[pre]The descent of my standards
can only be measured
in negative centigrades
leading to the infinite.
Or in rocks in my pockets.
Or in fathoms of water below.
Or in bullets
shot into the sea.
I’m too tired
to differentiate
the several types of despair.
I am, simply put,
a permafrost of silence.
And what’s worse, it’s all because
I can’t understand a word you say.
The words freeze in the air between us
and hang like defeated snowflakes.
And even when you fan yourself
And slap your hair away from sweaty cheeks.
All I get is the glacial angularity of your shoulders
At 90 degree angles or more
From my face.
The rotation of rejection
is as cool and slow as the click-clack of ice cubes
spun with a swick of the bartender’s hand
while he leans across the wooden surface
to flirt.
Your giggles are ice
popping and cracking in warm water.
Your head rears and the noise drills
into my bones. A madness
inside you, without me.
Without.
So loud
And I can’t understand.
There’s really not
much else to say.
From the pressure
I’ve gone from cooked
to raw.
The purple on my skin
is spreading. [/pre]
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Canary word: Present
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125,009 Literary Works • 672,839 Reviews
Just a note:
while irregular linebreaks can add wonders to poetry, they can be equally devastating if ill-used. I love the fact that you're going against the grain and having fun with the spacing, but there needs to be a sense of purpose, a sense of reason behind it. I'm not quite feeling that here.
Also, cut out the fluff. Unlike in prose (ha, you silly story tellers), every single character in a poem is vital and significant. Simply put: If it doesn't add anything, take it out.
Sorry I couldn't be more helpful. I'm just getting back into the swing of things...
Happy writing,
~Ed
Hmm... I didn't particularly enjoy it. I found the words lacking oomph. It was very plain, and I had trouble following it.
I did like it though, and with a better word here and there, it could be very effective.
Welcome to YWS
This was really good - I loved the way you used technical language to add precision to your imagery. Very neatly done!
Ther were a few spots where I felt you extended your ideas/repetition too long and the rhythm became a bit stretched as a result. You might want to try a bit of variation at these points - in your line structure, if nothing else. For example, I felt the first stanza could have done with being shortened by a couple of lines, especially in the beginning.
I found the last two stanzas a bit difficult; I think from "a madness..." to "much else to say" doesn't really add much to the poem and might be better off removed altogether. The way you have formed the final sentence, with "from the pressure" at the beginning, threw off the flow and felt quite awkward - you might want to consider changing that back to a normal sentence, or removing the first line.
Overall, the emotional tension was well expressed and your imagery was fabulous. I'll look forward to reading some more of your work!
Cheers,
~bubbles
My first word of advice would be to post it in single spaced format, putting proper spacing between stanzas. Lose the format you used. It makes it a bit hard to read.
That being said, over all, I liked this. You used the word ice a lot. It seemed a little redundant to me. Try finding other comparisons the fit the subject. That is the only thing that kind of threw me off.
Hope this helps
~Rea