Young Writers Society

yeah, the structure was supposed to create a "stream of thoughts" if you know what i mean. disjointed and a bit jolty?

Also i tried using simple words to make it fit in with the whole "childhood" innocence theme.

thanks for your crits though.

baylee xx

The beginning caught my eyes.
The middle, I kinda got lost. And lost a little interest.
Then the end caught my eye again.

I think its good though :]

Oof, I found the structure of this just too much.

I don't understand why you've broken up each and every line so that it continues onto the next; it ruins the story and makes it seem as though it has no flow excpet for that of a car with square wheels. This may just be personal preference, but I believe that a lot of people would dislike this kind of structure, along with myself.

Also, I had a problem with the punctuation that you used; or that you didn't even use in some areas.

You have a good idea here - I'll give you that - but I think you could've written it a hundred words better. The flow was off and therefore this makes the rhythm, imagery and emtions in the reader evapourate too.

Hope this helps,
GingerLove

I found the line breaks a little awkward, but in the end effective. The punctuation could be a little more consistent, perhaps?

Otherwise, though, I found it strangely compelling. You have an interesting style, and the overall effect was wonderfully quiet and balanced somehow. I liked it XD

Welcome to YWS! I'll look forward to seeing you around

Cheers,
~bubbles