Published July 30, 2009
The old barn sat on 40 lacres, it leaned to one side, had peeling paint, and toy cars and a fort in one stall. The toys have been there for years, when Myk had moved in the neighbors had said a young boy had died near the barn, and his spirit still roamed the barn yard. No horses occupied the barn because of the boys ghost, it was deemed condemned. The lady that owned it, Myk as her friends called her, still used it for storage, as well as for grain, she didn't mind the ghost, he had never harmed her.
In the barn you might see an occasional mouse scurry by, a cat sleeping on the dirty, used straw floor, and the many spiderwebs that occupied the ceiling corners, but that was all. As you walked by to feed the horses in the corrals behind the barn; Colts, yearlings, studs, and mares hollered as they saw the hay coming their way. Birds soared above, dogs barked in the distance, and a cold chill would run up and down the spine even though it was summer, but it would pass once you got past the barn.
Myk lived alone, she had divorced her cheating husband many years ago and didn't want to spend the rest of her life waiting for another man to grow up and take charge of his own life. She was content, she had things to occupy her time. She had friends down the road a piece whom she'd visit with on occasion, but her favorite things were tending her gardens, reading in the sun, taking care of her animals and playing with her little dogs, Rocko and Coco. They were very silly little creatures, and loved attention; they would chase each other around the living room table, Coco would do the butt defense and wiggle his butt in front of Rocko's face and Rocko would get mad and bark wildly at him. Coco's favorite game was stealing Rocko's sock and running down the hall with it, then hide it somewhere. Myk loved watching them do this, it was far more entertaining then television, and cheaper as well.
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141,285 Literary Works • 674,333 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Oooh well this is arguably the most interesting I have seen for something that seems to be focusing quite a lot on just this one barn here. Not too often that one tends to run into barns that have histories that are quite this fascinating and I am loving it. I can't wait to see what more secrets are hidden here. This simple sort of narrator like style coupled with an oddly bittersweet ghost story situation is really working at the moment.
This is an interesting direction to go in there. I like how we switch the whole ghost story idea to sort of now just glide through this idea of every animal that seems to live inside this barn and its almost like a peaceful little home there towards the end. I really liked the vibes that managed to generate.
Hmm this is an intriguing point to end on here. I feel like it ends up being almost cut off there because we're just sort of being introduced to a little bit of backstory and some more to think about regarding this character here and it just sort of grinds to a half a bit too fast. I would definitely love to know more about this barn and this person.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Hi amatuli~ I'm Unsquishable~
There are a few questions I'd like to ask as well as a few suggestions I'd like to give, if that's okay with you.
I think there's too many adjectives in this sentence. It would probably help if you broke it down to two sentences, like this: The old barn out on the back leaned to one side. It had a wall missing, peeling paint, and toy carts and a fort in one stall.
Another thing, I'm not quite sure how a wall can be missing from the barn... If animals still inhabit it (which you mention later on with the mares and the colts...I assumed they lived there, anyway) how are they able to live with a wall missing? Do you mean a part of the wall? Or really the entire wall?
This confused me a bit.... I thought you said there were no horses in the barn? Are these horses staying somewhere else? If so, where?
I don't think you can call tending the garden, reading, taking care of her animals, and playing with her little dogs, things since they are activities rather than..well.. things. Perhaps you could change it to this: she loved tending her gardens, reading in the sun, taking care of her animals, and playing with her little dogs.
I think the last part of this sentence is sort of out of place. The first few parts (the birds, the dogs, and the chill) is somewhat related to the eeriness of the barn, but somehow I can't really connect how a sun shining like a beacon would make the barn eerie.
Also, perhaps you could change the 'the' in there? (A cold chill would run up and down the spine) It sounds a bit awkward and if you think about it, it could be referring to the barn. To make it more clearer that the chill would go down a person's spine, perhaps you should make it like this: a cold chill would run up and down one's spine. ... Just a suggestion, though
Overall:
In my opinion, this piece could be much better. It seems as though there is not enough information in this piece. Yes, I know that the barn is eerie, but why?? And why does Myk still keep the barn even though it is eerie? Is she not scared of the barn, too? Why or why not?
So.. I guess that's all I have to say~I hope that this review will help you~
Thanks a lot, I redid it and added some more things, I hope it sounds better now.
Hi amatuli,
This is a really short piece so there's not much I can critique you on.
I got your message.
Here are a few things I found:
The barn out behind the house sat on 40 acres, and was old.
You could change this to:
The old barn out behind the house sat on 40 acres.
. . . like someone watched as you walked by to feed the horsed in the corrals.
First of all you already said there weren't any horses, and second 'horsed' should be horses.
The only sound was from the colts , yearlings, studs, and mares hollered as they saw the hay coming their way.
I think you meant 'hollering'.
A cold chill would run up and down the spin even though it was summer, and the sun shined.
You left out an 'e' on spine, and shined should be shone.
Hope I was a little bit helpful, (I'm not very good at giving reviews.)
~Zanna
I could be reading it wrong, but doesn't it begin by saying that there are no horses, just other critters, and then go on to talk about how the only sound was the horses? :S
Also, "shined" should be "shone".
Cheers,
-Mike