I ran to my dorm room at top speed and slammed the door. My first
day so far couldn’t have gone worse. So I’m in 9th grade and I just
acted like a 3rd grader with a crush. Xiaxer was so effortlessly cool
and I on the other hand acted like a bumbling idiot! Will this ever
get any easier? We get private dorms at Gamorath Academy for
our needs particularly feeding. If you get my drift. It’ s still
decorated like it was when I as in 8th grade , with a vintage vanity
that I absolutely adore, a four poster bed and zebra print curtains. I
sat my backpack down on the wood floor, topple onto my bed and
close my eyes.
“ Mel wake up!”
I blearily open my eyes to my one and only friend Zoe shaking me
violently. Who somehow always lacks to knock on my doors. Zoe
had her strawberry blonde hair pulled into a side pony tail and had
on a colorful plaid dress, not to mention fushia pumps.
“ Jeez you look like a bulldozer ran you over!” Zoe exclaimed.
“Thank-you for that commitment.”I retorted grumpily.
“We are gonna be late for class. Hurry up and wash your face.”
“Wash my face?”
I looked in the mirror. Wow I did look like I’d been run over. My
mascara was smeared all over my face, due to crying on unaware. I
slumped over to my vanity and pulled open the drawer with
makeup remover, dabbed it on and scrubbed away.
“So what did I miss?”I asked.
“Supernatural Bodies and Reflexes with Mr. Cornelias. “ Zoe said
matteraffactly. Actually it was pretty good! Did you know some of
our kind can go invisible?”
“That would come in handy. Cassandra is going to kill me for
sure!”I cried as I put the bottle away.
“But your un-dead! You can’t die!”Zoe said.
I looked at her blankly. Then we dissolved into a fit of giggles.
We came to the of our next class History of Vampires and Humans
by Mrs. Williams. She had midnight black hair, almost never
smiled and had glasses that always slid down her nose.
We rushed into the room and found seats side by side. Mrs.
Williams looked down her nose at us disapprovingly. If looks could
kill!
“ Ladies and gentlemen I have some rather disturbing new.” She
said.
The chatter died down.
“ As of today the vampire prison ‘Avid’ in New York has been
bombed and many prisoners have escaped. We will be having high
security on the Academy and your not aloud to leave the premises
before notifying your mentor and they will take the necessary
precautions. “
A gasp went through the room and wide eyed vampires looked
around at each other.
“ Oh my gosh”. Said Zoe under her breath.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,821 Reviews
That helps alot!Ill remember to add emotion!:)
ALright, I was gonna review the first chapter, but this one is here now. So Im gonna try and meld the two together
Alright, so, What I noticed in the first chapter was that you're MC is Mary Sue. Think about it, she's pretty and perfect, yet she hates her life. Unfortunately, she sort of reminds me of Bella from the Twilight series, especially in your first few paragraphs.
Now, in this chapter, What I noticed is that it's sort of cliche. It really, also reminds me of the House of Night series, where the school is invaded. Also, you're writing is pretty flat. I feel no relation to your MC at all. What you should do is add emotion, add lots of emotion, and use words to give the reader a scene, not just tell the reader.
Hopefully that helps
~WickedWonder
The Second Chapter to mt story! Tell me what you think please!