lightning
flashes
thunder
rolls
I curl my little finger
into the crook of yours
Like a little girl
scared
of
monsters
Lurking under
my bed.
Never could walk
through the graveyard
at
night.
Not like the other kids
Was always more... sensitive.
And now,
when the lights flicker
And wolves howl
And the moon is covered
the stars too
Makes me shiver still.
Its unnatural.
But the brush of your skin
brings me back to reality
I'm safe
I know I am
In the warmth of my bed
On your chest I rest my head
Close my eyes
to blank
it
all
out.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
yeah, the structure was supposed to create a "stream of thoughts" if you know what i mean. disjointed and a bit jolty?
Also i tried using simple words to make it fit in with the whole "childhood" innocence theme.
thanks for your crits though.
baylee xx
The beginning caught my eyes.
The middle, I kinda got lost. And lost a little interest.
Then the end caught my eye again.
I think its good though :]
Oof, I found the structure of this just too much.
I don't understand why you've broken up each and every line so that it continues onto the next; it ruins the story and makes it seem as though it has no flow excpet for that of a car with square wheels. This may just be personal preference, but I believe that a lot of people would dislike this kind of structure, along with myself.
Also, I had a problem with the punctuation that you used; or that you didn't even use in some areas.
You have a good idea here - I'll give you that - but I think you could've written it a hundred words better. The flow was off and therefore this makes the rhythm, imagery and emtions in the reader evapourate too.
Hope this helps,
GingerLove
I found the line breaks a little awkward, but in the end effective. The punctuation could be a little more consistent, perhaps?
Otherwise, though, I found it strangely compelling. You have an interesting style, and the overall effect was wonderfully quiet and balanced somehow. I liked it XD
Welcome to YWS! I'll look forward to seeing you around
Cheers,
~bubbles