Idea!!

by fritzalfonts

Published November 16, 2010

removed.

Comments & reviews · 3
User avatar
chellelynn
Review
chellelynn wrote a review Review · Nov 22, 2010

Hello! Great plot so far, it's very intriguing and makes the reader want to read more. I love the way you write, the way you use your words. Please, please, please make sure you space out the paragraphs next time to make it clearer and easier to read. Now, onto the critique! Additions/changes will be in red.

It is not, however,the most hidden.

Just a nitpick here! There should be a comma both before and after the word 'however'

Though she tries not to dwell on that fact, on the negative parallel of her situation. Instead, she envisions meeting him again, of catching sight of him for the first time.

I feel like here you could combine these two sentences to help with the flow of your story. If you prefer to leave it, I think you should add in a comma after the word 'instead.' To combine them, maybe try something like:
As she tries not to dwell on that fact, on the negative parallel of her situation, she envisions meeting him again, of catching sight of him for the first time.

He will be walking, of course, with his head tilted, his eyes searching for her. She will stand; just enough movement to catch his attention and nothing too exaggerated. He will finally see her and smile – she can see that now: a wide, toothy grin that crinkles the periphery of flesh at his eyes and cheekbones. He will walk towards her and when they meet they will, not quite embrace, but draw their hands to together, carefully, softly touching knuckles and fingertips, and palms and wrist bones. Pulled towards each other by pure magnetism and the credibility of such a moment. Yes, she can envision it exactly

I really like how you described this. It was very nicely done, however, I bolded a few parts that could be edited. They will, not quite embrace, seems awkward to me. I don't think you need that extra comma after 'will.' You don't need the 'to' before 'together', and I think it flows nicer if you take out the 'and' before palms.

Would he look the same? she wonders to herself. Or different somehow. Older and wiser, perhaps. Like herself.

Maybe put thoughts in italics? Not necessary, but I personally like it, as it's different than talking, but it's still her voice in her head. I also think there is too many sentences. Combine them, like:
Would he look the same, she wonders to herself, or different somehow? Older and wiser, perhaps, like herself.

She follows his gaze to across the street where men in work suits and women in muted dresses line-up on the sidewalk, and the tram, in its boxy, cumbersome fashion, slows to a stop in front of them.

You don't need the 'to' there, or the comma after 'sidewalk' but you could put a comma after 'fashion'.

She knows, had she let him, his own means of transport will have got them to his apartment in no time at all. In less than a second; as if she were to simply blink

Looooove this! It makes the reader think about what his own means of transport could be. Nice foreshadowing!

The ending, I JUST LOVE IT. I can't wait to read more, you've done a very good job with this and all the stuff I mentioned was just little nitpicks! Hope it helped some, though!

User avatar
wonderland
Review
wonderland wrote a review Review · Nov 22, 2010

That was really hard to read. You should put a space in between each paragraph, just makes it easier for reader here. This site looses any formatting you may have of your word doc.

Onto the actual review.
Hmm, I had to skim this, truthfully, it's rather long, with no break in the text until that last paragraph.

She stands waiting on the ledge of the curb for a clear path between the cars to cross. She looks left, then right, left again. There is an opening and she walks briskly across the road, though not fast enough and a car blares their horn at her. It is shrill, incessant. She lowers her head, embarrassed and runs the last few steps.
The park lies resplendent towards her – a subtext of anticipation, in her own mind – and takes a look around. He is not there. She knew it was silly to imagine him sitting, waiting, beautiful and jovial on the park bench under the cedar tree; by Denison’s monument; by the shade of the newspaper stand’s red and white striped-awning. Perhaps it was silly to imagine him coming at all.


Your beginning was very good though, it pulled the reader in with the first sentence.
I hope that helped

~WickedWonder

User avatar
theotherone
Review
theotherone wrote a review Review · Nov 22, 2010

Hello there. :)

I was just going to review, but then I saw that you only did two reviews in more than a year... The whole point of this site is give and you shall receive. So I'll make a deal with you, if you want to. If you do three more reviews and PM me, I'll review your story. If you decide not to do it, it's your choice, I'm just giving you an option here.

-Other One



The day, which was one of the first of spring, cheered even me by the loveliness of its sunshine and the balminess of the air. I felt emotions of gentleness and pleasure, that had long appeared dead, revive within me. Half surprised by the novelty of these sensations, I allowed myself to be borne away by them, and forgetting my solitude and deformity, dared to be happy.
— Mary Shelley, Frankenstein