Published November 16, 2010
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Hello! Great plot so far, it's very intriguing and makes the reader want to read more. I love the way you write, the way you use your words. Please, please, please make sure you space out the paragraphs next time to make it clearer and easier to read. Now, onto the critique! Additions/changes will be in red.
Just a nitpick here! There should be a comma both before and after the word 'however'
I feel like here you could combine these two sentences to help with the flow of your story. If you prefer to leave it, I think you should add in a comma after the word 'instead.' To combine them, maybe try something like:
As she tries not to dwell on that fact, on the negative parallel of her situation, she envisions meeting him again, of catching sight of him for the first time.
I really like how you described this. It was very nicely done, however, I bolded a few parts that could be edited. They will, not quite embrace, seems awkward to me. I don't think you need that extra comma after 'will.' You don't need the 'to' before 'together', and I think it flows nicer if you take out the 'and' before palms.
Maybe put thoughts in italics? Not necessary, but I personally like it, as it's different than talking, but it's still her voice in her head. I also think there is too many sentences. Combine them, like:
Would he look the same, she wonders to herself, or different somehow? Older and wiser, perhaps, like herself.
You don't need the 'to' there, or the comma after 'sidewalk' but you could put a comma after 'fashion'.
Looooove this! It makes the reader think about what his own means of transport could be. Nice foreshadowing!
The ending, I JUST LOVE IT. I can't wait to read more, you've done a very good job with this and all the stuff I mentioned was just little nitpicks! Hope it helped some, though!
That was really hard to read. You should put a space in between each paragraph, just makes it easier for reader here. This site looses any formatting you may have of your word doc.
Onto the actual review.
Hmm, I had to skim this, truthfully, it's rather long, with no break in the text until that last paragraph.
Your beginning was very good though, it pulled the reader in with the first sentence.
I hope that helped
~WickedWonder
Hello there.
I was just going to review, but then I saw that you only did two reviews in more than a year... The whole point of this site is give and you shall receive. So I'll make a deal with you, if you want to. If you do three more reviews and PM me, I'll review your story. If you decide not to do it, it's your choice, I'm just giving you an option here.
-Other One