Published October 26, 2007
cigarette.
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141,415 Literary Works • 674,394 Reviews
Honestly? I liked it - the image was quite vivid and I felt the structure very balanced. There were a couple of things that bugged me, though. Firstly, you repeat the phrase "kick in" twice, and in such a short poem I found it jarring. You might want to replace one of them with a synonymous phrase. Secondly, the second time you use "automatic" made me twitch, and I'm not quite sure why. As a repetition, it works fine, even though it comes straight after the first use of "automatic," but somehow it sounds like it should be "automatically" to me o.0 I'd recommend playing with that line a bit to see if you can sort it out.
Overall, the language was used to good effect and I like the way it seems blunt yet doesn't come right out and tell you what it's about. A nice piece
Cheers,
~bubbles
PS: Welcome to YWS (belatedly)!
Funny. Yes, definately funny.
I think good short poems are the best ones, for they tend to capture your attention better.
Your poem is captivating and nice, but I feel that you need to add more to it. Try to capture its essence and perhaps add more examples of automatic things that fit in your scene.
Tessia T.
"something short, like your mind just came up with it, and you jotted it down."
My thoughts exactly, I love that sort of writing!
This was rather vague and disconnected,
but that is right up my Alley!
Nice.
This kind of gave me like an American feel to it, especially because everything is automatic in America--plus front porch and cigarettes make me think of the American South.
Moreover, considering your title, and trying to delve into the poem a bit more, I felt like the main characcter, or the person speaking, was himself automatic. Taking a drug to kill the pain, smoking a cigarette to shoo away the wasps, the light about to turn on--but he doesn't move.
It's good, excellent rather, though could you tell me if my idea of the poem was right?
Anyway, that was really good.
Pm me for any questions!
lol, this made me laugh, i dont know if that was your intention, but i really liked this. something short, like your mind just came up with it, and you jotted it down. very good.
keep going. by the way benadryl helps kick the vicoden in, wont take three hours that way. lol
have a great day and keep writing. let me know when you post more, iwould love to read it.
kim