Published December 5, 2007
Gray skies, the rain in my face,
rushing out of those halls.
You brushed my cheek, gentle,
to let the last raindrop fall.
I broke away with the softness of
the grass brushing between our toes.
You broke away with a sharp shock,
thunder threw our eyes closed.
Out of the blue, facing you,
so close, I felt your breath.
Incoming and rebellious,
this kiss would be the greatest theft,
as if tonight you’d tear, and steal,
all the blood left in my body.
Black and blue, only ways to feel;
Color that's drained from the world.
The clouds, and my heart, roared,
and I felt everything on that balcony.
Raindrops beat the ground as a choir,
an eternal, unfinished symphony.
Each touch, each, incredible touch,
left my skin, left this small planet.
The lonely seas fell below me,
no words to express, but the wind sang it.
Rushes, rushes, rushing skywards,
rivers, bloodstreams, lightning, the galaxy,
they're the blurs that make up life,
and they weave the tapestry behind me.
Is it possible to display your love,
in this galaxy of shining lights?
Your heartbeat's a cosmic movement,
in the silence, of this night.
------------------------------------
edit: If the universe expands at this rate
And this love grows with my heart rate
This is what it is to be a unity
With Love, Earth and the galaxy
INTO
Is it possible to display your love
In this galaxy of shining lights?
your heartbeat's a cosmic movement
In the silence of this night
I hope you enjoyed reading
ScarletMonkey
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140,620 Literary Works • 673,561 Reviews
I've added some punctuation and generally mixed things up a little, I understand what bubblewrapped was saying, I've put it into practise and hope the result makes it an overall better poem.
Thanks a lot for the welcome
I agree, this is a very powerful poem; but there are some ways I think you could improve it.
Firstly, punctuation. You don't really have much punctuation throughout and that makes it hard on the reader. Can you imagine trying to read this out loud? You'd die of oxygen deprivation before you got to the end! So I think you need to get serious about the punctuation. Full stops, dashes, semi-colons - they can all improve the voice and rhythm of your poem no end and give subtler meanings to each line. So use them!
I also think you could drop the unnecessary capitals at the beginning of each line and only put capitals after the full stops (which you will be putting in shortly *pointed stare* XD). Some people think that every line must have a capital letter (as does MS Word) but to my mind it is unnecessary and upsets the poetic flow. Of course, this is stylistic and entirely up to you. But I think the poem would flow better that way.
As to the real meat of the poem, I have a couple of suggestions. Your rhyming is pretty well done, but there are places where it is definitely strained. For example: "You leant in for contact/A kiss, to be the greatest theft" makes very little sense in context. I recommend you go through and read each line and see if it fits, because there are a few like this one that sound a bit awkward or misplaced or just have nothing to do with what came before. Punctuation would also help with this.
Another thing you might consider is rearranging a few of your - well, I can't really say sentences, given that there are no full stops, but whatever. You seem to start each one the same way and it makes the poem a bit repetitive by the end. Again, punctuation might help, but try for a bit of variety
Overall, I love the imagery you've used and you have a solid grasp of rhythm. Welcome to YWS - I will look forward to reading some more of your work!
Cheers,
~bubbles
I've edited the last few lines so they seem a bit nicer now
Lot less mention of 'eyes' but I've kept the last line of the first stanza because it's just the most effective
Thanks a lot for the compliments
Oh my god...
That was really, really, really good. I mean...wow. I agree with Fangala but otherwise this is amazing. The line 'Thunder threw our eyes closed' is really powerful and the imagery is excellent. You have a certain style that's kinda enigmatic, which I really like.
Keep writing poetry!
Ayra
Whoa, I can't believed no one's reveiwed this yet! This is incredible.
You use "eyes" too much. The last line is magnificent, so I would keep that one if you downsized on "eyes."
This is where it sort of unraveled for me. You sound sort of like a preaching hippie in the 60s. Not that there's anything wrong with that.
My God, this was beautiful. I really have nothing else to say, just that you have competely wowed me. Keep it up!