TalaPaulwic

Well I thought it was pretty good. I can only say, she goes on for a long while. Sure this is all her speaking, not a story like I’m used ...

Well you got something that keeps me reading through the start. Not everything jumps at me. Okay so what do I get? I get it cut off?! I'm sorry but ...

It looks like you were in a rush to write this. You could have gotten lost, and everything moved very fast. That's all well and good too. Just be careful. ...

It's touching. Very touching. I like the first paragraph about how depression grips you. I've never thought about it like that. So beautifully tragic. I didn't fully understand the ending. ...

Okay, I'm not getting too specific here. Almost every time a character speaks I hear in my head a sort of robotic person. Most people have bad habits, and tend ...

Hello. I just have some things to say. 1.) Present tense? That limits you and makes it seem awkward to the reader. If it's a script I understand, but it's ...

Sunlight streamed through the curtains like golden beams. Dirrella’s eyes fluttered open while the light slowly trickled across her face, with a sigh she swung her legs around and got ...

The description you provided. You really poured your soul into this. I like it. Such feeling. Such emotion. Yeah I does seem a little much for a child. So understanding. ...

*sniffle* Outstanding. Good about of detail. The only thing that I would advise messing with is everything happened so fast. It took me a minute to realize when things were ...

I cried with the amount of hard work and detail you put into it. I don't know if you edited it or not but I didn't notice the missing things ...

It's got a good mix of emotional pleasing, and pleasing the eye of a critic. I like this a lot though I am not a critic. Good description. My advice ...

It's funny. I like it. A simple thing. I find it rather amusing how dramatic the friend is. My advice on how to improve, describe the room around you more. ...

:shock: Well you seem rather descriptive. So far though there is only back story. I've found that when I start like that I can't really develop a plot after. If ...

I really like this. It is very interesting. You need to work on paragraphs a bit more though. You write a few sentences per paragraph. I do that too. The ...