at certain levels, you had the option to pick a focus to specialize in, if you earned it."
Evaline raised a brow as James talked, realizing that he seemed to give her more details than he did earlier. Perhaps he was tired. She could use this to her advantage.
While he was talking, she rolled over just slightly so she was angled to face James. It seemed kind of intimate and vulnerable to see him laying down like this, and be in a position where she was laying down, right next to him. Realization began to seep in that this was, and everything leading up to it, was, uh... it was rather, a bit—
She tensed her jaw and bit down the thought, not wanting it to ruin the moment, especially as James seemed to be in a mood to share something more personal.
"That sounds kind of similar to the school I'm familiar with," she said when he finished, wanting to avoid pauses between their conversations. "Except instead of weapons, we all trained with our powers."
Some were more rigorous as others, and given her family history, she barely did any formal training at all compared to her peers. She felt kind of like a sham being the one who had to tell him these things.
She had so many questions she could ask him, but she ending up deciding to say the first one that popped in her mind.
That... did that have to do with any of his facts?
James was already forgetting, now, what he’d said. He wasn’t asleep, but his mind was drifting. He wondered how long Evaline would keep the game going. Surely, she had to start getting tired soon too, right? It wasn’t just him?
“Um... well, uh,” he wasn’t sure what to say. His interpretation of his younger self was a biased one, since it was from his perspective. And, admittedly, there were a lot of gaps in his childhood that he couldn’t remember anymore. He felt like he might have at some point, but now much of it was blacked out. Like his mind decided it wasn’t useful to know anymore.
“I was pretty quiet, really,” he said. “At least, around other kids. I was pretty reserved and well behaved. A bit naive, like most children are. I never really had many friends growing up that I can remember. It was really just me and my parents, and then my little sister. I think that probably played a part in my ... socialization, so you say.”
He paused, trying to think.
“I think... I think I can remember just... listening a lot.” He closed his eyes for a moment, trying to find clarity in the fuzzy colors and sounds of his memories. “I just liked to listen. I didn’t have much to say.”
Evaline patiently listened and watched as his face scrunched up trying to wade through all the murky memories in his head. A part of her wanted to see what was going on in there, but she would never use her memory power on him without his consent.
As he finished, she couldn't help but feel... envious of him. Her head was often in the future, but sometimes she would lay awake at night and think, "What if?"
What if she had different friends? What if she had no friends growing up? She surely would be a different person. Right? Maybe it was better that way.
She tried to think of what she was like growing up, but only fragments of her memory would come to the surface, and most of it was not about her. It seemed so long ago. She... could barely even remember who she was back then. But she knew she obeyed, rarely speaking up.
Of course, she didn't say any of this out loud. Keeping this from him made her wonder if James was also keeping something from her.
"Sounds like no one has has asked you about farming," she said in an attempt to lighten the mood, mostly from her own thoughts. She rolled back to face the stars again.
James looked back up at the stars, and tried to perceive as much as he could around them from his position on the ground. He was still tired, and didn't really want to move, but his shirt was still all twisted around his waist. He shifted and pulled it back down over his stomach.
"Thanks," he said quietly. He knew it was his turn again.
"Here I go again."
He took in a deep breath and rested his hands over his stomach (shielding his bellybutton).
"I'm more afraid of bounty hunters than goblins," he said, pausing now, between each thought, as he thought of more.
"I have no regrets about what I did during my service in the guard."
These statements were tough. And also, rather personal. Evaline tried her best to think this through.
She had no idea what goblins were, but she knew a goblin raid killed his father and destroyed his family's farm. She figured they must be the name or word for a nefarious group, although she wasn't sure what their intentions were. Bounty hunters, on the other hand, had intentions of money, status, or power. They were greedy enough to turn someone like James in. Evaline was already horrified of Butch, and she could understand that James's fear was probably ten times bigger than hers. It was easy to assume he was afraid of bounty hunters, but of goblins? She had no idea what they were, but his family and farm meant so much to him, and perhaps their destruction was the catalyst to where he is today, especially considering that he did not want to know which goblin person killed his father. Those actions could really change a person and cause a surplus of hatred and fear to mix.
She also had no idea exactly what constituted his actions of serving in the guard, but she did notice he said 'guard' and not 'military school,' implying that he went straight to the army after he graduated. She didn't know how old he was, but he probably wasn't that far off from her, or maybe a little older. He's, at most, several years post-graduation. She also knew he was on the run for a year now; that implied he must have stopped the king's plan a year ago... meaning, this must have happened while he was in the guard. She had no doubt he had no regrets stopping the king's plan, even if it caused him to be forever on the run. Of course, that was only one action out of many, but that was all she knew so far.
Things were slowly starting to make a little more sense.
As for his family not knowing he was alive... She wanted to say yes since he hadn't seen his sister since the day of the memory he showed her, and he told her that his mother and sister were still alive. There was a lot she didn't know, like why he didn't visit them before he was wanted. It just dawned on her that it made no sense, unless... Did they thought he was dead? But there were posters all over the town with his face. Surely they must have seen it.
At this point, Evaline felt like she was taking too long to answer. She finally went with the answer that she thought was the most likely, even though it won by just a hair in her mind.
"I think you're afraid of goblins more," she said delicately.
James took in a deep breath, and let it out slowly, measured, as he pushed back his emotions.
He'd learned how to do this a long time ago. To talk about the facts, while distancing himself emotionally from the truths. To shut down, and open up at the same time. It was a way of being vulnerable without actually being vulnerable. Opening up his history without opening up his heart. He would tell himself - he would say the truth, but he wasn't going to feel the truth, and that would be enough.
"No," he said quietly.
He paused and interlaced his fingers over his stomach, feeling more distant. The starry sky hanging over them was vast, and it was easy to get swallowed up in it. To escape.
He didn't want to say what he was thinking.
That he would rather die at the hands of a goblin than a human, so at least he could go out as his father did. That he would rather die any other way than by being caught, and delivered to the king. To Carter. To the hands of people he knew would not let him die quickly.
"That one was true," he said. "The lie was that I don't have any regrets about my time serving in the guard."
James was so close to letting out a sigh of relief, but he didn't.
Goblins. That was easy.
"Well, goblins are a different race of people. The main difference between goblins and humans is their appearance. Their skin is green, and typically rougher. Their ears are really pointy and long, and sometimes point up or droop down. Most goblins have more pronounced canines, and they all have yellow eyes. They also tend to have stronger, sharper nails. Not quite claws, but not as fragile as ours. They're also able to see in the dark, unlike humans. Our eyes adjust, of course, but it's not the same."
A different race of people. That was interesting. Evaline wanted to ask more questions about them, specifically if they acted more like an animal or a human. Perhaps goblins were created the same way all the other monstrous creatures were created on Earth.
But she wasn't going to use her last question on that. She already regret using one of her questions on what a goblin is, but that was just because she thought they were the name of a terrorist group or something nefarious. It was possible that the goblin raid was a random attack, but she wasn't going to use up her last question to find out.
She paused before opening her mouth to speak again, focusing on a cluster of stars twinkling in the sky.
"What do you regret about your time serving in the guard?"
And there it was. The question that made logical sense to ask, but was almost painfully open-ended - as if there was only one thing - only one regret - when there were many. James couldn't possibly recount them all to Evaline, and he didn't want to. He didn't have to. He was allowed to keep those things to himself. Yes, they were playing a game, but at the end of the day, he could always refuse the rules of the game and forfeit. He would rather keep his privacy than "win" at a game with no real stakes, and no points. For something so trivial as bragging rights.
When he finally spoke, his answer came out hollow and deep.
"Almost everything," he said.
He thought for a moment, wondering if he should correct himself. No. He was right.
Evaline inwardly sighed. Either this was too personal of a question, or he was getting back to her for being so vague last time. Without clearly seeing his face, she couldn't tell.
She knew she was technically out of questions, but she wasn't giving up that easily.
"Okay, correction," she said, trying not to sound stubborn. "What do you regret the most?"
James knew the answer to that question, but it wasn't an answer Evaline would expect, nor one he wanted to say out loud. It was something he carried with him every day. A constant weight on his chest, and something he would never forgive himself for.
But it was his regret to bear. Not hers.
He tilted his face away from her, so she couldn't read his eyes, or see the shadow that crossed over them.
