bubblewrapped

Welcome to YWS :) This was really good - I loved the way you used technical language to add precision to your imagery. Very neatly done! Ther were a few ...

Hm. It didn't really flow for me really. Kit mentioned most of the major things, but I'd also add that "plenty" would read better as "aplenty" and I don't think ...

Hm. Well, it was OK, but to be honest it left me kind of cold. I think part of the problem is that each of the lines you've used (with ...

I agree, this is a very powerful poem; but there are some ways I think you could improve it. Firstly, punctuation. You don't really have much punctuation throughout and that ...

I agree - this was quite a powerful poem, and well-executed. Part of me always rebels when I see "message" poetry, but I do think you've captured the whole tone ...

Hi again Ayra! This is definitely one of your better pieces, I think -- you can definitely tell there's a lot of feeling involved, and I really love the image ...

While I appreciate the sentiment behind it, the poem itself is too bald for my taste. It asks a question, then answers itself, and one is left wondering what the ...

Wow. That definitely packs quite a punch. I love the voice here, and your rhythm really picks up from the second stanza onwards. It's great to see such an important ...

Honestly? I liked it - the image was quite vivid and I felt the structure very balanced. There were a couple of things that bugged me, though. Firstly, you repeat ...

I agree with Cade; shopping list poetry like this gets pretty dull by the third line. The problem is that by listing things in the same way each time, you're ...

I'm gonna be blunt here and say I found it a bit boring and, essentially, pointless. It pretends to tell a story, but all of the important details beyond the ...

I found the line breaks a little awkward, but in the end effective. The punctuation could be a little more consistent, perhaps? Otherwise, though, I found it strangely compelling. You ...

Yes, it is cliche. Not only the story ("I loved you and you didnt love me and so I killed myself") but also the approach to it - a bald, ...

Firstly, I would just like to thank you for rating this piece; nice to see people using the ratings system :) That being said, I'm afraid I must admit that ...

I agree with Brad - not a lot to be excited by. But a good attempt for your first real poem here :) I liked your imagery and the concept ...