wonderland

ALright, so, your first line. That night Ambriel had a dream. Right. So, as a person who hasn't read your first chapter, that doesn't tell me a whole lot. Instead, ...

Alright, so, you are moving too fast here. You just give the reader details and description, but we don't get any of your MC's emotion or thoughts. It was kinda ...

Alright, so, this is from your novel? So, it's an excerpt? Right, so if both of those were yes answer, that clarifies some of my confusion. Sure, it was cute, ...

Alright, so, even in the beginning, you have clear, good sense of characters. I can already tell that Finn may be somewhat of that wild crazy party boy. Awesome. Things ...

ALright, so, heres the thing. I don't feel like you balanced that out as well as you could. Most of it was just them meeting, Don't get me wrong, I ...

ALright, I was gonna review the first chapter, but this one is here now. So Im gonna try and meld the two together Alright, so, What I noticed in the ...

Alright, so, firstly, I'm gonna say that it was kinda rude to advertise your work during a review. You could write on my wall, or PM me. Not in a ...

Wow, that was strong, and beautiful. I wouldn't go too far to say that I loved it, but, I did enjoy your sense of character. YOur prose is beautiful, and ...

Well, for the rules and things, that was really good. I love ho you didn't have it as a human, but as a rose. Truthfully, I was all 'great. Another ...

Alright, so this story just seems a little generic and cliche. Think about it, even though I enjoy how you chose body image, because many girls and guys, like me, ...

That was really hard to read. You should put a space in between each paragraph, just makes it easier for reader here. This site looses any formatting you may have ...

Okay, you just shoved everything at the reader. It was all just detail, detail, detail. When I woke up that morning it was raining, something that's completely dreadful to most, ...

Thats a a pretty cute cat. And that was the only nice thing I had to say. Alright, so you just shoved description at the reader, just telling. Have now ...

Alright, so that was a interesting beginning. I noticed something. In somplaces you describe too much Aeron Wynne died the day her son was born. While everyone else was fast ...

You have a really choppy writing style that makes it unclear for the reader, truly what is going on. Did you randomly change from normal prose to a diary form? ...